The NFL Playoff Email Exchange (Now with more X)

Throughout the NFL playoffs, at least once a week, PIC’s Xavier Holland (some call him X) and I will be exchanging emails and discussing the previous and upcoming week’s games. These are real actual emails from real actual people who live real actual lives and keep real actual jobs. We hope you really actually enjoy the exchange.

From: Nathan DeGraaf
To: Xavier Holland

Thu 1/3/2008 11:52 AM

Can you smell that? The Playoffs are coming. They’ll be here any minute. Remember when you were a kid anticipating Santa’s arrival and praying for some useless bauble that you’d undeniably end up hurting a sibling with before the damn thing broke? That’s how I feel about the playoffs. I am giddy with anticipation.

How about you, X? What are you giddy with?

Anyway X, in case you don’t know how this works, let me break it down for you. Basically, I email you my picks for the playoffs with comments. Throughout each email, I’ll ask you questions. You don’t have to answer them all, but if you don’t answer at least a few of them then we look like shit. So I’ll toss you a few easy ones.

What’s your favorite color?

(See? Like that.)

Anyway, onto my picks for the 2008 Playoffs.

SEAHAWKS over Redskins
This Washington story is awesome. I love how they overcame adversity against wicked odds. They had the death of Sean Taylor (registered badass) and an old coach who cost them a game by calling two timeouts in a row, forcing a delay of game penalty. And now they’re trying to bring the heat in Seattle. The ‘Skins are a hot team but they’re just not that good. Also, detail oriented coaching wins games in the playoffs and Joe Gibbs can’t even detail his car at this point. Also, ESPN’s hyping up the ‘Skins, and that’s pretty much the kiss of death for any playoff underdog.

Jaguars over STEELERS
The Jags have that thing, that swagger thing. They seem confident, arrogant and a little pissed off. If I had to pick one NFL playoff team to fight the terrorists, I would ask Jack Bauer to lead the Jaguars into battle.

BUCCANEERS over Giants
On Sunday, the Hooters near Raymond James Stadium will be open and serving beer at 5:30 AM in honor of the Bucs 1PM start. And some people still ask me why I live here. In all honesty though, I think the Bucs will win this because Eli Manning will have a bad day. There’s always a 50/50 on a Manning crap day and I like those odds.

CHARGERS over Titans
That’s right. I picked Norv Turner to win a playoff game. Rest assured, this will be the last time.

Okay, question time. First, thanks for being one of the few PICers who actually has more than a passing interest in sports. (Side note: if you ever want a laugh, try talking baseball with Court. It’s like talking to a nine year old about global politics.) Let’s get to the questions.

Now that the regular season is over, it’s time to take stock in the important things. My two favorite sports moments from this year were the Micheal Spurlock kickoff return for a touchdown (first ever in Bucs’ history) and Luke McCown leading the Bucs to an actual victory, which was unexpected to say the least. What were your two favorite moments from this NFL season?

This year was the year of the ball washing. I don’t know if you watched much of Favre, Brady and Manning, but my God were those boys getting their balls licked feverously by the sports media. Anyway, I think Favre got the most happy endings from the folks in the booths. Who do you think got the biggest ball washing? Oh, and while we’re here, who do you think got screwed over by the media the most? I would say Vick, but I’m pretty sure that makes me racist. Your thoughts?

And finally, this is the part where we predict who will be in the Super Bowl. I’m thinking it’ll be Bucs versus Colts. They’ll call it the Dungy Bowl and it will feature more shots of the coaches than any other game in NFL history.

From: Xavier Holland
To: Nathan DeGraaf

Thu 1/3/2008 1:14 PM

I never really understood the favorite color question. Doesn't it really depend on what you're talking about? Like, black is good for clothes, but it's not what I want to see in a sunset, or anything. I pretty much answer that question randomly as the situation dictates; I find that "menstrual-blood red" genuinely nips that line of questioning in the bud pretty neatly.

SEAHAWKS over Redskins
I don't even know what detail-oriented coaching entails, but I do know that my grandmother could manage a game better than Gibbs. And she's been cremated for over a decade now. Clinton Portis has been playing well, so I think it might be close, but I don't really see the Redskins pulling this one out. I've been under-whelmed by them all season.

STEELERS over Jaguars
If I had to pick one team to fight the terrorists, I would send them John Madden teaming up with Dennis Miller to broadcast endless loops of Dolphins games. They would surrender instantly.

Game wise, I just am leery of taking warm-weather, unproven young QBs on the road against good defenses.

Giants over BUCCANEERS
I hate the Giants. I'm not sure why I do, but ever since I've been cognizant of football, they've just irked the shit out of me. That being said, I think they're the better team. I'll probably be at my local Hooters too where they’re all like, “Please stop staring at my breasts. This is a Dunkin' Donuts.”

CHARGERS over Titans
I also hate the Titans, and the Chargers have easily been a top-4 second half team. On an entirely unrelated note, Cleveland went 7-1 at home this year.

My two favorite moments from this NFL season have to be Devin Hester breaking his own return record and fucking anything from Randy Moss. Hester because not only is he fast and shifty, but he also fumbles a lot. That means lots of plays involving him are exciting. I like being excited. It's also impressive that he was able to record 6 touchdowns, considering nobody in their right mind wanted to kick to him.

Oh, Randy, Randy. He was always that guy I imagined I was when playing pickup football—as a lanky kind of receiver, it just made sense. Those 98 Vikings were a sight. I was downright sad when he got traded to Oakland and stopped trying, but I never lost the belief that he was the best receiver in the league, when motivated.

Thanks for proving me right, Randy.

I don't think anybody got a bigger ball-washing than Favre. Peyton was in every fucking commercial, but in football terms, he was relatively overlooked. Tom Brady, through no real fault of his own, is implicated in evil, evil deeds. I've never heard so many people wish somebody got hit by lightning before. Favre, though, has that everyman shouldering an overachieving team thing going on.

Vick got screwed by the media, but I guess he kinda warranted it. Still though, them dissecting his speech points as if he had drawn little smiley faces all over it was kind of fucked up; just because he wanted to remember everything doesn't make it any less heartfelt. Besides, the guy smokes a ton. How good do people expect his memory to be?

If the Super Bowl is Colts vs. Bucs, I quit. I don't know what I'll quit, but I'll find something. As ho-hum as this sounds, I've seen nothing to indicate it won't be NE-Dallas. Part of me wants to pick something less obvious so I have a chance to look brilliant, but it is what it is.

Fuck it, I'll be bold. Atlanta over St. Jose in 2.

From: Nathan Degraaf
To: Xavier Holland

Thursday, January 03, 2008 1:30 PM

St. Jose vs. Atlanta?

No way you get off that light. If you don't offer a correction, I think we have to go with NE/Dallas as your pick. And that will never happen because everyone thinks it will. Kind of like flying cars.

From: Xavier Holland
To: Nathan DeGraaf

Thursday, January 03, 2008 1:30 PM

Eh, I'll make it a little more exciting and go with Indy/Dallas. I really don't see Green Bay getting all the way, and the rest of the NFC is just kind of eh. Indy could definitely knock off NE though, and it's a *slightly* more interesting prediction.

Got your own playoff predictions? Great, man. No one cares though. Really. I mean, you can leave them in the comment box if you want but, rest assured, no one gives a shit.

Picking Them Games: The End is Near

The last game of the regular season. As the man says, nothing gold can stay.

The last game of the regular season always makes me want to look back at some of the more memorable moments in the season. But I never do. Looking back is for meditative pansies. I’m a future guy. And the future is the playoffs. The future is possibilities. Anyway, looking back requires research. And research sucks.

A poet once wrote that nature’s first green is gold. And well, looking forward and being positive, I guess we could say that the playoffs are gold right now. They’ll be here soon enough and I with them.

And I can’t wait.

On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

EAGLES (-7.5) over Bills
The Eagles are a very angry team right now. Watching them play reminds me that football is one of the few games where playing angry is actually an asset and not a hindrance. I’ll be watching this game just to see the hits. Hits kick ass.

Panthers (-2.5) over BUCS
The Bucs are letting the B team coast them down the stretch here. They don’t care much about winning anything and are resting up for their inevitable Cinderella story style ride to the Super Bowl (note: this is wishful thinking).

Anyway, can’t wait for more of that Luke McCown. Damn, I love me some McCown action. Watching him play quarterback is like watching my niece dance the funky chicken. It’s more entertaining than should probably be legal. I mean that, by the way.

Bengals (-2.5) over DOLPHINS
This game is so unimportant, I wouldn’t be surprised if the camera pans to the Benglas bench and catches someone rolling a joint.

RAVENS (+3.5) over Steelers
The Ravens suck. And they will continue to suck. But I just can’t see why the Steel would risk injury in this game. If I were them, I’d just forfeit. Or maybe try my third stringers just to see if any of them could set a penalty record or something. God, the last week of the year always has some shitty games.

