There I would be, the very first day of prison. I'm nervous and excited. Will I make friends? What if the other guys make fun of me? Will the food be good? Will my parents remember to pick me up when I leave?

I step out of the bus slowly, searched for the second time that day, and then the warden comes out and intimidates us. Read More »

EXT - CALIFORNIA - NIGHT

A rented Lamborghini speeds down a Los Angeles street. In the car are Chris Brown and Rihanna.

CHRIS BROWN: "You ready for me to give you that massage when we get home, sweetheart?"

RIHANNA: "You bet, baby." Read More »

Everywhere, everyone is high-fiving, all the time. All the jocks and popular kids who used to make fun of you in high school are all in a room somewhere right now, high-fiving each other. Someone is high-fiving someone else on top of Mount Everest right now. And they're both naked. Read More »

Plus, Equality: Does It Mean We're All the Same Now? A Dissertation on the Recent Presidential Inauguration and Its Implications For America's African-Americans Read More »

By Mable Eleanor Hershwire

Now if my memory serves me correctly (which it usually doesn't at this age), it was about two weeks ago I went to the doctor complaining of "glaucoma-like pain."

My doctor, a handsome, young 53-year-old boy, listened intently to my symptoms (oh Gosh I go on sometimes!) and he suggested giving medical marijuana a try. Read More »

Hey, remember when we had sex a while back? That was sweet, right? We never called each other again and it was awkward whenever we happened to bump into each other somewhere. Read More »

A Treatise on Race Relations in America and a Reflection on Its Current Hypocrisies

On the days after the most important election of our lives, I am still reminded and inspired by what this great country is capable of. We have just, as a people, come together and voted a black man to be in the most exclusive and powerful club in the world, the Presidents of the United States of America. Read More »

(Written under the character of an aspiring female porn star)

Hello Mother, Hello Father! Read More »

I know we're not on speaking terms right now, but I'd like to apologize to you for my actions the other night. I let the whole orgy down, and I understand a few people are still in the hospital. Read More »

TO: willsmith@hollywoodstaragency.com
FROM: carlton@freeemail.com
SUBJECT: HAY MAN IT'S ME CARLTON WHAT'S GOING ON OH SHIT I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE BOX BELOW NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX! Read More »

Hey lil' buddy, how ya doin? Oh, you're bleeding out of your ears? Your left ball is attached by three stitches?

Bummer. Read More »

How are you? Just kidding.

Let's cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.

Oh, hello, I'm a dentist. Read More »

"Life is Wonderful"
By Ron Jeremy

Hello, hello! I understand you are going through a rough time right now. And you will go through many rough times in the future, I'm sure. I've been through rough times, too. I know how to get through them. Read More »

Hey black people. What up?

Listen, I'm at my wit's end here. Please, I'm begging you, stay out of my dreams and nightmares. I've asked you time and time again, but for some reason you will not listen. I've gone up to some of you on the street and asked you sternly to exit my dreams immediately. And to make it snappy. I told you to pass the word on to the rest of your black brethren. Read More »

As I was walking through the University Center today, I walked past two strollers, unguarded, outside of the university store.

I thought to myself...I could steal those babies.

I could steal those babies and we could go play in the sunshine and dance together and have a picnic and make fun of each other and all the other things friends do (...right?). Read More »

Michael Jackson, the biggest gift to late night talk show hosts and comedians everywhere, died after the world's shortest coma yesterday. But you already knew that because, I swear to God, celebrities are "tweeting" their condolences. What? What is this world coming to? Jesus Fuck.

Michael Jackson died doing what he loved best: dying. Read More »

The other day, I went to my local Wal-Mart Supercenter, and I realized something: walking through a Wal-Mart is more entertaining than television. Give me Aisle 8 of Wal-Mart anyday over Lost. 90% of the people you see at Wal-Mart look like they haven't left their house/trailer for weeks (where they were busy watching Judge Judy knockoff shows and not showering). Read More »

Everytime I go get a haircut, I feel like I'm being interrogated. Someone's got a scissors to your head and they're asking you questions. A lot of questions. Read More »

Hello, my name is Dr. Krishna Charanjit, M.D. You might know me as the premier hip restructure specialist in the world. Read More »

Karma's going to get you. One day Karma's gonna get you. But you're a tough motherfucker, and it's not going to be easy for Karma. Read More »

I was watching tv the other day (not Monday, no, not Tuesday, not Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or Saturday or even Sunday, but the other day) when I saw a commercial for Verizon. I had seen this commercial before. Read More »

Today, get this, today I was in the Wal-Mart buying some charcoal, peanut butter, and Q-tips when some jackass faggot from high school says to me (I was wearing my Kane shirt) "hey queer, professional wrestling is fake." Read More »

Yesterday, I was riding in a car with my dad, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. Read More »

The other day I was hanging around with my girlfriend, who, unlike me, doesn't spend most of the day thinking about porn, rape, and cocaine. Read More »

Like millions of Americans, I struggle with sleep-related problems ranging from trouble falling asleep to tossing and turning to waking up in the middle of the night.

For whatever reason, it takes me hours to fall asleep. Who knows what causes sleep problems? Stress? Too much caffeine? Just the way things are? Who knows? Read More »

Pardon me, sir, I don't mean to be rude, and I hate to be a bother, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it appears that you are raping me right now. Would you mind taking your penis out of my vagina? Read More »

There will be rare moments in your life (or lack thereof) where you must temporarily abandon the comfortable recesses of your mother's basement. This shall serve as your guide, for you will encounter many dangers upon your journey which you are not familiar with. Read More »

My grandpa always said I could be anything I wanted.

Then again, one day I walked in on him having elaborate sex with my grandma, so his words lost all meaning to me. Read More »

Vaginas get a bad rap. They've been blamed for the current economic crisis, the future panda crisis, and Seal's face. I overhear things everyday to the tune of "oh, vaginas are so 1999," "what have vaginas ever done for the progressive environmental movement?" and "2 vaginas don't make a right." Read More »

Dear Dog the Bounty Hunter's Wife's Boobs,

Wow. FUCKING wow. WOW.

I don't know what to say.

I mean..I just..where do..so..do you..

You guys give new meaning to the term ginormous.  Read More »

Dear Timothy Williams,

Recently you have made us aware of your fatal disease, the cancer that tears at your bones all day and all night. You're in constant pain, and your childhood has been stripped away from you as you only have a few short months at best to live. I can't imagine the physical and emotional pain you are going through as the disease tears through your body and destroys your insides. Read More »

Hello, I'm Dr. Tickles, and I thank you for coming to Memorialwood Area Hospital. You keep my bathtub filled with money, patients like you. I'd almost say I love you, except that I don't love anything or anyone, except prostitutes and heroin. Read More »

Hey sweetheart, how are you? How is everything? Aww, I love you so much! I'm so ready to start our life together! You are the light of my life, my sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without you, baby. You are my reason to live, my everything. Read More »

There comes a time in every college kid's life - HAHA, I said "come." Sorry, I'll start over. There comes a time in every college kid's life when he needs to masturbate and his roommate will just not leave the room. It's like he's frozen there. Seconds seem to be minutes. Minutes seem like hours. Read More »