College Quotes
Jess: I could really go for McDick's right now..
Red Dave: You know McDonald's is like an ex-girlfriend... You only think of her late at night when you're drunk; you know it's a bad idea and you'll regret it in the morning; your friends all try to talk you out of it, but you go ahead and do it anyway.... Who are you texting?
Toni: My ex... what?!? She's my kind of Happy Meal!!
-On why cellphones should come with breathalyzers
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Quick Jokes
At a Glance:
Some real Freudian shit. Paul Frank's work has been featured in the front page of College Humor, the newly released Book of Beer Pong, FuckThatBand.com, and your grandmother's cooch.Bio:
I often feel persecuted for my beliefs. Usually, I blame it on my Jewish heritage and faith. But I think I probably just have some really fucked-up beliefs.Saying what you think you don't think.
Points in Case's resident creepy white guy.
Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods.
Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal. His favorite books are drug memoirs and books about serial killers. Oh, and The Cat in the Hat. That shit was bomb.
Allow me to awkwardly switch to first-person. I've drowned in both the gene pool and a cess pool. I'm like the Michael Phelps of drowning.
Old bios:
Paul Frank is currently working on a Jewish children's book tentatively titled "Fuck You, Jesus."
Scarred for life from years of Catholic school (now repressed memories), Paul Frank was raised on movies like Tommy Boy, Happy Gilmore, and Cheech and Chong, instead of Disney movies like normal kids.
I'm scared of the darks.
I make being funny look hard.
They say the fastest way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. I want to know the fastest way to a woman's vagina. When's the last time you fucked a girl's heart?
Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit.
- Quotes
- Column Posts
- Blog Posts
- Articles
- Comments
Paul: So I got a "Sarah Palin Is A Cunt" t-shirt.
Paul's Mom: Is a what?
Paul: Cunt, Mom.
Paul's Mom: Holy shit. I didn't even know you knew that word.
Paul: Yeah, well...
Paul's Mom: Do you wear it out?
Paul: Yeah, I mean not to church, but yeah...
-On the self-respecting non-Christian
Paul's Mom: So do you ever have any mixers with the people on your floor?
Paul: Yeah, like vodka and orange juice and stuff...
Paul's Mom: What?
Paul: Wait, what?
Paul's Mom: I meant social mixers.
Paul: Oh, fuck.
-On the double whammy
I Would Be Quite the Catch in Prison
By Paul Frank March 31, 2009There I would be, the very first day of prison. I'm nervous and excited. Will I make friends? What if the other guys make fun of me? Will the food be good? Will my parents remember to pick me up when I leave?
I step out of the bus slowly, searched for the second time that day, and then the warden comes out and intimidates us. Read More »
Rihanna and Chris Brown: The Police Report in Script Form
By Paul Frank March 10, 2009EXT - CALIFORNIA - NIGHT
A rented Lamborghini speeds down a Los Angeles street. In the car are Chris Brown and Rihanna.
CHRIS BROWN: "You ready for me to give you that massage when we get home, sweetheart?"
RIHANNA: "You bet, baby." Read More »
Everyone's High-Fiving Except for You
By Paul Frank February 9, 2009Everywhere, everyone is high-fiving, all the time. All the jocks and popular kids who used to make fun of you in high school are all in a room somewhere right now, high-fiving each other. Someone is high-fiving someone else on top of Mount Everest right now. And they're both naked. Read More »
Where Do You Go from Here, Black People?
By Paul Frank January 25, 2009Plus, Equality: Does It Mean We're All the Same Now? A Dissertation on the Recent Presidential Inauguration and Its Implications For America's African-Americans Read More »
Medical Marijuana: My New Medication
By Paul Frank December 7, 2008By Mable Eleanor Hershwire
Now if my memory serves me correctly (which it usually doesn't at this age), it was about two weeks ago I went to the doctor complaining of "glaucoma-like pain."
My doctor, a handsome, young 53-year-old boy, listened intently to my symptoms (oh Gosh I go on sometimes!) and he suggested giving medical marijuana a try. Read More »
Um, So I Think You Might Have Herpes
By Paul Frank November 24, 2008Hey, remember when we had sex a while back? That was sweet, right? We never called each other again and it was awkward whenever we happened to bump into each other somewhere. Read More »
How Far We Have Come, How Far We Have Yet to Go
By Paul Frank November 9, 2008A Treatise on Race Relations in America and a Reflection on Its Current Hypocrisies
On the days after the most important election of our lives, I am still reminded and inspired by what this great country is capable of. We have just, as a people, come together and voted a black man to be in the most exclusive and powerful club in the world, the Presidents of the United States of America. Read More »
Mom, Dad, I'm Going into Porn
By Paul Frank October 26, 2008(Written under the character of an aspiring female porn star)
Hello Mother, Hello Father! Read More »
I'm Sorry I Let the Orgy Down
By Paul Frank September 24, 2008I know we're not on speaking terms right now, but I'd like to apologize to you for my actions the other night. I let the whole orgy down, and I understand a few people are still in the hospital. Read More »
Hey Will, It's Me, Carlton!