BROWNS (-10.5) over Niners
Yawn.

Lions (+3.5) over PACKERS
Congratulations to the Lions for ending their six game losing streak and risking a .500 record for the first time this decade. In honor of their newfound mediocrity, I’m picking them against the already-in-the-playoffs Packers. I’m sensitive like that.

TEXANS (-6) over Jaguars
The Jags are in so naturally they’re resting their starters. Every time I hear the phrase “resting the starters” I get a picture of some big linemen napping in a hammock. I ain’t right.

BEARS (+2) over Saints
Only ‘cause it’ll be cold and this game will essentially mean nothing unless Washington and Minnesota lose (not happening). It’s fitting that these two teams are (most likely) ending their seasons against each other. Next to the Niners, these two teams were the biggest letdowns in the NFL this year. Oh yeah, you feel that? The truth is sometimes painful. And I bring the troof straight through the roof.

You feel me. I know you do.

REDSKINS (-9) over Cowboys
Washington wins and they’re in. They control their own destiny. Which is another phrase that weirds me out. I don’t think anyone can control their own destiny besides major deities. When I hear about people controlling their own destinies, I always get jealous and think things like, “If I controlled my own destiny I’d be a ninja.” I need to lay off the sauce.

Vikings (-3) over BRONCOS
The Vikings need a Redskin loss to get into the playoffs. The Redskins are playing the Cowboys who could give two shits about their game. In fact, I should probably check my Outlook calendar because I’m pretty sure I’m the Cowboys starting cornerback this week.

At any rate, the Vikes need this and the ‘Cos (nice ring to it, eh?) need to be systematically destroyed and that’s why I picked the Vikings. True story.

FALCONS (-1) over Seahawks
If I was head coach of the Seahawks, I would give my team the week off and send a high school team to Atlanta instead. The Falcons are so screwed up, they might not even notice.

Chargers (-8) over RAIDERS
Though the Bolts have clinched, I think their little rivalry with the Raiders might cancel out a weak performance. And apparently Vegas agrees. The lesson, as always, I’m awesome.

CARDINALS (-6) over Rams
Do you think they’ll televise this one?

Chiefs (+6) over JETS
Or this one?

COLTS (+6.5) over Titans
It’s the Jim Sorgi Bowl! I wouldn’t be surprised if backup QB Jim Sorgi gets amped up for this one and ends up throwing like seven touchdowns. By the way, I’m sure it’s great being Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, but who has it easier than Sorgi? Dude’s got the life. He gets to be in the NFL, never gets hurt, never works too hard, never feels pressure and he has a Super Bowl ring. I’ll bet he smiles the whole way into work. Lucky fuck.

GIANTS (+14) over Patriots
I would type about the NFL Network issue here, but quite frankly it makes me too hostile and I’m not in the mood. So let me just say that I hope that the Giants can get their shit together and ruin the Patriots’ quest for 16-0. It’s not that I don’t want to see another perfect season or anything, it’s just that… well, most Patriot fans have been insufferable all season long—I even had to hit one in the throat this year—and well, I just want them to shut up. Maybe I’m being greedy here but I don’t care. So please God, Tom Coughlin and Michael Strahan, if you’re listening to my prayers, could you please put an end to all the smugness?

Nothing gold can stay, sports fans. And so we bid farewell to another season of the NFL. The playoffs are coming, and then the Super Bowl, and then the darkness creeps in.

It hurts to say goodbye, so we’ll just say, “Break Brady’s knee in half” instead.

Enjoy the last week, Sports fans. Xavier and I will see you in the playoffs (hint: I’m the white one). Until then, Happy New Year. Maybe this year, you’ll actually win a bet.

Holiday Game Picking

Football is a lot like life. It’s fun, painful at times and it can cause your private parts to itch. And I mean really, itch. Marinate on that.

On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Cowboys (-10.5) over PANTHERS
I think it’s unfair that Jessica Simpson’s being blamed for Romo’s poor performance against a team he always performs poorly against. Anyway, if Romo can’t play in front of Simpson, I doubt he could fuck her in front of total strangers. So the relationship’s doomed. Still think the ‘Boys are going to the Bowl though.

Browns (-3) over BENGALS
I don’t think I can say or type anything that will make this game any funnier. So, with that in mind, I have a piece of advice for fantasy football owners: no one cares. Please shut up. No one cares about how Brady and Romo messed up your personal, imaginary playoffs. So please, shut the hell up. For me?

Packers (-8.5) over BEARS
I just realized that I’m picking a lot of road teams here. It’s a good thing I don’t really know what I’m doping or I might question my decisions. Being an idiot is a built-in excuse and quite a time saver.

COLTS (-7) over Texans
“Since getting to Florida, and hanging out with Nate, I noticed he often asks these really curious, fleeting questions that we never really spend time contemplating. One: modern technology distracts us from developing our personal character. (Ok: make that a question.) And Two: Does an intuitive space exist? What the fuck? Seriously, think about this shit the next time your rubbing one out or jerking off.”

--Erin Moore

I have a houseguest.

Chiefs (+5) over LIONS
It’s the Who Cares Bowl. Brought to you by “What the fuck are you watching this for?”

Dolphins (+23) over PATRIOTS
In honor of their win, I figured I’d toss a pick their way. But I’m not confident that a Miami team can cover this on the road in the cold. But I doubt their D will see much of the first string anyway. Congratulations again, Miami. On your win.

That’s right. Your one measly little win.

Giants (-2.5) over BILLS
Me: Hey Ben, give me a joke for the Giants/Bills game.
Ben: A joke? For that game. Uhh… Eli Manning?

JAGUARS (-13) over Raiders
I did a little research and I deduced that I have gotten almost every Raiders game wrong this year. Adjust your bets accordingly.

Eagles (+3) over SAINTS
The Eagles are pissed off. I’ve seen pissed off before and it looks like the Eagles. If Drew Brees isn’t injured yet, he will be after this game.

VIKINGS (-6) over Redskins
Watching the Redskins work their asses off to try and get a touchdown is like watching a toddler try to climb a mountain. It’s entertaining, but you know how it’s gonna end.

CARDINALS (-10.5) over Falcons
Watching the Falcons play the Bucs last week, I picked up a little something about some issues the Falcons are having on offense and defense: they suck. They just suck at football. The next time someone tries to expand the NFL, we need only point at all the shitty teams, of which there are many this year, and say, “Yeah. Not happening.” Should be a quick meeting.

SEAHAWKS (-10) over Ravens
I think watching an actual seahawk fight an actual raven would actually be more entertaining than this game will be. Just saying.

TITANS (-8.5) over Jets
Have to hand it to the Jets. They held their own against the Patriots. For a team that sucks as bad as they do, that’s gotta at least be some kind of moral victory right? I mean, they did cover by twenty points or so.

BUCCANEERS (-6) over Niners
Micheal Spurlock is a god now down here in Tampa. After returning our first kickoff for a touchdown (and I mean ever in fucking 31 years), he will never buy another drink in this town again. Also, I’m pretty sure he could open up a restaurant and get his own talk show in these parts. He is, for all intents and purposes, a maker of history.

Kind of sad if you look at it with a dose of perspective. So here’s my advice to all you perspective having motherfuckers: lighten up. We’re enjoying this.

CHARGERS (-8) over Denver
“I’ll either surf or ski. I don’t care.”

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Enjoy the games people. Enjoy your vacations and your families and your hometowns and all that good jazz.

And if you don’t, well try to keep a dose of perspective around. You know, just in case.

Picking them Games: Thanks Dad

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. I was sick. And drunk.

This was a rough week for sports. Bobby Petrino bailed on the Falcons with three weeks left in the season, which is rude to say the least and disdainful to say the most. From the stuff I heard and read, Petrino was the least liked person in Atlanta. And Atlanta’s the home of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. You have to be a hell of a bastard to be that hated in the A T L.

Also, something called the Mitchell Report was released yesterday. I didn’t read it because I don’t care. But apparently, professional athletes use performance enhancing drugs. I know I’ve typed it here before but allow me to type it again: I don’t care if professional athletes use performance enhancing drugs. In fact, I’m all for it. You want to know why? Because it enhances the performance. I want my entertainment to be as awesome as it can be. And if that means Barry Bonds has to give up his testicles then so the hell be it. The important thing here is that I’m entertained.

Also, Michael Vick got sentenced to 23 months in prison Monday morning which seems excessive but what the hell do I know? (I mean, Leonard Little got drunk and killed someone and he only got a year-long suspension.) Say what you will about Vick, but no one in the history of professional sports has ever pissed away his career in such a fantastic fashion. I can’t wait for the inevitable movie.

