You love your cats, but recently they’ve been acting stranger than usual and it might be because they’re covering something up. If you’ve noticed any of the following things, there’s a compelling case to be made that your cats are using your home as a venue for a human fight club:


One of Your Cats is Using Facebook

On the one hand, it might not seem out of the ordinary for one of your cats to be sitting at your computer desk when you get in from work. On the other hand the fact that, maybe, just maybe, you caught a glimpse of him operating the mouse to quickly close out of a few browsers could raise an eyebrow or two.

If you don’t remember leaving a tab with Facebook open, or having a Facebook profile at all for that matter, it’s very possible that your cat has been creating event pages to invite human strangers into your house to fight for other neighborhood pets’ amusement.

Seeing as you never taught your cat how to type, this could be your first red flag.


You’re Receiving Letters Addressed to a Shell Company

Recently you’ve been receiving letters at your house addressed to a company called “Vortex Enterprises.” Now while your first thought might be that you’ve been getting someone else’s mail, this also could be a hint that your cats have been funneling their earnings from the fight club into an offshore shell company so their money can’t be taken by the government. These letters always seem to disappear after you put them on your dining room table, where else could they be going?

You really might want to look into this one because your cats could get into a lot of trouble with the IRS if they’re not properly filing their ill-begotten gains.


Your Friend Sends a Text Asking About a Codeword

If you’ve ever received a text from your friend that simply said “Codeword?”, he may have assumed that you’re running an underground fight club in your house. It’s an easy mistake, if your cats were the ones actually operating it. He must’ve figured you had to be involved and knew the night’s codeword to partake in the evening’s bloodsport.

In any event, you should probably text back saying that you don’t know it, and hope that your cats are able to better distribute the codeword in the future so you don’t get any additional unwanted texts.


A Stranger with a Black Eye Winks at You

Still on the fence after that mysterious text? Look for clues in your neighborhood. If a stranger with a black eye winks at you on the street, that’s a surefire giveaway that your cats are pedalling human violence for profit.

Like your friend sending that text, this stranger most likely thought that you were the real mastermind behind the weekly pulse-pounding thrill he gets in your house. Don’t approach this person for answers because it’s doubtful that he’s allowed to talk about fight club, but the evidence is definitely mounting for this theory that’s sounding less outlandish by the minute.


You Find a Flyer in the Trash Advertising a Fight Club at Your House

Sometimes the most obvious pieces of evidence could be right in front of your face. If you’ve ever found a flyer in your trash advertising the promise of a no-holds-barred fist festival with an address that looks to be identical to yours, it’s starting to sound like this could be the doing of one or both of your cats.

Double check your Adobe Illustrator files to confirm that you didn’t actually do this yourself because that could be an easy mistake. Once you’ve confirmed this wasn’t your handiwork and that you’re never in the house at the flyer’s highlighted time, it’s becoming increasingly likely that your feline friends have ulterior motives for your place of residence.


The Cats Shit All Over Your House at the Same Time Every Week

In conjunction with that flyer you recently discovered, take note of the start time of the weekly event. You may have noticed that your cats conveniently seem to forget how to use the litter box around that time each week like clockwork. Additionally, why does it always seem like your cleaning supplies disappear as well? Could your cats be using their weekly house shitting to force you to go out for an hours-long Target run, giving them enough time to pair up willing human participants in combat, get their fill of gladiatorial entertainment and use the missing cleaning supplies to make it look as though nothing’s out of place before you get back?

Under normal circumstances, this would sound crazy, but combined with these other clues, this has to be the final nail in the coffin: your cats are using your house for a human fight club.

We're now accepting list submissions! Although we're contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.