By Paul Frank September 15, 2008TO: willsmith@hollywoodstaragency.com
FROM: carlton@freeemail.com
SUBJECT: HAY MAN IT'S ME CARLTON WHAT'S GOING ON OH SHIT I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE BOX BELOW NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX! Read More »
I'm Sorry I Shanked You
By Paul Frank September 7, 2008Hey lil' buddy, how ya doin? Oh, you're bleeding out of your ears? Your left ball is attached by three stitches?
Bummer. Read More »
Hi, I'm a Dentist
By Paul Frank August 31, 2008How are you? Just kidding.
Let's cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.
Oh, hello, I'm a dentist. Read More »
Ron Jeremy Motivational Speech
By Paul Frank August 24, 2008"Life is Wonderful"
By Ron Jeremy
Hello, hello! I understand you are going through a rough time right now. And you will go through many rough times in the future, I'm sure. I've been through rough times, too. I know how to get through them. Read More »
Dear Black People: Stop Haunting My Dreams
By Paul Frank August 17, 2008Written from the character Frank Paul
Hey black people. What up?
Listen, I'm at my wit's end here. Please, I'm begging you, stay out of my dreams and nightmares. I've asked you time and time again, but for some reason you will not listen. I've gone up to some of you on the street and asked you sternly to exit my dreams immediately. And to make it snappy. I told you to pass the word on to the rest of your black brethren. Read More »
Hit Me Baby One More Time
By Paul Frank August 11, 2008As I was walking through the University Center today, I walked past two strollers, unguarded, outside of the university store.
I thought to myself...I could steal those babies.
I could steal those babies and we could go play in the sunshine and dance together and have a picnic and make fun of each other and all the other things friends do (...right?). Read More »
You, Too, Can Run the Wildcat Offense!
By Paul Frank November 14, 2009Life got you down? Is your parole officer really annoying? Do your kids refuse to look at you or acknowledge your prescence? Read More »
8673
By Paul Frank November 4, 2009I have to get something off my chest. I have this secret that I'm supposed to keep a secret my whole life, for my own protection. I'm not supposed to tell anyone. So it's just me and this secret, staring each other down. Read More »
Bright Ideas and Grand Thoughts, With Your Internet Host Paul Frank
By Paul Frank October 26, 2009This is the last time I talk about the 2000's, and don't worry this isn't a political statement, but how have we not found bin Laden yet? Read More »
Oh God, I've Become One of Them
By Paul Frank October 22, 2009I thought I was above all these people. I'm not a freak. I'm not poor. Well, I am, but it's college poor. But, come on, I'm not weird as fuck. Well, I am, but it's because I'm a comedian or whatever.
Seriously, why am I even debating this? I'm way above all these people. It's what I've been telling myself every single time I've walked in this store the past 10+ years. Read More »
Now That Grandma Has Life Alert, We Can Push Her Down the Stairs Without a Guilty Conscience
By Paul Frank October 5, 2009Life Alert® Personal Medical Emergency Response gives you and your loved ones peace of mind you won't find anywhere else. Life Alert has saved the lives of millions and is becoming the most essential thing to own for seniors over the age of 50. Read More »
Random Thoughts on 9/9/9
By Paul Frank September 10, 2009I was in class today, and the first thing that threw me off was that it was Business class, but yet, standing in front was a WOMAN. I thought I was in the wrong class at first. Is this the kind of change that Obama fellow was talking about? I don't like it. I do not like it... Read More »
I Don't Even Know What the Fuck "Public Option" Is
By Paul Frank September 7, 2009Look, I'm just going to be honest, because that's the kind of person I am. I genuinely try to pretend I'm honest and straightforward. Read More »
Popeye's Chicken
By Paul Frank September 6, 2009I was watching TV today, and all of a sudden, out of like fucking nowhere, a sassy, fast-talking, quirky-almost black lady comes onto my screen. My first thought was "um, do you know someone here? Read More »
Short But Sweet
By Paul Frank August 20, 2009This past weekend, I went to Lollapalooza in Chicago. I wore my new shirt, which in big letters, states "Sarah Palin is A Cunt." I knew in this extremely liberal city, the hometown of Barack Obama, that I would not get lynched, but I wasn't expecting so many compliments. Read More »
I Love You, God (The Erin Andrews Sex Tape)
By Paul Frank July 22, 2009How do I know there's a God? Because a video of Erin Andrews naked leaked onto the internet, that's how. Erin Andrews is the woman who tries to talk about sports on the TV. Women are great, and sports are great, but put the two together and you get disasters like Erin Andrews, or the WNBA. Read More »
A Zit Waits 'Til You're 12
By Paul Frank June 26, 2009Michael Jackson, the biggest gift to late night talk show hosts and comedians everywhere, died after the world's shortest coma yesterday. But you already knew that because, I swear to God, celebrities are "tweeting" their condolences. What? What is this world coming to? Jesus Fuck.