Which brings me to Arthur Blank, who I do not believe meant anything racist or derogatory by his fried chicken comment. (He said that if Vick ate fried chicken in jail and got all fat then he would never play again or something.) We must remember that fried chicken is delicious, and like all things delicious, it is also fattening. Of course, I’ve never met and do not know Mr. Home Depot Man, so for all I know, Arthur Blank could be a card carrying member of the Ku Klux Klan (I wonder what that card would look like) but I doubt it. Racists hate the black QB. And Blank loved Vick more than almost all of his other investments.

So, in one week we had a borderline racist statement from an NFL owner, the sentencing of one of the league’s best quarterbacks, the release of the Mitchell Report and a coach quitting on his team mid-season. But hell, at least no one died. Well, last week anyway.

On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS

Nate’s Note: The earlier version of this post had to be taken down and tinkered with because I misread a lot of the spreads. Oddly enough, my dad caught the mistakes and called in the corrections. We keep it in the family here at The Nate Way

Bengals (-9) over 49ERS
I know this is off topic (‘cause that’s my style) but are any two cities less alike than Cincy and San Fran? I have a feeling that Skyline Chili would not sell well in Frisco. Just doesn’t go with red wine.

Cardinals (+3.5) over SAINTS
This is a must win for both teams, which means there is a chance, however slight, that watching this game won’t put me to sleep.

I mean that’s a plus, right?

BUCCANEERS (-13) over Falcons
Lawyer Milloy took Bobby Petrino’s letter of resignation, grabbed a red sharpie, crossed out Petrino’s name and replaced it with the word: Coward! (The exclamation is his, not mine.) If that doesn’t sum up how Atlanta’s players felt about Bobby, well my name is not Nathan DeGraaf and I do not masturbate with regularity.

Ravens (-3) over DOLPHINS
My friend Kevin (in Boca Raton—a Miami suburb) did not renew his season tickets before this season. That may very well have been the smartest decision made by anyone associated with the Dolphins organization this year.

Also, apparently PIC’s own Jonathan Marine is a Dolphin’s fan and will be chronicling their historic fall from grace.

This is probably Miami’s last chance to get a win. I highly recommend upping the CCs before shooting up this week, Dolphins, but it won’t help. I’ve never seen a team suck as bad as y’all suck. And I’m a Buccaneers’ fan. I’ve seen a lot of crap.

Bills (+6) over BROWNS
Every time these two teams meet, some asshole does a write-up of how long-suffering these two fan bases are. Well, this year I figured they’d skip it because the Bills and Browns are both above .500. Not so. I found at least ten stories with that angle on the net. I think it would suck to be a part of a struggling fan base and have my town’s sports writers constantly reminding me that I was part of a struggling fan base. It’d be like walking around hell with some dude next to me constantly saying, “You’re walking around in hell.” Doesn’t help, you know?

Packers (-9) over RAMS
Cheer up Rams’ fans. You could be Dolphins fans.

My father, a Rams’ fan, has no idea why this spread opened at ten and then went down.

“It should have gone the other way,” he said.

Think they’re having a good winter in St. Louis?

STEELERS (-3.5) over Jaguars
Anthony Smith guaranteed that he’ll get to play in this game at some point. No truth to the rumor that he’ll actually cover a fucking receiver this time.

PATRIOTS (-24) over Jets
When I first saw this spread, I thought, “Well, that’s not near high enough.” This will be a massacre. I mean it won’t even be funny.

Actually, I take that back. If you’re not a Jets fan, odds are this game will be freaking hilarious.

Seahawks (-8) over PANTHERS
Apparently, the odds makers don’t see the Panthers putting up much of a fight in this one. Hey, speaking of odds makers, I read a great idea on somebody’s sports blog the other day (I read so many that I can’t remember which one this was from). Some dude suggested that we should just let Vegas decide the two teams to play for the national championship game in college football. And I gotta say, that makes perfect sense. Who knows more about football matchups than Vegas? Someone needs to get this done like yesterday and I nominate you.

You know, because you don’t look all that busy.

Titans (-4) over CHIEFS
Rest assured, I will not be watching this game. I got stuff going on. Like things and such. Anyway, I don’t see why the Chiefs would even bother trying to win this game. Their season’s over and there are draft picks to consider.

Colts (-10.5) over RAIDERS
And now it’s time for another Priceless Pep Talk with Peyton Manning.

“Pissed off ‘cause your wife won’t let you bang the babysitter. Yeah… I feel you. It’s rough. But you know what, she doesn’t let you eat fried foods but you still do it when she ain’t around. Yeah… you feel me.”

CHARGERS (-11) over Lions
Okay, so last week a reader named Kristin typed in the comment box that she has been waiting all season for me to say something nice about the Lions, who have been floundering under the idiotic rule of Matt Millen for far too long. Anyway, when the Lions were giving the Cowboys the business last Sunday, I was elated. I was like, “Yes, I can finally write something positive about the Lions and Kristin will be happy.”

But at the end, they choked away the game like the losers they are.

Sorry Kristin.

COWBOYS (-10) over Eagles
Hey Philadelphia, I hear the Flyers are kicking ass this year. Good for y’all.

My friend Nikki has a nickname for Tony Romo. She calls him “The Dimpled One” and “Dimples” for short. I can’t bring myself to call another man, Dimples, so I ‘m opening up the floor to y’all. Do you have an opinion of a good nickname for the regular season’s league leader in smiles? When the playoffs roll around, I really don’t want to be referring to Romo as Dimples. Please help.

GIANTS (-4) over Redskins
Todd Collins is back. It has been ten years since his last start. When I first heard that Todd Collins was quarterbacking the ‘Skins this week, my first thought was “Who is Todd Collins?”

Someone should just put Coach Gibbs out of his misery. Or maybe find a nice, nursing home for him. He’s done.

VIKINGS (-10) over Bears
Kyle Orton is coming back. Orton, for those of you who don’t know, is the NFL’s most well-documented partier (that’s debatable, I guess, but Kyle’s certainly up there). Known for his unkempt beard, unkempt hair and love for Jack Daniels, Orton will not be leading the Bears to any victory next week. He will, however, get drunk.

And before I take off, here’s a quick story for you.

My buddy Dan is considering naming his next child, Awesome. That’s right, if he ever has a boy, he says he wants to name it Awesome. The child’s middle name, Dan assures me, would be Jack. So the kid’s name would be Awesome Jack and they would call him AJ. Which is cool, I guess.

Anyway, Dan floated the idea by his wife, who reacted as if he’d suggested they replace their three bedroom house with missile silo. Needless to say, Awesome Jack won’t be happening any time soon.

Except in fiction. I think I might just turn him into a character.

Oh, and I hope Roger Goodell gets hit by a bus this week.

And I hope your teams win Dear Readers, unless your team is the Falcons (sorry Court) because I’m a Bucs fan.

Picking them Games with a Houseguest

Life, if you haven’t noticed (or even if you have) is strange. One day, you’re living in Portland, Oregon, battling a $100 a day coke habit and the next thing you know, you’re on your motorcycle, traveling the country, getting in wild adventures with drunk, Irish pilots (that is so like you).

And a few weeks later, before you know it, you and the Mexican bitch you picked up are crashing on my couch and displaying a little tit. (Although truly, it was her tit so we’ll give her the credit there.)

Actually, come to think of it, none of this is you. This is Aaron Brockman, an aspiring comedy writer who just discovered PIC and of whom I am ridiculously jealous. Sure, he’s 22 years old, independently wealthy and on a four month vacation, but can he pick football games?

Let’s find out.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

JAGUARS (-10.5) over Panthers
I asked Aaron how he felt about this game. His response: “I don’t even know these teams.”

Yeah, he’s totally qualified.

Cowboys (-11) over LIONS
Okay, this game ain’t worth writing about so time for a story. The Mexican bitch gave Aaron a hickey and he’s got another slew monkey in Gainesville to go meet up with today. Here’s Aaron’s idea for covering the hickey: he’s gonna take a knife and cut himself in the spot. This may seem like a dumb idea to you, but it’s no dumber than whatever Mike Martz is thinking up to try and beat Dallas.

BILLS (-7.5) over Dolphins
“Who are the Bills?” Aaron asks.

As I’m laughing he adds, “I don’t even know who they are. Is that short for something?”

Like I said, the kid is totally qualified for The Nate Way game picking.

Giants (+3) over EAGLES
For twenty bucks, who’s the bigger Douche, Eli or Peyton Manning? I used to think Peyton had this locked up but well, I gotta hand it to Eli. He’s getting douchier with every week.

Raiders (+10.5) over PACKERS
Aaron’s a Packers fan, so let's go to him for this one.

“If Brett Favre had any more gray hair, I would confuse him with my dad and hit him up for cash.”

For the record, I miss being 22.

Steelers (+10.5) over PATRIOTS
I do believe the Patriots may be mortal. Just a rumor. Don’t get mad, Boston people. I’m just saying.

