A rustic retreat from the constant anxiety over the diminishing job market! Five out of five stars!

This is a great place to live while futilely furthering your education. It’s like a little oasis from your fears of never getting a job in your field and having to move back in with your parents while they consider a divorce which is, honestly, long overdue. There’s nothing like coming home at the end of the day to a tiny, dingy $800-a-month basement apartment to remind you that your dreams are a sham and that our society will eventually collapse, eliminating the “need” for all your thesis research.

Additionally, the sheer compactness of the place requires that you toss the majority of your material possessions just to be able to walk around inside the place; it’s really freeing on like a Buddhist level to fit all your belongings conveniently inside an old Nike duffle bag. What’s even better is that living without any semblance of modern comfort will leave you well equipped for the inevitable fall of our capitalist society. You can finally research and live like the proletariat!

With this apartment’s lack of working appliances and even hot water in the winter, you’ll think nothing of roughing it in the wilderness once North Korea nukes our country to bits.

Can’t recommend enough!


Charming, and great for entertaining! Impressed all my friends! Two thumbs up!

Living in this basement apartment will help you get the most out of your social life with its cozy, inconveniently-shaped living room. Its low-key, poorly-lit setting is perfect for a small get-together in which you and other shitty millennials can kick back with a few drinks and despair collectively over having done nothing meaningful with your lives.

With just enough space in the living room for an old futon and folding lawn chair, most guests have to sit on the floor cross-legqged, sitting within the kind of close proximity that facilitates a manufactured sense of intimacy. Everyone will be fast friends in no time!

Even better, the apartment with its quirks and character is a conversation piece in itself. You can point to the cracks in the wall and water damage on the ceiling and say to your non-grad-student friends, “Look! Even though I’m pursuing an elite advanced degree, I’m just like you! Living in squalor in the only conditions provided to us by our baby-boomer overlords!”

Loved it!


Great location! Within walking distance to all the bars, restaurants and nice shops that you can’t afford to patron! An excellent reminder of your poor choices in life!

The location of this apartment simply can’t be beat, because you’re just a block away from the cultural hub of a college town–meaning the bars.

All the bars.

There’s great hangouts like hipster bar that does slam poetry, and Smitty’s, which hires the same three shitty bands to play live music on Friday night, both of which serve watered-down drinks for twice the reasonable price. Even though none of these seem appealing to you, you’ll have the option of going, and that’s really what’s important in terms of real estate.

If you don’t go, you’ll still hear the joyful, occasionally belligerent hoots and hollers of the revelers hopping between bars–mainly undergraduates that, let’s face it, are really too young and full of optimism to hang out with. Once in a while, you’ll even hear the unmistakable nasal twang of Jason, a fuck-up kid in your Female Victorian Authors seminar, stumbling by your apartment, and you’ll know on Monday that he’s lying when he says he couldn’t finish his essay on Anne Bronte because he was out of town for the funeral of his fourth dead grandmother.

Excellent location! Close to everywhere you never even considered visiting!


Get in touch with nature without even leaving the apartment! It’s like camping, but inside! Ideal for zoology students!

Students spend too much time inside, on their computers and smartphones, always trying to find an extra part-time job with “better hours” and “decent pay” and “an ethical manager.” Spending your minimum wage earnings on this apartment is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself.

Who wants a cookie-cutter home with proper sealing around the doors and windows, and no holes in the siding? Only boring people want that!

This apartment is fantastic, because it lets you experience the great outdoors indoors. When it rains outside, it rains in the apartment too! And the faulty heating and cooling system ensures that the temperature inside will accurately reflect how it feels outside.

This apartment is an awesome place to live if you want to make friends with God’s creatures. From a raccoon in the vent to mice in the cupboards, you won’t have to feel like you’re living alone.

Even better, this place is great if you’re an entomologist who likes to take their work home with them. Millipedes and beetles as far as the eye can see. It’s like having your own little science experiment.

An enriching environment! Great value!

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