Michael Jackson died doing what he loved best: dying. Read More »
Wal-Mart TV
By Paul Frank June 17, 2009The other day, I went to my local Wal-Mart Supercenter, and I realized something: walking through a Wal-Mart is more entertaining than television. Give me Aisle 8 of Wal-Mart anyday over Lost. 90% of the people you see at Wal-Mart look like they haven't left their house/trailer for weeks (where they were busy watching Judge Judy knockoff shows and not showering). Read More »
Hairstylists Just Don't Understand
By Paul Frank May 25, 2009Everytime I go get a haircut, I feel like I'm being interrogated. Someone's got a scissors to your head and they're asking you questions. A lot of questions. Read More »
Hip Restructuring
By Paul Frank April 28, 2009Hello, my name is Dr. Krishna Charanjit, M.D. You might know me as the premier hip restructure specialist in the world. Read More »
Karma's Gonna Get You
By Paul Frank April 22, 2009Karma's going to get you. One day Karma's gonna get you. But you're a tough motherfucker, and it's not going to be easy for Karma. Read More »
Make-A-Different-Wish Foundation
By Paul Frank October 7, 2008
Dear Timothy Williams,
Recently you have made us aware of your fatal disease, the cancer that tears at your bones all day and all night. You're in constant pain, and your childhood has been stripped away from you as you only have a few short months at best to live. I can't imagine the physical and emotional pain you are going through as the disease tears through your body and destroys your insides. Read More »
So You've Just Been Diagnosed with Alzheimer's
By Paul Frank September 12, 2008
Hello, I'm Dr. Tickles, and I thank you for coming to Memorialwood Area Hospital. You keep my bathtub filled with money, patients like you. I'd almost say I love you, except that I don't love anything or anyone, except prostitutes and heroin. Read More »
I Promise I Won't Sleep With Your Mom
By Paul Frank June 15, 2008
Hey sweetheart, how are you? How is everything? Aww, I love you so much! I'm so ready to start our life together! You are the light of my life, my sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without you, baby. You are my reason to live, my everything. Read More »
How to Masturbate with Your Roommate in the Room
By Paul Frank May 20, 2008
There comes a time in every college kid's life - HAHA, I said "come." Sorry, I'll start over. There comes a time in every college kid's life when he needs to masturbate and his roommate will just not leave the room. It's like he's frozen there. Seconds seem to be minutes. Minutes seem like hours. Read More »
- sometimes porn is the only - November 12th, 2009
- The name of my fist pet? - November 5th, 2009
- not yet you don't. - October 23rd, 2009
- best comment ever. - October 22nd, 2009
- this was sweet - September 9th, 2009
- oh my god am i dreaming - September 6th, 2009
- yeah sorry not my room - August 20th, 2009
- Give me your email (you can - July 23rd, 2009
- Awesome. - July 22nd, 2009
- You should really get that - June 28th, 2009
- Dude I was wondering how you - June 26th, 2009
- Yes. - June 10th, 2009
- Ha, yes, probably. I forgot - April 22nd, 2009
- No objections. - April 19th, 2009
- Once I woke up in a cemetery - April 17th, 2009
- Qualllllity - April 1st, 2009
- What the fuck are you - March 28th, 2009
- Good column, man. - March 4th, 2009
- KC, what does the picture - March 2nd, 2009
- I'm glad you're back. You - February 28th, 2009
- Is there such a thing as - February 25th, 2009
- Yeah, you don't even wanna - February 24th, 2009
- lol that's what i thought - February 9th, 2009
- Pizza pics were funny. I - February 4th, 2009
- Good call KC - January 17th, 2009
- For the record, I liked this - January 17th, 2009
- Hahaha. I liked this - January 17th, 2009
- This is so fucking funny. It - January 16th, 2009
- Uhh...I'm just trying to - January 15th, 2009
- When I was in the hospital, - January 14th, 2009
- "Hey, you know what? I know - January 14th, 2009
- I can so picture this in my - January 13th, 2009
- This was awesome. I laughed - January 13th, 2009
- That Jake Delhomme press - January 11th, 2009
- I hope this doesn't make me - January 11th, 2009
- If you're referring to - December 31st, 2008
- This wasn't supposed to be - December 23rd, 2008
- Shut the fuck up. Me writing - December 1st, 2008
- MARK THIS DAY AND LET THIS - October 30th, 2008
- Hey JC, bro maybe you should - October 14th, 2008
- Anonymous - I haven't gotten - September 12th, 2008
- Pardon? - September 12th, 2008
- Send me a naked pic of - September 11th, 2008
- Wait...girls like guys? - September 8th, 2008
- You spammers are always so - September 5th, 2008
- 1. Take all. 2. Story is - September 3rd, 2008
- I love Archie comics and I - August 22nd, 2008
- Quality. - August 19th, 2008
- Oh you'll get lots of Legos - August 11th, 2008
- RSS feed, girl. J/k j/k j/k - August 11th, 2008
- Wait, fuck you, was this a - August 9th, 2008
- 100% serious, Nate. This'll - August 9th, 2008
- One time I was in Milwaukee - July 15th, 2008
- Glad you're back Nate. - June 30th, 2008
- Damnnn, girl, not really. - June 26th, 2008
- Yes. You have to do math - June 26th, 2008
- Damn girl, I don't know what - June 26th, 2008
- This is the kind of - June 25th, 2008