TITANS (pk) Chargers
Aaron would bet on the Chargers for this one because a Charger is one of his favorite cars.

Have I mentioned how qualified he is?

Rams (+8) over BENGALS
I’m sick of the Bengals this year. I mean, really sick. I think they gave me diarrhea.

Bucs (-3) over TEXANS
Seriously, Luke McCown? And it worked? And we won? Luke McCown? Insert current "temperature in hell" joke here.

Cardinals (+7) over SEAHAWKS
This is not a smart pick. I just smell something. And it ain’t the diarrhea.

Vikings (-9) over 49ERS
Purple Jesus is back. Apparently, whatever doesn’t kill him only makes him faster.

Browns (-3) over JETS
From Aaron: “The Browns are like shit. For so many years they’ve been going down the toilet. It’s like this year somebody forgot to flush.”

BRONCOS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been surprising this year. I’m surprised they’re still playing.

Ravens (+9.5) over COLTS
Have the Ravens stopped bitching yet? Seriously. I’ve seen little leaguers handle losing better.

Saints (-3.5) over FALCONS
As a Bucs fan, let me take this opportunity to thank Saints Coach Sean Peyton for totally shitting the bed against us last week. I know dumb when I see it. And that was dumb.

Enjoy the games and remember: if your team doesn’t go to the playoffs, well they suck. Plain and simple.

Picking Them Games without the NFL Network

Back when I was a little kid, the football St. Louis Cardinals (sometimes called the Gridbirds) moved to Arizona and even though the team consistently and constantly found new ways to suck, they were my team and I was sad they bailed. For a while there after the demise of St. Louis Cardinals football, nobody knew what to do. It was hard to know how to feel. There were too many questions connected to our emotions. Could we keep rooting for a team that abandoned us? How would we decide who our new team(s) would be? Would we switch allegiances? What, exactly, was the plan?

Well, it turned out, for those miserable years from ’88 to ’95, everyone in St. Louis kind of devised their own plan. For example, my father was raised in Northwest Iowa, so his plan was very simple: the Vikings were his team first because most of his family rooted for them. Second came the Chiefs because they were the closest team to St. Louis and last came Chicago because they were the second closest (perhaps KC and Chitown are the same distance form St. Louis but St. Louis and Chicago have a rivalry so the thought of putting the Bears ahead of the Chiefs was too much for my father to even consider). I followed my father’s plan because I didn’t know what else to do and the man has a freaking doctorate plus he made some mean chili so why not? But first I flirted with one of my friend’s dad’s ideas.

One of my friends (I forget his name) had a dad who owned three thousand square foot basement and something called satellite television (which I had never heard of until that time). And his dad was not ready to give up the Gridbirds so he invited everyone over to his place (in week 3 when the local stations stopped broadcasting the Gridbirds) where he could actually display a Cardinals game that we could not see in local pubs or our own homes. The result was a packed basement that started with twenty or so kids and forty or so parents.

By halftime, it was assholes and elbows in that basement. I mean, standing room only (I even drank a whole beer without anyone noticing—good times). Some of the people at the basement party were rooting for the Cardinals, most were pulling for them to lose (myself, included), which was funny because losing was all they ever did anyway and was pretty much a weekly lock.

Anyway, the result of this get-together was good times. Because we were in a friendly, roomy place with all of our friends and few (if any) alternatives to see the broadcast somewhere else, we were captive. We had to deal with one another and (most importantly) we all had to live and die by the same game, which meant we fed off each other’s energy, which is fun.

Fast forward to yesterday’s NFL Network game. First, for those of you who don’t know, the National Football League is run by a bunch of fascist assholes who could give two shits about their fans. They canceled all the Saturday afternoon December NFL games, then switched those games to Saturday night and Thursday night games on their own new network, which wouldn’t be such a kick in the teeth if the average fan could actually get the games, but the NFL Network cannot come to terms with a deal with the cable companies because… well, both parties involved are really greedy.

So anyway, much like when the Gridbirds left, I had to devise a plan because two one loss NFC teams were playing and the game was going to be awesome. I mean, I couldn’t just not see it; it wasn’t a Falcons game.

Fortunately, satellite television is as commonplace as saline implants in this great country of ours, so I went up to the closest pub to watch the game.

And it was freaking packed.

Married couples who usually stay home were there, college kids who usually spend their Thursday nights in the bar districts or near the beach were there. Bisexual softball girls were there, cocaine addicted truckers were there, old friends were there, new friends were there and everyone was all on the same page: we were all there to watch an awesome game and enjoy it immensely. The vibe was simple: this was the place to be and we were all happy for the opportunity to be there. It was like St. Patrick’s Day but with football and without the green beer.

The end result was a simple one: I had the best time watching football I’ve had since the Bucs won the Super Bowl back in ’02. The game was awesome (it even featured a hell of an effort by backup quarterback Aaron Rodgers, which was unexpected to say the least), the camaraderie was atypical and, to borrow from Lloyd Christmas, the beer flowed like wine.

And I owe it all to the combined greed of the NFL and the cable providers.

So, to all you rich greedy bastards, I just want to say thank you for not giving two shits about us regular everyday fans. I want to thank you for providing me with a fun night of football and friendship, and I want to thank you for reminding me what it was like back when limited technology practically required friends to come together.

Oh, and by the by, I hope you greedy fucks die slow painful deaths in front of your families. Assholes.

On to picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

GRIDBIRDS (PK) over Browns
I saw a great T-Shirt last night at the smoky pool hall. It offered the words: “I’m an Arizona Cardinal Fan. Please Help.” I gave the shirt’s owner a buck. He looked like he could use it.

PANTHERS (-3) over 49ers
If you think this game will be awesomely enjoyable to watch then you’re either an idiot, a masochist or on drugs. The Panthers don’t know who’s playing QB for them, which is bad. The 49ers are starting Trent Dilfer at QB, which is worse.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Raiders
Once, when I was a little kid, I saw two bums fighting over a cheap bottle of booze outside a liquor store in St. Louis. For whatever reason, that was the first thing I thought of when I saw this game. Just saying.

Jaguars (+7) over COLTS
For some reason, I smell a Peyton Manning injury. Smells like roasted douchebag which, incidentally, is the latest product the quarterback’s endorsing this year. In stores now!

Jets (+1) over DOLPHINS
Time for that classic Simpson’s quote:

“Yeah Moe, those teams suck. I mean they really suck. I’ve seen some teams suck before but never like they sucked. They’re the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Hold on a second, my wiener kids are listening.”

(Side note: I originally had this quote under the Panthers/Niners game, then saw this bag of suck and immediately cut and pasted it down here. Much better fit.)

Lions (+4) over VIKINGS
The Vikings are bringing Adrian Peterson (aka Purple Jesus) back from injury for this one. And I have a feeling that this may be a bit premature and will result in the end of Peterson’s career. And there’s nothing funny about that so let me just say that like many NFL players, I too talk to God. And he said he had no flipping idea who John Kitna was. Also, he said you masturbate too much. Sinner.

BUCS (-3.5) over Saints
I watched the Bucs play last week with Bruce Gradkowski under center and I realized something very frightening: the Bucs do not even have a shot at going to the playoffs unless 37 year-old Jeff Garcia can stay healthy. That’s right, my team’s success hinges on the health of an old man who not only plays a very physically challenging sport, but also sleeps with a beautiful, young model, which is enough to injure any man.

I think I just shit myself.

BEARS (+1.5) over Giants
When you think about it, the only difference between Eli and Rex is pedigree. Both are inconsistent, suffer from delusions of grandeur and specialize in interceptions. I flipped a coin for this one.

Seahawks (+3) over EAGLES
The Eagles have a quarterback controversy between Donovan McNabb and AJ Feely. You read that correctly. Sorry Philadelphia. At least you’ll always have Rocky.

Bengals (+7) over STEELERS
Toughest game on the board. The Steel will take this one for granted because their remaining games are so important and the Bengals are already making plans for January golf in Ft. Myers. If the players are that interested, imagine how much fun this game will be for the casual fan.

It’s times like this I actually appreciate the antics of Chad Johnson. At least he makes this one somewhat watchable.

In the words of John Hampton, “Rivalry my ass.”

Chiefs (+6) over CHARGERS
Once, while visiting a friend in the hospital, I witnessed one of the funniest things I have ever seen: two girls in wheelchairs bitch slapping each other in the hallway. The orderlies, after pushing through the small crowd of onlookers, took about two seconds to break this up (they just turned the chairs around). Anyway, this was the first thing I thought of when I heard that Norv Turner was matching wits with Herm Edwards. Just saying.

RAMS (-3) over Falcons
Picking this game was like picking my favorite color of snot: painful and pointless.

