By Court Sullivan

Finals. Papers. Sleep. More finals. Longer papers. More sleep.

We’re all a bit on edge around finals time. But some of us bitch and whine more than others. And some people just won’t shutup.

If you’re like me, perhaps you’ve heard, “I’m soooooooooooo stressed out!!!!” or “Ahhhhhh!! I’m gonna kill myself!!!” one too many times.

I can’t even walk to the library without bumping into three people who feel the need to tell me their entire finals schedules, paper deadlines, and how little time they have to study in between…apparently because they’re too busy telling people their schedules.

So, instead of consoling all of you who just can’t handle the fact that there are times in college when you have to suck it up and work, I’m just gonna throw out some fun suggestions for succumbing to the pressure! This is for all of you out there who need more of a distraction than playing solotaire or going for a run. It’s for the super stressed out there who just won’t stop whining.

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Man, don’t you love that smell when you’re standing around filling up at the local Exxon? There’s nothing more nostalgic than breaking out a rusty old gas can and funneling by yourself in your dorm room. Sure, it may burn the throat a little, but do you wanna get a big headache from studying for finals or from toxic ingestion? Exactly. Just treat it like a double shot of Everclear. Oh, you wouldn’t do that either? Uhhh…well, try closing your eyes.
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and

I know, you’re super-stressed out and you just wanna get rid of one of your limbs, right? No problem! With this handy circular, electric saw you can slice through anything! Always getting up to “go to the bathroom,” or “take a study break,” and can’t focus? Get rid of a leg! That’ll keep you square in your seat. Realize you didn’t cut in the right place or just plain fucked it up? No problem! Just duct tape it back together and find a new spot!
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and

Too much typing to do? Can’t seem to finish that paper? Don’t get mad at yourself, just cut off a finger or two! This paper cutter has just been sharpened by the librarian who can’t seem to find any of the books you need for your research paper. For God’s sake, she can’t even find the key to the drawer of reference books you need to use. But what’s important here is that she spent all day sharpening and that means painless severage…at least relative to paper-writing blankage.

and

Perhaps all you want is for everyone else to know just how it feels to be under enormous amounts of stress. Selfish? Yes. But psychologists must admit that transferring stress onto others often leads to the displacement of one’s own stress. What better way than to run through airport security gates with a huge box of ammunition screaming “Who’s got a gun?!!!” YOU don’t, so you might not even get in trouble, but you’ll sure place mass amounts of people under serious duress!!

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Most importantly, before attempting any of the previous activities, remember to glue one hand to the phone in case you change your mind and decide to go on with finals. 911 is always willing to help injured students…and your lawyer might just pick you up at the airport.


So, the lesson here is: don’t take anything too seriously…even finals. The alternative could be much worse! Don’t you feel better now?

It doesn’t always take a pat on the back and a hearty “keep up the hard work” to put things in perspective.

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