You know Frozen, right? That goddamn animated Disney epic that came out a few years ago, based on some fairy tale that nobody outside of Russia has ever heard of? The one with the two most smokin’ hot cartoon princesses ever made, hotter even than that Little Mermaid chick? Speaking of that mermaid chick… you totally get to see her bare naked ass, right after she grows legs and almost drowns as she’s swimming up to the human world. It’s kind of hard to see because you have to pause it JUST RIGHT, but man, it’s frikin’ awesome!

Anyway, you’re probably gonna think I’m hating on that Frozen, but I’m really not. In fact, I’m pretty much hopelessly in love with Frozen. I’ve watched it exactly eleventy-seven-and-sixteen-fiftieths times, to help cure my aloneliness on my otherwise intolerable days off. Mostly I have it playing in the background while I’m on the pot. I love this movie, it’s just that I have a bunch of nitpicks with it, the same as I do with everything I love.

First, what’s the story with that Christoph kid? I used to think that maybe he was an ice apprentice, but all he does is spend the entire day fucking up. Apparently he isn’t learning anything about ice mining, so why is he even there? The ice miners sure don’t give a crap about him… I mean, here’s this little boy, scampering around among hardened ice miners who are constantly singing about what a dangerous job ice mining is, and nobody says anything about the little kid! Weird.

Speaking of little kids, way before Elsa grew up and became a neurotic bitch, she and her sister Anna used to have fun playing eternal winter inside the castle. Remember when Elsa was magickng those taller and taller piles of snow to catch Anna as she jumped from one to the other? You could just see it coming, that Elsa was only one or two catch me’s away from screwing up royally (heh). So why didn’t Elsa poof up some smaller snow mounds? Why did she keep making them BIGGER and BIGGER? That was just dumb, Elsa.

Then just as everything is going tits up, Elsa slips (on her own ice!) and hits Anna right between the eyes with an ice dart! King and queen anonymous freak out of course, and after thumbing through a book which shows an illustration of a positively evil looking troll waving it’s claws over a royally garbed figure laid out on a stone slab like the Aztecs would put you on before ripping out your still beating heart, the King decides that these nightmare creatures are the only hope for his daughter, and he gathers up the entire fam and hauls ass to troll country.

Elsa meet the Trolls in Frozen movie

“It’s not often we see white people in these parts.”

What’s the deal with those things anyway? They’re definitely not carbon-based life forms. Their organic chemistry is likely based on long-chain silicon molecules, what with them basically being living rocks. Far out, huh? Well, if you’ve done as much research as I have into what makes those lovable little fuckers tick, then you’ll know that silicon life would get along MUCH better in a permanent deep freeze. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Food for thought? Hey, I ain’t pointing fingers!

Since it’s pretty much established immediately that stone trolls are the “good guys” for curing Anna, then why did that grampa troll go out of his way to scare the shit out of Elsa? Do you think he’d considered the possible consequences of showing a little girl a vision in the sky of her own blood red powers attacking from every direction and stabbing her into oblivion, pretty much guaranteeing that Elsa would be scared shitless of her own nature during her formative years? Why would grampa troll do that? Because he’s an evil fucker? Kinda makes you wonder about those trolls, huh? Hey, just sayin’!

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Ok, let’s give those filthy trolls the benefit of the doubt for a second. Maybe that’s how trolls raise their little troll kids, by scaring the shit out of them. Maybe rock trolls are just stupid, like a bag of rocks stupid, and they thought that Elsa was just another rock. But if rock trolls are just a pack of idiots with good intentions, then why did grampa troll throw in that memory wipe for Anna? The King seemed to agree that it was ‘for the best’, but what the hell does he know? To him, a satanic ritual is just as good as real live medicine!

The only thing that memory wipe accomplished was to confuse the hell out of a little girl, leaving her with no idea as to why her best buddy would suddenly just up and start hating her. The entire situation is completely fucked up! It’s no wonder that one of those little girls grew up to be a paranoid, cast iron bitch, and the other one so desperate for love – any kind of love – that she’d understand it as simply a furtive glance in her direction. See what I’m saying about those dirty silicon based life forms?

Oh yeah. Don’t forget about the troll woman who basically kidnaps Christoph when he’s just a 5-year-old kid. “I’m gonna keep you,” says the troll woman to the little boy and his moose puppy as she wraps her cold, heavy arms of stone around their fragile little necks. What the fuck, man? I mean, discounting the horror of being embraced by a Golem, even if Christoph was an orphan, there’s no way that troll woman could have known that. Creepy!

Ok, enough about the trolls. Here’s a puzzlement. Why don’t Elsa’s gloves freeze when she’s wearing them? Those manacles they clapped onto her hands when she was in prison sure froze though, didn’t they? SO WHY DON’T HER GLOVES FREEZE? Could the reason be that the whole touchy-freezy thing is a neurotic condition, stemming from a traumatic childhood experience manipulated by those dirty, filthy silicon life forms? HUH? Ok, I’m done now with the trolls, really.