TEXANS (-4) over Titans
I am picking the young, inexperienced white quarterback over the young, inexperienced black quarterback. Which means I’m racist. I learned that logic from half of Page 2’s writers on ESPN.com. Remember white people, if Michael Vick electrocutes dogs and goes to jail for it, you’re racist.

REDSKINS (-5.5) over Bills
This spread is Vegas’ way of shrugging and saying, “I dunno.” No one knows if the death of Sean Taylor will leave the ‘Skins super emotional and madly motivated or just sad and deflated. Anyway, because now’s not the time to make fun of the team from DC, let me just say that the decision by Bills management to go with JP Losman last week was stupider than the time I gave four-month-old potato salad a chance.

Patriots (-20) over RAVENS
I met a twenty-one year old kid who told me that all the wins out of New England lately are deserved because of all the losing seasons he suffered. I hit him in the throat and told him that the punch was deserved because of all the years of health he enjoyed. Needless to say, I’m no longer allowed in that Applebee’s.

Enjoy all the games that don’t suck, sports fans.

Picking them Games with the Classics

In honor of PIC’s newest blogger, Tyler Haggard, I am using this week’s picks to recommend some classic rock songs for his show, which is actually pretty damn good. If you listen, make sure to call him because he’s really busy there and it’s funny listening to him try to focus on two things at once.

On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Titans (-1) over BENGALS
“My Friend” by Jimi Hendrix.

This song actually starts out with the words, “Y’all pass me that bottle and I’ll sing y’all a real song” and only gets better from there.

BROWNS (-3.5) over Texans
“Peace Frog” by the Doors.

Because I love songs that use the word “blood” over and over again.

Raiders (+5) over CHIEFS
“Tangerine” by Led Zeppelin.

The most underrated Zeppelin song of all time, in my humble opinion.

Seahawks (-3) over RAMS
“I think I’m an Alright Guy” by Todd Sninder.

This song came out in the early eighties and is probably too new for Tyler’s show. Nevertheless, this is my personal theme song and I love hearing it.

Vikings (+7.5) over GIANTS
“Picasso Moon” by the Grateful Dead.

Very underrated Dead song.

BUCS (-3) over Redskins
“Sign on the Window” by Bob Dylan.

By far and away my favorite Bob Dylan song.

Saints (-3) over PANTHERS
“Fearless” by Pink Floyd.

This one should be dedicated to Fearless Editor Court Sullivan and also is, in my humble opinion, the best Pink Floyd song ever. If you disagree then you disagree and that’s totally fine.

But you’re wrong.

JAGS (-7.5) over Bills
“Astro Man” by Jimi Hendrix.

Just a goofy, rip-roaring funny song that also displays a punk edge you don’t see much in Hendrix’s music.

CARDS (-10) over 49ers
“If you Wanna Be Happy” by Jimmy Soul.

This song is funny. Plain and simple.

Broncos (+2) over BEARS
“Shanty (aka The Friday Song)” by Gone Fishin’ Band (also performed by Andrew Freeman and written by Jonathan Edwards)

I believe this is the first song about getting stoned ever recorded by a white guy, so you can bet your bargain basement dollar that Tyler has it on file.

Ravens (+9) over CHARGERS
“The Man in Me” by Bob Dylan.

This song was popularized by the movie, “The Big Lebowski.” Before seeing that movie, I thought I was the only one who liked it.

PATRIOTS (-22.5) over Eagles
“Electric Funeral” by Black Sabbath.

Can you believe there was a time when nobody in music was a bigger badass than Ozzy Osborne? Kind of hard to figure, you know, since he’s still alive and almost coherent and all that.

STEELERS (-16) over Dolphins
“The Man who Sold the World” by David Bowie.

There’s a reason Nirvana covered this. It’s fucking awesome.

So anyway, if you want to support classic rock and Points in Case at the same time, listen to Tyler’s show. If you don’t feel like supporting PIC and classic rock at the same time, well there’s always football.

And I hope your team wins. Unless they’re the Redskins.

You know, 'cause I'm a Bucs fan and all that.

Picking them Games with Lyrics

It’s 10:52 AM in the Eastern Standard Time Zone (motto: We’re New York’s Time Zone, Bitches!) and I still haven’t gotten to my shitty picks yet. What a year. Anyway, this week’s lazy picks are gonna involve quotes from music instead of movies.

And no, I’m not telling you who the quotes are from and I am doing the lines from memory. This way, even I’m likely to get some of the quote origins wrong. It adds to the mystery.

Let’s do this thing. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

JAGUARS (-3) over Chargers
The pump don’t work ‘cause the vandal took the handle.

Browns (-2.5) over RAVENS
I’m taking to the brink ‘cause it’s a different country
And bringing with me the people I know deep down are funky.

Steelers (-9) over JETS
You don’t know us at all.
We laugh when old people fall.
But what would you expect from a culture so small?

COWBOYS (-10.5) over Redskins
The boys are back in town.

EAGLES (-9.5) over Dolphins
Blood on the rise
It’s up to my ankles
Blood on the streets
It’s up to my knees.

Buccaneers (-3) over FALCONS
Nothing’s gonna save me from a love that’s blind
Slip to the dark side when I cross that line.

Raiders (+5) over VIKINGS
What he said may have been beautiful
But the pain is right now and right here.

BENGALS (-3) over Cardinals
And the loud mouth in the corner’s getting to me
Talking ‘bout my earrings and my hair.
He ain’t read the sign
That says I been to prison
And he better shut the fuck up ‘fore I knock him off his chair.

Chiefs (+14.5) over COLTS
Don’t go away mad
Just go away.

LIONS (+2.5) over Giants
And I said, what about a revolution?

Saints (+1) over TEXANS
Don’t call it a comeback.

PACKERS (-9.5) over Panthers
I’ve been here for years.

Rams (-3) over NINERS
I’ve been down so goddamn long
That it looks like up to me.

Bears (+5.5) over SEAHAWKS
He just smiled, shook my hand
And no was all he said.

Patriots (-16) over BILLS
I’m the instigator of the me generation,
The official semen-ator of the female population
And I scoff at my rivals ‘cause they ain’t cool
And I rewrote the Bible
And I made my own rules.

BRONCOS (-2) over Titans
Mountain home. Oh Mountain home.
Something something about the mountains
Something something about home.
Mountain home. Oh mountain home.

Picking them Games Without Focus

I’ve had a hangover since around noon today. It is currently 10PM. I have ran two miles, umpired two games, drank eleven bottles of water, eaten three meals, crapped twice and gargled my mouth with mouthwash five times today.

And my hangover is still here.

Now, I know that hangovers get worse the less often you consume alcohol. And I also know that hangovers have a way of affecting healthy eaters more than junk-food eaters, but still… this… this is some bullshit right here. I’m not even going out tonight, I feel so bad.

What does this have to do with football? Nothing. I’m just too hungover to think about anything else.

On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

PANTHERS (-4) over Falcons
I wonder what Atlanta fans have been doing on Sundays this year.

Vikings (+6) over PACKERS
I wonder when Brad Childress will make Purple Jesus team captain.

CHIEFS (-3) over Broncos
I wonder why Arrowhead Stadium is so tough to play in.

Bills (-2.5) over DOLPHINS
I wonder who’s starting at QB for the Bills this week.

SAINTS (-11.5) over Rams
I wonder how long until Linehan finally gets the axe.

STEELERS (-9.5) over Browns
I wonder if the Steel has the balls to beat the Pats this year.

TITANS (-4) over Jaguars
I wonder which of these teams will win a game in the playoffs this year.

Eagles (+2.5) over REDSKINS
I wonder what the hell will happen in Philly if they lose this one.

Bengals (+4) over RAVENS
I wonder why any parent would name their boy, Carson.

Lions (+1) over CARDINALS
I wonder if they’ll really win ten games.

Cowboys (-1.5) over GIANTS
I wonder why any sane person would pick the Giants to win this game.

Bears (-3) over RAIDERS
I wonder if the Radiers realize that their fans are more intimidating than their team.

Colts (-3.5) over CHARGERS
I wonder how many times the word “commercial” appears on Peyton Manning’s off-season calendar.

49ers (+10) over SEAHAWKS
I wonder why the Seahawks have such a hard time covering the spread.

I'm going to bed.

Picking them Games in a Movie Quote Minute

Before we get to the picks, it’s time for me to update you on the status of my meatheadedness. I am slowly but surely on my way to becoming meat. In one five week period, I lost six pounds of fat and gained seven pounds of muscle, taking me from 19% body fat to 15% body fat. I was not impressed by this, but the guy who sets my workouts and calibrates my fat was so shocked, he took the reading five or six times. Apparently, I have an impressive genetic background (thanks, Mom and Dad).

Anyway, this week’s picks are all movie quotes. I’m not gonna tell you what movies the quotes are from because there’s no fun in that. If you’re not sure, work it out amongst yourselves. Also, I’m quoting from memory, so there will be a lot of mistakes. Feel free to correct me, too. The internet gurus call this kind of piece “interactive.” I call it “lazy” but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and all that.

