Hey, remember when we had sex a while back? That was sweet, right? We never called each other again and it was awkward whenever we happened to bump into each other somewhere. Read More »

A Treatise on Race Relations in America and a Reflection on Its Current Hypocrisies

On the days after the most important election of our lives, I am still reminded and inspired by what this great country is capable of. We have just, as a people, come together and voted a black man to be in the most exclusive and powerful club in the world, the Presidents of the United States of America. Read More »

(Written under the character of an aspiring female porn star)

Hello Mother, Hello Father! Read More »

I know we're not on speaking terms right now, but I'd like to apologize to you for my actions the other night. I let the whole orgy down, and I understand a few people are still in the hospital. Read More »

TO: willsmith@hollywoodstaragency.com
FROM: carlton@freeemail.com
SUBJECT: HAY MAN IT'S ME CARLTON WHAT'S GOING ON OH SHIT I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE BOX BELOW NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX! Read More »

Hey lil' buddy, how ya doin? Oh, you're bleeding out of your ears? Your left ball is attached by three stitches?

Bummer. Read More »

How are you? Just kidding.

Let's cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.

Oh, hello, I'm a dentist. Read More »

"Life is Wonderful"
By Ron Jeremy

Hello, hello! I understand you are going through a rough time right now. And you will go through many rough times in the future, I'm sure. I've been through rough times, too. I know how to get through them. Read More »

Hey black people. What up?

Listen, I'm at my wit's end here. Please, I'm begging you, stay out of my dreams and nightmares. I've asked you time and time again, but for some reason you will not listen. I've gone up to some of you on the street and asked you sternly to exit my dreams immediately. And to make it snappy. I told you to pass the word on to the rest of your black brethren. Read More »

As I was walking through the University Center today, I walked past two strollers, unguarded, outside of the university store.

I thought to myself...I could steal those babies.

I could steal those babies and we could go play in the sunshine and dance together and have a picnic and make fun of each other and all the other things friends do (...right?). Read More »

We thought he was! We totally thought the guy who burst into the bank with a loaded gun and yelled "EVERYBODY ON THE FUCKING GROUND OR I'LL SHOOT" was joking. But if he insists on one thing, it's that he's not. And "MORE MONEY FASTER FASTER FASTER, BITCH." Read More »

Hey, remember a couple steps back when that homeless guy held out his cup and asked us for change, and you spit your chewing tobacco into it? Read More »

Somebody pinch me, I feel like I'm dreaming! And preferably pinch me in the penis! And preferably one of the waitresses. And with your tongue. Don't walk away! I haven't ordered yet. Read More »

"To condom or not to condom? That is the question." These words from a great philosopher set off a never-ending debate about the usage of condoms which continues to this day. What's little known, however, is that this philosopher didn't just ask questions, he then answered them. And the answer to the condom question was "not to condom." So should you wear a condom? Read More »

Lord Glaxnor beckoned me. He summoned me for a great quest.

What mischievous yet necessary plan had the Great Lord Glaxnor thought of this time?

Two words: The elimination of all old and elderly persons from the planet, specifically those over 50. Read More »

This weekend, New York Giants wide reciever Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg in a nightclub. Upon going to the hospital, he told the staff his name was Harris Smith (because that's the whitest name he could think of) and that he got shot at an Applebee's (because white people can relate, we go to Applebee's all the time). Read More »

Hey, honey, don't mean to startle you or anything (the last thing we want is some unexpected chomping out of surprise), but once we wrap this beej up, this relationship is officially over.

Capish?

By all means, though, take your time down there. Yeah, that feels good right there (doesn't change the fact that I'm dumping you though...) Read More »

Bro, did I just catch your eyes wandering down my naked body past my golden rippling chest and sneak a peek at my man vagina AKA my penis?

Bro, that shit ain't cool. That shit is real weak. Just because I'm standing up here in my birthday suit for all to see doesn't mean you're off the hook with the whole heterosexuality thing, and can just go all queer. Read More »

A waiting room. There are outdated posters on the wall. A man is reading a newspaper, another is staring out the window, a woman is trying to quiet down her kid. Read More »

Darfur: everything you've heard about this war-torn country, if anything, is true...and worse.

