Dear Constituent,

Officials at City Hall have recently been made aware that it will be hot outside tomorrow. We understand that it has been hot outside for a while now because, you know, summer, but tomorrow it is going to be, like, really hot. We are therefore issuing a heat advisory for the area.

We first became aware of this situation when one of us showed up to work this morning and said, “Boy, it’s hot outside.” Virtually all of us agreed, and upon checking our weather apps, we realized that it was supposed to be even hotter outside tomorrow. We then determined that issuing a heat advisory would be the best way to alert the public of this fact, which they otherwise would not have been aware of unless they somehow managed to go outside themselves, presumably while wearing a parka and snow pants.

The heat advisory will be in effect tomorrow from 10 a.m. until 7 p.m., as that is the time of day when the sun will be most prominent in the sky, and the sun will be one of the largest—arguably the largest—contributors to the heat. During the heat advisory, please do your best to avoid particularly hot areas, such as Outside, and remain in particularly cool areas, such as Inside.

If you find yourself becoming hot despite remaining Inside, this may mean that you do not have an air conditioner. You can figure this out for sure by checking all of the windows and vents in your house to see if there are any air conditioners in them. If you do not see any, you are welcome to come visit the city’s designated “cooling center” at the main branch of the public library. We meant to set up more cooling centers, but we were too busy putting together this heat advisory.

If you do have an air conditioner, please keep it set at a temperature that ensures you are still uncomfortable to avoid overloading the city’s power grid and triggering a blackout. If a blackout does occur, please make sure to only steal things from local businesses that you really need, and do so in a fashion that will enable everyone to get oddly nostalgic for the blackout in approximately 10 years.

Another effective way to stay safe during the heat advisory is water. Please drink water during the heat advisory to avoid becoming dead from not drinking water. As an interesting aside, it is actually also important to drink water during times when the city has not issued a heat advisory.

Please take this heat advisory especially seriously if you are old, as being old puts you at a higher risk of Everything. If you are not old but live near an old person or see an old person during the heat advisory, please approach them, and politely ask if they have died.

Residents should also try to protect themselves during the heat advisory by not putting on a black sweatsuit and going to the middle of a parking lot in the afternoon to try to set the world record for most jumping jacks performed in one hour. Putting on a black sweatsuit and going to the middle of a parking lot in the afternoon to try to set the world record for most jumping jacks performed in one hour during a heat advisory is one of the leading causes of heatstroke, we assume.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this heat advisory. Please be on the lookout for a similar version of this in approximately six months, when we hear it may become cold.


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