Let’s move on to another thing that pisses me off, which is really the only completely unforgivable nitpick that I have. Why is it unforgivable? Because it’s not a plot hole or a character flaw or anything like that… it’s simply sloppy song writing that borders on the obscene.

Allow me to elucidate. Remember that part where Queen Elsa fucks off to the hills after her disastrous coming out party, and how she sings her way through magical puberty and finally embraces her womanhood by transforming from a stupid ‘fraidy cat little girl into a sexy, sexy ice queen? And how she lyrically referred to a snowflake as a fractal? Remember how STUPID that was? Didn’t you just want to slap the shit out of whoever it was who wrote those lyrics? I’m talking about the “Let It Go” song.

You know…

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in FROZEN FRACTALS all around

…that part!

I’m terribly, grievously sorry, but there’s just no possible way without invoking a couple of generations of math wizards into the storyline that Queen Elsa would have been even remotely aware of the fractal nature of a snowflake. Hell, the basic concept of a fractal would have melted her primitive, medieval brain! It’s simply unforgivably sloppy on the part of the song writer who came up with those stupid, stupid lyrics. Shame on you, whoever you are, you stupid, lazy song writer who made that fractal snowflake crap into impossible song lyrics!

Another nitpick, why do so many Disney animal sidekicks act like dogs?

I’m armed to the teeth with examples. Here goes…

  • Lilo and Stitch – Stitch is an alien. To Stitch, dogs are aliens. Stitch acts like a dog.
  • Hercules – Pegasus is two pretty awesome animals smooshed together into one even awesomer animal with no sign of dog anywhere. Pegasus acts like a dog.
  • Tangled – Maximus is a genetically perfect horse with exemplary morals and intelligence on par with a human. Maximus could act like a firedrake if he chose to. Maximus acts like a dog.
  • The Fox and the Hound – Copper is a hound dog that’s been mercilessly brainwashed to murder his childhood friend. Copper should, by all rights, act like a sociopath. Copper acts like a dog!
  • Frozen – SVEN IS A MOOSE FOR CRISSAKE, A FULL GROWN MOOSE THAT ACTS LIKE A DOG!
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Why, these things??

Now back to those filthy, dirty trolls. No, I ain’t done with them yet.

Those stone trolls sure sing a good story about true love while simultaneously trying their damndest to force two strangers into getting married, don’t they? One of them is even engaged already! But do those stone hearted bastards give a shit? Hell naw, they have their own agenda, and it ain’t about true love. I mean, how can anyone really think that those petrified horse apples are even capable of giving a single flip about true love, based on what we know about them now? It’s obvious that they only want to marry Christoph to a princess as quickly as possible for political leverage. They’re outright bastards, through and through, those rock trolls. I’m not pointing fingers though, I’m just sayin’. Those fucking rock trolls are nothing but a pack of bona-fide evil manipulative bastards. I hate ’em!

Just one more thing and I’m done, I promise…

Some may find the following negative critique of the Wandering Oakens Trading Post to be unwarranted – after all, when Princess Anna’s horse bolted and left her to freeze to death just south of the North Mountain, I must admit that if it weren’t for the Wandering Oakens Trading Post, princess Anna would have surely perished.

Still, can we please expect store proprietors as a general rule NOT to be greedy assholes? Or if not generally, then at least according to special circumstances, such as eternal winters? That’s a special circumstance, right? The eternal winter thing? You know who I’m talking about… that big fat Swedish meatball who runs the Wandering Oaken. Screw that guy.

Oh, he comes off all nice at first, but then after trying unsuccessfully to rob Christoph he throws him out into the storm to die! And why? Because Christoph called him a crook? Which he is, by the way. What, you can’t handle the truth, you big smiling lunkhead?

What he does next is just nauseating: he tries to sweeten up to Anna with a free jar of fish heads! Why? Because Anna had just witnessed an attempted murder? What kind of sleazeball tries to bribe a murder witness with a jar of fish heads? Could it be the kind that keeps his family locked inside a sweat locker during the hottest part of the year, barring eternal winters? How many murders do you think his family has had to witness, imprisoned in that broiling torture chamber that he generously calls a sauna? Are those people even his real family? What a psychopath!

Him and his big summer blow out. I mean, yeah, it’s summer and everything, but there’s a big frikin’ snowstorm going on in July! If there’s a big frikin’ snowstorm going on in July, you don’t say, “Hello, yoo hoo, big summer blowout!” to everybody who walks into the store, even if it’s summer, because nobody is going to want to buy whatever you had for sale for your big summer blowout if there’s an eternal winter going on! What an asshole.

And what the heck is a wandering oaken supposed to be, anyway? That makes zero sense for the name of a trading post that’s permanently attached to the side of a mountain.

Anyway. I sure do love that movie Frozen!

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