On to the picks.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Redskins (-3.5) over JETS
“God hates me, that’s what it is.”

Packers (+2) over CHIEFS
“Hey pal, you can’t take away her house. I mean, she’s old. Look at her. She’s so old.”

BUCCANEERS (-3.5) over Cardinals
“Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn’t end.”

TITANS (-4) over Panthers
“You see kid, all your life people are gonna be telling you about truth. Like they know exactly what it is. Like it’s toilet paper. They got a supply of it in the closet and they can just roll it out whenever they want to. But as you age, you come to realize that there is no truth. All there is, is bullshit. And basically what you do is, you pick your layer. And you say ‘that’s my bullshit. That’s what I do.’”

49ers (+3) over FALCONS
“I mean look at this letter. ‘Dear Hawk, you suck. Eat a bag of shit.’ Not a lot of gray area in that one, sir.”

Jaguars (+3) over SAINTS
“Life is pain, Heiness. Any one who says otherwise is selling something.”

LIONS (-3) over Broncos
“Why be good? I’m always good. Where has being good gotten me?”

BILLS (+1) over Bengals
“This isn’t even a real town. I can’t even buy real drugs here.”

Chargers (-7) over VIKINGS
“You don’t know what you’re doing here. I mean, you don’t know whether to say yes or to say no. Whether to stay or to go.”

Seahawks (+1) over BROWNS
“Nuke’s nervous ‘cause his old man is in the stands. We need a live rooster—was that it, a live rooster?—yeah, we need a live rooster to take the hex of Jose’s glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie and Jimmy for a wedding present. We’re dealing with a lot of shit, here.”

Patriots (-5.5) over COLTS
“These guys were tough. They didn’t wear tattoos and leather jackets, though. They wore scars.”

Texans (+3) over RAIDERS
“Would you please stop masturbating in my mom’s fucking room, you degenerate?”

EAGLES (+3) over Cowboys
“Well he should have armed himself… if he’s gonna decorate his saloon with my friend.”

STEELERS (-9) over Ravens
“Well, even if you are gay, you’re my brother and I love you. Sweet boy.”

Picking them Games with My Groin

Good morning. And by that I mean, I hate everyone right now.

As y’all may or may not know, South Florida lost to Connecticut. As a result of this pathetic display of football, one of their fans decided to forgo writing his football picks on Saturday night and instead went out, got drunk and took home a 22-year-old bottle blond who apparently has no problem sleeping through the noise created by my typing. Which is good. If a chick can’t sleep through the sounds of my typing, odds are the relationship won’t get through the first morning.

But enough about me and the fact that I’m an opportunistic scumbag, let’s get to the picks.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Browns (-3) over RAMS
I received the following very blunt email from one of my readers, who said that I can post it but I must credit him as Big Daddy Long Shoe (I don’t know, either).

“You’ve been talking about how betting on the Patriots is money in the bank. Well, here’s how I’ve been making money all season: betting against the Rams. Tell your dad I’m sorry his team sucks.”

So there you go. In addition to nonsequitors about blowjobs and dietary advice, we also offer a few fiscal lessons here at The Nate Way. I’m like a public service.

BEARS (-5) over Lions
I used to know this girl in grade school. Some days, she wanted me to kiss her and she was so sweet. Other days, she would kick me in the shins and run away. I had no idea what to make of her, but her name was Suzy Tackett. And well, the Bears and Lions are a couple of Suzy Tacketts this year. I have no idea what to make of them, and the minute I think I do, someone threatens my legs.

PANTHERS (+6.5) over Colts
There are four—count ’em: four—items in my home that are technically endorsed by Peyton Manning. I urge everyone of my readers, after watching an afternoon of football today, to check around their homes for items endorsed by Peyton Manning. It’s freaking uncanny. That douche is everywhere.

Giants (-9.5) over Dolphins
This game is being played in London because… seriously, did we ever even figure out why?

TITANS (-7) over Raiders
In an interview with Suzy Kolber, Vince Young’s groin muscle stated that it is ready and willing to fight the big fight, to charge the mountains, gut the enemy and sing the sweet song of groin triumph. I dare say that Young has the most poetic groin in the NFL.

Eagles (+1) over VIKINGS
I don’t know too much about the Vikings, but every time I watch them, I get the idea that their coach doesn’t know who they are either. Maybe they could have some kind of work-related party so they could get to know each other. They could invite the cheerleaders and their groins and maybe make some punch. That sounds like fun.

Steelers (-3.5) over BENGALS
Conversation between Bottle Blond and me.

Blond: You writing a paper?
Me: Sure.
Blond: What’s it on?
Me: Groin muscle poetry.
Blond: Can I use your shower?

And she’s in the shower.

Bills (+3) over JETS
Hey, remember when the Jets were supposed to be good? Preseason is so much fun. It’s like Imagination Land.

Texans (+9) over CHARGERS
You’re not gonna believe this, but Southern California is on fire. Also, it appears to be arson, which means that someone out there is one hardcore anarchist asshole. I mean shit, that’s just evil.

Oh yeah, the game. I just can’t see ole’ Norv Turner focusing extra hard on this one while his complete collection of Holliday Barbies goes up in flames. I don't think any mortal could triumph over such adversity.

BUCS (-3.5) over Jaguars
Secretly, Jon Gruden has to be loving the demise of the South Florida Bulls. Instead of everyone focusing on the team with no kicker (die, Alvarado you fucking masturbating meat cleaver), we can all focus on the team with no running back.

Saints (-2) over 49ERS
Actual conversation I overheard at one of the eleven bars I went to last night:

Some Guy: Dude, did you watch the Breeder’s Cup?
Some Other Guy: Absolutely not. What the fuck is wrong with you? Did I watch the Breeder’s Cup? Are you fucking shitting me? What the hell is your problem, buddy?

Tampa’s not so much a horse town.

PATRIOTS (-16.5) over Redskins
I want to extend one piece of advice to New England fans in Florida:

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

No way do you get seventy degree winters and the right to gloat about the teams from the area you hated enough to leave. If you want to be smug assholes, you really should wait until you're at least five hundred miles from home.

So just remember, you want to gloat, you better be cold. I didn’t move away from the Midwest to come to Florida and deal with New England. And when my back’s to the wall, I will bite (I have really strong teeth).

Packers (+3) over BRONCOS
Bottle Blond, now looking sexy-clean in my University of Arizona workout shorts (a gift from brother Jay, an Arizona alum) and one of my old T-shirts, just turned on Meet the Press in my living room.

Well, she is a poly-sci major.

Enjoy the games, the gambling and the beer. For that, dear readers, is why our groins are even here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I owe someone breakfast.

Picking them Games with Apologies

A couple of apologies and then we’ll make with the game picking.

I’m sorry for being such an adamant asshole about the success of the USF Bulls. I got wrapped up in it and I rammed it down your throats. Thanks for being relatively cool about it, Dear Readers. That was my bad.

Our second apology comes from an email from Stoner Chick, probably the last one I will ever receive. She asked me to cut and paste (and edit) part of it and put it up on the blog and I am doing as I was told.

Dear Readers of The Nate Way:

I am sorry that I can no longer stand to be in the same room as Nathan DeGraaf. I am sorry that I cannot pick the games with him anymore. I want to thank you for being so kind to me over the last two football seasons. I know I’m kind of flaky but you guys were kind enough to welcome me whenever I showed up and for that I am grateful.

What happened between Nathan and I is not important. But basically, I crushed him hard and he did not return my feelings. I was using him as tutor and friend and I wanted to take that further. He did not.

Nathan DeGraaf is a strange person. In my opinion, he is a secret decent human being. He knows he’s a good person deep down inside but he does not want to share that person with the world. And when you find that good person and try to love him, Nathan the Asshole shows up. Personally, I think any shrink would have a field day analyzing him.

Once again, I am sorry that I can no longer help with the football picks. I kindly thank you for being so nice and for helping me realize my potential (I am going to Junior College in January with the hopes of learning more about writing). You’re the best, guys.

And by the way, my real name is Claire (I was named after my Great Aunt who was super awesome). I guess it’s okay for you to know that now, since this is the last you will hear from me.

Hugs and Kisses,
Claire.

Jesus, that was some pop psychology fun, huh? Let’s get to the picks.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

REDSKINS (-8.5) over Cardinals
God it would suck to actually have to watch this game. So, to keep our minds off the suckitude of this upcoming suckfest, I am gonna tell you a great, old joke you can tell your friends. What you do is, raise your left hand up and say to a (same sex) friend of yours, “Why can’t you masturbate with this hand?”

If they ask, “Why?” you then respond with, “”Cause it’s mine you sick bastard.”

It’s usually good for a few laughs.

