I'm a scientist. And like all other scientists, I use the Scientific Method to form and test theories and hypotheses using experiments and data. Since I am a scientist, I have an endless thirst for knowledge. So over the course of about a day or two, I texted an african-american named Xavier Holland with some simple questions I thought up. Here they are. Read More »

I'm not one to complain, but what kind of coke dealer was that, man? Seriously, where were that guy's manners? He didn't even thank me when I handed him the $150, or say "I'll probably give this to charity, or the homeless." Read More »

A middle-aged British man wearing a tan suit enters a small store. It's either like a convenience store or like a small pet shop. There's a middle-aged man standing behind an old-fashioned cash register, whistling.

The customer starts talking to the cashier.

"Cheers, mate, my name is Sir Reginald Pennington the 6th, per chance could you help me out?" Read More »

BRISTOL: CALL ME (920) 644-4650

[NOTE: This love letter is for Bristol Hussein Palin's eyes only. I left a message on her voicemail (seriously...keep reading) directing her to this website. I want her to know how much I love her and care for her, so I am writing this for her. Read More »

Dear Poison Control,

Let me start out by saying you guys are a bunch of DICKS. I know you think you're doing a service to the citizens of the United States of America, but that is 100% BULLSHIT.

If you think you PRICKS can control the greatest band on the face of God's green Earth, then you've got another thing coming: my fist. Read More »

Sweetheart, listen, this isn't working out. I know it's only been two days and you love me (your words, not mine), but we have to break up.

You said you wanted to take things slow. I guess we have differing definitions of "slow," because I figured you meant fool around and have sex and kinda go easy on the whole "relationship" thing at first. You know, take it slow. Read More »

Yo, man, this gas chamber is weeeaaakk. Let's blow this joint. You down for some T. Bell?

This is a total sausage fest. Dude, did you see that pile of naked dudes out back? Fags.

Let's get outta here. I haven't seen a keg yet.

Hitler throws the WORST gas chambers.

I'm so glad I pre-gamed. Read More »

Hello, nice to meet you.

Oh -- these are my balls, Vincent and Rosalinda.

No, no, that one's Vincent. Don't shake someone's hand if you don't know their name!

Let me tell you all about my balls. Read More »

(4 o'clock in the morning. A doctor comes out to the waiting room. He is frowning and avoids eye contact with the person he is coming to talk to. She knows what he is going to say from his body language. Her eyes start to water. She starts choking up and looks up at him through teary eyes as he comes near.)

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I'm so sorry." Read More »

As they say in Vietnam (if those giddamn Charlie spoke English), the silence is deafening.

You could cut the tension with a butcher knife, and just keep cutting 'til all you see is blood. Er....I mean...

I look across the table at Laura, just a few feet away. She's so kinda beautiful. Her earrings, her make-up, her avoidance of eye contact. Read More »

Dad always laughed out loud at America's Funniest Home Videos. No matter what. Loud as anyone can laugh. A hearty, boistrous, echoing laugh. For an hour straight. Every night. Read More »

Oh, hey Bristol. What's going on.

Cool, cool. So yeah, sorry I never called you after that night...

Glad you're over it.

Oh, you're seeing that Levi douche now?

I mean..what a great guy! Yeah, good guy, good. fuckin'. guy.

You look a little fat, Bristol. Are you a couple months fat?

Oh! You're pregnant. I hadn't heard. Read More »

If you're reading this sentence, you've just killed a prostitute. No worries! Luckily for you, we have compiled this helpful packet you should peruse every time you kill a prostitute.

First things first: Don't panic. Everything's going to be all right. Just be thankful nobody got hurt. Read More »

Oh, Hello My Precious Subject.

Why, I'm Just Watching You Sleep.

Go Back To Sleep Little One.

Can't Sleep With A Stranger Watching You Sleep?

Would You Care For An Ether Rag Over The Face?

Or Perhaps Some Roofie Sundaes?

Roofie Lasagna?

Roofie Pizza From Pizza Hut?

I'm Just Watching You Sleep.

You're Doing Well. Read More »

Do you think Michael Moore showered today?

Or is he gonna do a 'double-shower' tomorrow?

Isn't going out in the rain an adequate shower alternative?

Do you think Michael Moore did anything productive today?

Isn't masturbating alone in your dark apartment sorta productive?

I mean you DID something.

  Read More »