A step past genocide, Darfur is in the midst of a gruesome civil war, a struggle for oil between the educated rich north Sudan and the poor black south. Everyday, millions of innocent people are slaughtered in a bloodthirsty ethnic cleansing, a modern-day Holocaust. Read More »

GIVE ME MOAR BABIES 

by Angelina Jolie

GIVE ME MOARR BABIES NOWS! NEED MORE BABIES YES YES YES. please please more more now yes YES.

Give me give ME GIVE MEEEEEEEEEE!

Need WANT must HAVE NOW babies!

Oh my FUCKING god do IT give them to me.

NOT ENOUGH! NOT ENOUGH! Read More »

"Hey Everyone, I'm Sorry I'm Really Fat, Ugly, Creepy kind of, And Not Funny"

by Drew Carey

Read More »

Let me slowly put a long, dripping, juicy popsicle in between your soft, waiting, pink lips.

I'll slide it in there so soft at first. Soooo soft. It'll feel good for both of us, I'm guessing. And really, that's all I want in the whole world, for you to be satisfied. Read More »

I'm a scientist. And like all other scientists, I use the Scientific Method to form and test theories and hypotheses using experiments and data. Since I am a scientist, I have an endless thirst for knowledge. So over the course of about a day or two, I texted an african-american named Xavier Holland with some simple questions I thought up. Here they are. Read More »

I'm not one to complain, but what kind of coke dealer was that, man? Seriously, where were that guy's manners? He didn't even thank me when I handed him the $150, or say "I'll probably give this to charity, or the homeless." Read More »

A middle-aged British man wearing a tan suit enters a small store. It's either like a convenience store or like a small pet shop. There's a middle-aged man standing behind an old-fashioned cash register, whistling.

The customer starts talking to the cashier.

"Cheers, mate, my name is Sir Reginald Pennington the 6th, per chance could you help me out?" Read More »

BRISTOL: CALL ME (920) 644-4650

[NOTE: This love letter is for Bristol Hussein Palin's eyes only. I left a message on her voicemail (seriously...keep reading) directing her to this website. I want her to know how much I love her and care for her, so I am writing this for her. Read More »

Dear Poison Control,

Let me start out by saying you guys are a bunch of DICKS. I know you think you're doing a service to the citizens of the United States of America, but that is 100% BULLSHIT.

If you think you PRICKS can control the greatest band on the face of God's green Earth, then you've got another thing coming: my fist. Read More »

Sweetheart, listen, this isn't working out. I know it's only been two days and you love me (your words, not mine), but we have to break up.

You said you wanted to take things slow. I guess we have differing definitions of "slow," because I figured you meant fool around and have sex and kinda go easy on the whole "relationship" thing at first. You know, take it slow. Read More »

Yo, man, this gas chamber is weeeaaakk. Let's blow this joint. You down for some T. Bell?

This is a total sausage fest. Dude, did you see that pile of naked dudes out back? Fags.

Let's get outta here. I haven't seen a keg yet.

Hitler throws the WORST gas chambers.

I'm so glad I pre-gamed. Read More »

Dear Timothy Williams,

Recently you have made us aware of your fatal disease, the cancer that tears at your bones all day and all night. You're in constant pain, and your childhood has been stripped away from you as you only have a few short months at best to live. I can't imagine the physical and emotional pain you are going through as the disease tears through your body and destroys your insides. Read More »

Hello, I'm Dr. Tickles, and I thank you for coming to Memorialwood Area Hospital. You keep my bathtub filled with money, patients like you. I'd almost say I love you, except that I don't love anything or anyone, except prostitutes and heroin. Read More »

Hey sweetheart, how are you? How is everything? Aww, I love you so much! I'm so ready to start our life together! You are the light of my life, my sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without you, baby. You are my reason to live, my everything. Read More »

There comes a time in every college kid's life - HAHA, I said "come." Sorry, I'll start over. There comes a time in every college kid's life when he needs to masturbate and his roommate will just not leave the room. It's like he's frozen there. Seconds seem to be minutes. Minutes seem like hours. Read More »