I don’t understand golf.

I know, I’m male, so all my DNA should be pushing me towards lowering my golf score. Salmon go upstream, my golf score goes downstream. Plus I’m self-employed. Even more reason to get that club membership so I can do some deals over "tee" and crumpets.

I guess I’m just not into the kind of simian bonding that goes on while you stroke your balls, run around someone’s lawn, and try and catch birdies.

Lower golf score with a pencil

What I really don’t understand is the concept of the handicap in golf. The handicap idea also appears in very challenging, intellectual sports, like chess, basketball and bowling(?). Is it just me? I really don’t want to play a sport where, before I’m even out of the gate, I’m basically labeled a retard. Or a cripple.

Oh that Paul, he’ so simple. Let’s give him a head start.

Is this a race between 6-year-olds?

Hey Paul, your crutches are gouging the green. Replace your divots, you moron.

I think golf was invented by kids:

Billy: Awwwwhhhh Teddy, this is no fair. You’re so much better at this than me.

Teddy: Now Billy, show me who the big six-year-old is. Come on, I’ll give you 10 strokes.

Billy: But why is the hole so far away? I prefer billiards. The hole is much closer. Can we take the golf ball and play billiards with it? Plus, we’ve already crashed the golf cart six times. Shouldn’t you have that compound fracture looked at? Can we play against girls? That’ll be easier.

Teddy: NO GIRLS, Billy. Girls are yucky. If girls insist on playing, they can start later in the day, after we’re drunk.

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I take that back. These aren’t 6-year-olds. The above is a conversation between grown men.

Think about it. The more you suck, the more strokes you can deduct.

What if I can’t play at all? Do I automatically win? That was easy. I’m going back to the club house for my beer and trophy. Is this a way to achieve excellence in society?

What if we use this system for other professions? Well, I guess we already do for politics. But for medicine? Twelve of your patients died, Dr. Gauze. When we subtract your handicap, that works out to three people.

Maybe it’s the name. Who on earth picked "handicap"? Did the inventors of golf pride themselves on their honesty? "Gentlemen, I don’t see why we should hide the fact that these particular players are idiots. Incapable buffoons. But as long as they are men, they can play. They need our help. We need a foursome."

Maybe it’s time to pick a more positive, life-affirming name. How about "sucky strokes"? "Bogus balls"?

Wait a minute. If my handicap is large enough, do I get handicap parking? Awesome.

Do you think Jesus golfed? I do. First of all, men really don’t like women participating in golf. What a perfect atmosphere for starting a religion.

Second, think of how easy it is to spread your message. Hushed crowds hanging on Jesus’ every stroke, waiting for Him to sink a putt. What a great time to work in a few words about not messing with your neighbor’s donkey.

And do you know who His caddy was? Moses.

Jesus: Hey Moses, looks like the green is on the other side of that water trap. What do you recommend?

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Moses: JC, You focus on the shot, I’ll part the water if necessary.

Of course, back in Jesus’ day, there were no golf handicaps because Jesus healed all the handicapped. I believe the chief reason Jesus is coming back is to heal all those current golf handicaps out there.

The sports handicap: we know you suck, and it’s okay.

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