SAINTS (-8) over Falcons
I will not pick the Falcons to do anything more than lose all year long. They could win out and I will still pick against them. To me, the Falcons play with all the charisma of a busted condom.

BILLS (+3) over Ravens
Isn’t it amazing how long it took the Bills to realize that JP Losman sucks? It reminds me a little of that part in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd sees the old newspaper headline in the bar and runs off screaming, “We landed on the moon!”

Vikings (+9.5) over COWBOYS
The Vikes head coach is handing the ball off to Purple Jesus. Just like God intended.

Patriots (-16) over DOLPHINS
Watching the Patriots this year is a little like being an innocent bystander at a well executed robbery. You don’t really like what’s going on, but at the same time, I mean, you have to acknowledge how well executed that shit is.

GIANTS (-9) over 49ers
There’s nothing funny or interesting about this match up, so I’ll tell you another joke.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Nine Eleven.
Nine Eleven who?
Never forget, asshole. Never forget!

Buccaneers (+2) over LIONS
On a scale of one to ten, the Bucs are a five this year. Meanwhile, on a scale of one to ten, the Lions are inconsistent.

TEXANS (+1) over Titans
Do you think Mario Williams and Reggie Bush ever hang out? If so, I would like a taped transcription of their conversation, which probably goes like this:

Mario: What’s up number two?
Reggie: Fuck you.

RAIDERS (-3) over Chiefs
I refuse to believe that Herm Edwards knows what the hell he’s doing.

BENGALS (-6) over Jets
Toughest game to pick this week. I wouldn’t bet on this with your money.

Okay, maybe with your money.

EAGLES (-5.5) over Bears
Okay, so I’m on this ridiculously harsh diet and every time someone even says Philly or Chicago, I get images of hot steak sandwiches covered in liquid cheese and deep dish pizzas bigger than Pamela Anderson. So it’s hard to really concentrate on this pick. God, I’m hungry.

SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over Rams
The Rams really suck this year. I wonder when Coach Linehan will be fired. I say week 9.

Steelers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
In response to the Steelers new mascot, Steely McBeam, the Broncos have introduced a new mascot of their own: Sucky McSuckass.

‘Cause the Broncos suck this year.

Colts (-3) over JAGUARS
Marketers are currently inventing new ways for Peyton Manning to sell you stuff. I swear I saw him in a Viagra ad the other day. For my money, there isn’t a more popular dork than Peyton Manning. God I hate him.

Last Week: 8-4-1
The Nate Way Overall Record: 35-31-9

Acrostic Game Picking

Good morning. I’m picking the games a little tardy due to scheduling conflicts (vodka and orange juice) and for that I apologize. To help me wake up, I’m drinking green tea. For those of you who are stupid, green tea is not coffee and coffee kicks ass.

After last week, I am less than thrilled about the prospect of getting any of these games right. This weeks picks is all acrostics. Should be fun.

As always, HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Bengals (-3) over CHIEFS
Because I can’t really
Enjoy the prospect of
Negotiating a win for Herm Edwards, I’m
Going with the
Ample offense of the
Lawless and
Soft Bengals.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Texans
Just because the
Awesome Texans have an X in their
Goddamn name, I decided to pick the team from the
United States’ largest city
And am already
Regretting it.
Shoot me now.

BROWNS (-4) over Dolphins
Because
Really now, I mean the Dolphins
Own the
Word Suck.
No word yet on how they
Spell it, though.

BEARS (-4.5) over Vikings
Basically,
Everyone is counting them out.
All right, so they have no offense but
Really, I mean, Devin Hester is
Still Devin Hester.

Eagles (-3.5) over JETS
Easily, the
Alignment of the stars makes it known that
God hates the Jets and
Loves
Everyone else. I blame their leased
Stadium and losing ways.

Rams (+9) over RAVENS
Rams fans can rejoice,
Awful is the nine point spread,
My Dad will waste his time watching this mess
So I wish him good luck.

BUCS (-3) over Titans
Because you see, we
Uh, can’t be that bad. We won some
Close games and yeah... all the teams we’ve beat
Suck. Hopefully that will change.

PACKERS (-3) over Redskins
Please Favre, just put
All that you got into this last season
‘Cause I don’t want to see you
Killing your town with
Easy interceptions again next year.
Really Brett, it’s okay. You’re old.
Say goodbye already.

Panthers (+5.5) over CARDINALS
Picking the Panthers is
An easy decision when
No other team stands a chance against
The child of God at QB.
He who never drinks ages slower, it has been said.
Everyone knows though that the
Reality is partying makes you tough as
Shit.

Patriots (-5.5) over DALLAS
Pissed.
Awesome.
Totally dominate.
Righteous cheaters.
I never pick against the
Only team that scares me
To the point where I hope
Some of their players die.

Raiders (+9.5) over CHARGERS
Raider fans must be
Aware of Norv Turner’s awful coaching,
Insane play calling,
Deadpan sideline face and
Easy demeanor. He
Really
Sucks at coaching.

Saints (+5.5) over SEAHAWKS
Seahawks
Ain’t got their shit together.
In fact, they are
Nothing like last year.
That is a shame for the city of
Seattle. For me it means nothing though so I’m okay.

Giants (-3.5) over FALCONS
Forget the
Awesome play of years passed.
Losers for now and next year,
Can’t get on the same page.
Only Coach Petrino knows the game plan,
No one else on the team knows what to do
So I pick against them again.

Quick Pick

Because I won't have the NFL Game Picks done until after USF beats UCF on their way to an undefeated season, I figured I'd tap this out now.

SOUTH FLORIDA (-11.5) over Central Florida
On a personal note: as someone who has attended a lot of USF games, let me just say that UCF's fans are shit starting assholes who litter our parking lots and start fights just to be dicks and I hope they all cry tears of phosphorous after they lose.

Picking them Games Alone Again

Stoner Chick is not coming today. I called her Thursday and Friday to set this up and she never got back to me. When I woke up this morning I found she had sent me a text message:

Fuck off and die.

Not a lot of room for interpretation in that message.

Now, I could tell you what happened between us to upset Stoner Chick so, but I’m not going to. At least not yet. Just understand that she, like most women, is manipulative and that I, like most men, am distant and aloof. There is nothing that can be done about this. It’s the natural order of things.

Now, here’s a major difference between men and women. In the last two weeks Stoner Chick is 19-7-4 against the spread. I don’t care what kind of emotions or other feely things you’ve got going in your head, you have to protect that record.

I texted SC with that sentiment.

Her response:

Eat a dick.

So here we are. Just you, me and fourteen NFL games.

On to the picks.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Panthers (+3) over SAINTS
I overheard the following conversation between a man and a woman up at the bar last Saturday. The two were working on some kind of pool for their local pub and were trying to figure out whether to take the Bucs or Saints.

Woman: We should take the Saints. They always beat us.
Man: The Saints suck this year.
Woman: I thought they were supposed to be good.
Man: They were supposed to be good.
Woman: Then why aren’t they good?
Man: I don’t know, but they’re not.
Woman: You should know these things.
Man: You should get a job.

And yes, I bought that dude a drink.

Jaguars (-2) over CHIEFS
As an apology to SC, I am picking the Jaguars to cover even though I know they won’t. And while we’re here, I’m not technically sure what I’m apologizing for either, but I’m still doing it. Fucking women.

Lions (+3.5) over REDSKINS
Detroit is just seven wins away from covering those crazy “ten win team” comments that were coming out of the Motor City in preseason and I say good for them.

Because the City of Detroit needs all the help (and air fresheners) it can get.

Falcons (+8) over TITANS
Why not, right?

Right?

Fuck!

TEXANS (-5) over Dolphins
Okay, so since I have nothing to say about this game, let me ask y’all a question. Why is it always the man’s responsibility to call a girl after certain things occur? Why can’t a girl, if she wants to talk to a man, simply call the man? Is it not two thousand and fucking seven? I mean, what was the women’s rights movement for if not to remove the antiquated phone call rules?

Seahawks (+6) over STEELERS
What the hell do the Seahawks have to do to get a little respect from Las Vegas?

PATRIOTS (-16.5) over Browns
Here’s a summary of every post game interview with Tom Brady.

Reporter: Tom, that was a heck of a game. How are you feeling?
Tom: Like everyone’s against me. Like the media and the NFL and the fans all think I’m evil.
Reporter: Do you think you will be able to keep this level of play all season?
Tom: I hope you die a horrible death.

Yeah, the Patriots are focused.

Cardinals (-3.5) over RAMS
Wait a minute. Gus Frerrotte?

Come on, Rams. That name’s not even worth spell checking. Good luck.

GIANTS (-3) over Jets
You see, here’s what I don’t get. Two people go out and they have a good time. Now, does that obligate one person to call the other person in any specific time frame? I mean, what if one person happens to be really busy with work and umpiring and writing and working out and all that? What then? Isn’t the phone a two-way street?

I say it is.

Bucs (+9.5) over COLTS
This is me, once again apologizing to Stoner Chick because she did not receive a phone call from me in a timely manner.

(For those of you new to The Nate Way, Stoner Chick never picks against the Jags or Bucs.)

By the way, the Bucs are 3-1 and leading the incredibly poopy NFC South. How about them red, shiny apples?

BRONCOS (-1) over Chargers
Wouldn’t it be funny if the Chargers staged a mutiny, murdered Norv Turner, then went out and won a football game? I think that would be funny. But I’ve been told my sense of humor is a little sick.

Ravens (-3) over 49ERS
Yawn.

PACKERS (-3) over Bears
I will not make the obligatory Brett Favre “deal with the devil” jokes. Nor will I even attempt to explain this phenomenon. Instead, I will simply watch this rivalry, enjoy the game and maybe barbecue something pork-like.

Cowboys (-10) over BILLS
If I were Tony Romo, I’d post a personal ad that firmly stated that I would not date a girl with more than a 26 inch waist or less than D-cup breasts. I am a man of principle.

South Florida Bulls (-16.5) over FLORIDA ATLANTIC OWLS
When the Bulls finish undefeated this year, it will be their ability to stay focused against scrub teams like this that really stands out. Beating West Virginia at home? I mean, anyone can stay focused for that. But, playing a team on an old high school field in front of six thousand people? That takes focus.

Week 4 Picks with Stoner Chick

Alright, one note on the Bulls and then we’ll get to Stoner Chick and the game picking. It is no secret around this website that I graduated from the University of South Florida and that fellow PIC columnist and blogger Nick Gaudio attends West Virginia University (he will most likely graduate in ’08 from what I understand). And that we’ve been talking a little smack this week. I hope everyone understands that I feel no animosity towards Nick Gaudio, whom I have met and with whom I have consumed alcoholic beverages, ran across random midtown Atlanta statues and been kicked out of a Chicken and Waffle Place. I consider him a friend. A friend whose team just got its asses handed to them by my team. But anyway, this really isn’t about Nick.

This is about a great football team in Tampa that straight up does not get the respect it deserves. It’s a good thing they’re going undefeated this year so people will finally learn their name.

Now, odds are you don’t care about this. And that’s fine, but please understand that South Florida has a great football team named the Bulls. If you’re a fan of college football, all I’m asking you to do is to commit to memory that one of the really good teams in college football is the USF Bulls. They’re located in Tampa, but I’m not expecting you to know that.

The Bulls are not a fluke. And they will be around for a while.

Eventually, maybe they’ll even get a kicker.

Thanks for reading that and not skipping ahead to Stoner Chick.

You skipped ahead to Stoner Chick, didn’t you?

Bastards.

Stoner Chick: Okay, this weeks picks are kind of funky because we wrote it in two parts because I came by a little late to start with the picks and Nate had to go umpire some baseball games so he left me alone with the computer in this disgusting apartment and after a few hours I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to clean.

You know how some people are dirt slobs and other people are clutter slobs? Like, some people just have stuff cluttered everywhere. That’s not Nate. He’s a big fan of space. But he’s a total dirt slob. He doesn’t ever seem to care that his floors, windows, blinds, bathroom and bedroom are covered in an inch of filth.

So anyway, I cleaned his place and then I went up the ballpark to yell at him while he was umpiring but when I yelled at him one of the fans—some older lady—told me that I should be quiet because Nate was their favorite umpire. I will say this for Nate, he is full of surprises. Apparently, everyone loves it when they get him for a game because he is a good umpire and—this was the shocking part—nice and caring. When I heard this, I was like: Nate? Nate DeGraaf? Surely they’ve got the wrong guy. But I guess if it’s sports then he really does care. But when it’s women, then he’s an ass. Some people have fucked priorities.

Anyway, now that I’m done making fun of Nate, it’s time to pick the football games. I spent a great deal of time picking the games so all of the picks are mine, but Nate is gonna do the writing because he said I don’t write as funny as I talk.

Whatever the hell that means.

On to the picks.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Raiders (+4) over DOLPHINS
Actual conversation Stoner Chick had with a lady at the ballpark.

Lady: Is that umpire your boyfriend?
SC: No.
Lady: Just a friend?
SC: Well, I kind of wanted him as a boyfriend for a while but then I realized that we didn’t have anything in common so I just decided to be his friend.
Lady: You know, I know you may think you have nothing in common, but you two would have beautiful children.
SC: I know. God they would be the cutest kids ever.

They then talked for twenty goddamn minutes, completely oblivious to the fact that there was a baseball game going on at the time. Women.

Texans (-2.5) over FALCONS
So I asked Stoner Chick why she felt the Texans had a shot against the Falcons and she responded by informing me that no one in football has less interest in their jobs than the Atlanta Falcons.

She then added, “Except maybe Norv Turner.”

She really does know her football.

Browns (+4) over RAVENS
And so a new age dawned in America. Or rather, an older age was rewritten. An age came to be wherein the Cleveland football team did not suck. But, how long would it last?

Only time will tell. Well, time and Stoner Chick, who says the Browns have a shot at the playoffs this year. Whatever.

LIONS (+3) over Bears
Brian Griese is doing what now?

That can’t be good.

VIKINGS (+2) over Packers
Stoner Chick made this pick because, “Brett Favre loses a lot of his lusciousness in climate controlled areas.”

Doesn’t that make him sound like some kind of wine or fruit or something?

COWBOYS (-13) over Rams
Sorry Dad. Your team sucks this year.

Jets (-3.5) over BILLS
Apparently JP Losman got the boot. This is a step in the right direction, but I don’t know if it’s enough to beat the Jets.

Buccaneers (+3) over PANTHERS
SC never picks against the Bucs or Jags. It’s part of her charm.

Seahawks (-2) over 49ERS
And since there is really nothing to say about this game, please allow me to relay to you another anecdote from Stoner Chick’s awesome life.

Last night, SC was waitressing in a very popular corner of a very popular bar, which was showing the USF/WVU game because, now that the Bulls are good, everyone around here is a fan (which is good; we need more fans, bandwagon or no). One of her patrons had a little too much to drink, and as a result was looking, well, kind of green. So SC leaned in to ask if the dude was okay and he threw up on her tits.

And the worst part?

He only tipped nine percent. I mean, if you’re gonna throw up on a chick’s tits, forty percent is the minimum. Some people have no class.

Steelers (-6) over CARDINALS
And if you think otherwise, you better have a damn good argument or a hot female body. Otherwise, I will not believe you.

Chiefs (+12) over the CHARGERS
For the record, I went the other way on this. But Stoner Chick would not waiver. She even bet me dinner.

Oh, and I decided to start working out again. Also for the record, I quit exercising, after working out for roughly seven years, when I was ordered to stay out of the gym for thirty days by a doctor. That was four years ago. In that time, I managed to lose twenty pounds and more than double my percentage of body fat. So yeah, I’m a lazy shit.

COLTS (-10) over Broncos
I wouldn’t watch this game with your eyes.

Eagles (-3) over GIANTS
Actual sentence stoner chick actually said to me after I finished my last game, today.

“You know, while logic and fluidity were striking out kids for cash, I read the following on the bumper sticker of an old truck: I’m so horny, even the crack of dawn is looking good.”

It really is nice to have her back.

Patriots (-7.5) over BENGALS
Rule number 4 for SC on The Nate Way: No more mentioning how hot Tom Brady is. (Rule number 1 is no writing about rules 2 and 3).

Now if you’ll excuse us, it’s time for me to take the lady to dinner.

Nate’s record (weeks 1 and 2) 13-16-3
SC’s record (week 3) 10-2-4
The Nate Way Overall Record: 23-18-7

Stoner Chick Picks Alone

Due to work related situations beyond my control (i.e., I have to spend the weekend in seminars), I will not be able to write my picks this week. Fortunately for you though, I did have the following conversation with Stoner Chick:

Me: I don’t have time to do the football picks this week.
Stoner Chick: So what?
Me: Will you write them? Just email them to me and I’ll edit them.
SC: Say please.
Me: Please.
SC: Okay, but I get the introduction too.
Me: Fine.

At least she’s finally talking to me again.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaWeek 3: Picks of the Stoner Chick

Hey everybody. You’ll be happy to know that I got a job. Actually, it’s three jobs. I am working as—big surprise—a bar waitress in three different parts of Tampa Bay. After all, what better way is there for a single young lady to make money than by slapping on a pair of ass-flaunting shorts, throwing on a tight, dolly T-shirt and flirting with every beer-buying asshole in two counties? And before you judge me or make fun of me for it, let me tell you that if you can think of a way for me to make $40 an hour starting tomorrow with my education and training—without getting naked—then please make the suggest