The Investor's Coroner: Everything Sucks

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Welcome back to The Investor’s Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously dropping in jokes from the free throw line of life.

It is a goal of The Investor’s Coroner to help you understand just what’s going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you’ll learn why you do not deserve liquidity.


Everything is Too Expensive
You name the foodstuff and it’s way more expensive than it should be. Those few stocks that have had success are either linked to the high cost of commodities like oil, metals, and every food in the whole world or have a very strong hold in emerging international markets. Because the dollar was so weak, America was exporting quite a bit of goods. That is, until last month when, for the first time in a long time, imports and exports both fell. This is not good. It means that the American consumer is not buying like it used to or selling to take advantage of the weak dollar. For those of you scoring at home, this is what we in the financial world call, a “problem” (we’re not very creative in the financial world).

As I type this now, the market is in what we call a distribution day, which means more investors are selling than buying. As a result, the overall indices appear in decline and prices at the grocery stores will be increasing. Which kind of sucks.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you the good news but there just ain’t much. Speculators don’t think that oil prices will stabilize as high as they are so oil stocks aren’t jumping off. Gains made from internationally minded companies like Priceline and Yum Inc have already been accounted for. I mean, had you invested in them last week you’d be great but they probably aren’t increasing any time soon.

Oh, wait. I forgot about the financial sector.

Shit not as Shitty as Initially Thought
Market writers (real ones, not bums like me) love to point out that the market looks forward and that the subprime collapse has already been “priced in” (I have no idea what that means). So even though Sallie Mae, Fannie Mae, Citigroup, Merrill Lynch, JP Morgan et al posted huge losses and are sucking off the government teat like a crack-addicted single parent, their stocks actually went up because things weren’t as bad as expected. And if you think that’s ironic, well you’ll probably find more irony in the next paragraph.

Ninety percent of market analysts work at firms that lost their shirts in the mortgage collapse. And what these guys and girls say actually influences stock prices. Which is to say that these dudes think they can predict the future of the market when they couldn’t predict their own future. Which is to say that the whole market analysis game is inherently flawed. Which essentially means that everyone is wrong and no one is to be trusted.

I should have been a lawyer.

Microsoft and Yahoo Need to Just Bone and Get it Over With
And I thought my relationships were fucked up. Microsoft upped its bid to buy Yahoo and Yahoo told them to go to hell. In the end it was only about three billion bucks that kept Yahoo from joining Microsoft’s quest to defeat Google, which incidentally had a successful trial run with Yahoo this week. The whole thing is enough to drive a Yahoo shareholder to drink. I mean, what’s three billion dollars among bitter rivals anyway?

Countrywide Got Dumped
Bank of America, which was using an assload of government money to purchase Countrywide Mortgage and save its sorry excuse for a company, has decided that they just don’t see the advantages of buying a bankrupt, worthless company. On a related note, life is a lot better when you have a lot of money.

Circuit City Sucks
Circuit City, an overpriced retail store that doesn’t pay its salesmen commission, thus guaranteeing that they could give two shits about talking to you, recently revealed that it will open its books to any company willing to purchase the aging retailer. The internet is apparently doing more than crawling up Buzz Bissinger’s ass. It’s also affecting retailers who can’t get with the times.

New Innovations Sexier When Drunk
Cornell Labs has designed technology that may make it possible for ships to know where all whales are ten miles away from them. I had no idea that whales were too stupid to avoid big ships. You learn something new everyday.

Flogo, short for flying logo, is a way to advertise in the air with foam shapes or something, which indicates, to me anyway, that soon we’ll be genetically modifying animals so that they grow Nike swooshes on their hides. What a time to be alive.

Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Aaaaa—Martin Luther King, Jr.

Help Out the Old Hood

During one half year of my life, I volunteered to help latchkey kids learn to read at a local church for a program called Kids' Place. The program, invented by my minister mother and run by wide-eyed college students with dreams of changing the world one person at a time, does a great job teaching children how to interact, how to be better at school and how not to fall into the pit of desperation and despair that impoverished children with drug addicted, absentee parents often fall into. It’s a cool program.

Of the seventeen volunteers there, I was one of three men. One was an octogenarian named Ollie who was of the generation that believed in community spirit. The other was a kid who grew up in the city and went through the Kids' Place program and therefore saw its validity and importance. The other was me, a half-drunk unemployed kid fresh out of college who was having trouble filling the hours. Men, as a rule, are not big volunteerers (I just made that word up). So the kids responded to us more than the women. They see female authority figures everywhere. They barely see men anywhere.

Now I ain’t the kind of guy who’s big on saving lives and helping people but well, I think it’s kind of asshole-ish to disrespect those who do. And most charities and not for profit organizations are full of crap. They only have to (by law) spend sixty percent of their profits helping people and can spend the rest on company cars, bonuses and what not. The Red Cross, for example, is a resource-wasting communist organization that throws excessive money at its executives. It is very rare that any organization, even those who tout being not for profit, are actually not for profit.

Kids' Place is.

Every dime they make goes to those kids. Every helper with the exception of the program director is a volunteer (note: I have been informed they can now afford to pay a few teachers as well). When they have extra money, the kids eat better food, get better books, etc. This is a program run in one community by members of that community for the overall benefit of said community.

Now, why am I bugging you with this?

Well, for a little over a year now, I have been donating to Kid’s Place. But my current financial situation prohibits me from tossing money at needy children, which kind of sucks.

But hopefully you’re doing better than that.

Because I cannot afford to donate to Kids' Place, I am asking you to. You can call them at 314-863-8055 or you can email them at donate@kidsplace-stl.org. You can do it because you read me for free and you want to pay me back, you can do it for my mother because she fought a male-oriented system for the right to help people, you can do it to help out the poorest kids of University City or you can do it for no reason whatsoever.

I don’t really care why you do it just so long as you do.

And because I want you to get something out of this, here’s what I promise you: Every one of you who donates $25 or more and mentions either my name or the name of this site will receive an autographed picture of me (or if you want, an autographed picture of my naked ass).

I thank you in advance for being an awesome group of people.

The Snippets Cut Out the Ice Cream

Dave: So how you handling the breakup?
Me: I’m good. Gets easier every day and all that.
Dave: Yeah, you’ll bounce back. It’s not like you have all that many feelings.
Me: I do have some.
Dave: Yeah, but you sound like you just found that out.
Me: You’re… you’re probably right.

Jamie: You look good.
Me: Yeah, I’ve got no car so I’ve been walking a lot lately, getting some sun and all that. And the girl bailed so I have no ride and I’ve been kicking it back up in the gym.
Jamie: Well that’s cool. Way to turn a negative into a positive.
Me: They can take my car and they can take my girl but they can’t take my abs.
Jamie: Or your butt.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Jamie: Your abs suck compared to your butt.
Me: So, I should target the abs more?
Jamie: What do I care? I just like looking at your butt.
Me: Your husband is a lucky guy, you know that?
Jamie: I do. And most importantly, so does he.
Me: Make sure to tell him how jealous I am.
Jamie: Make sure to keep up with the squats.
Me: You’re the best, Jamie.
Jamie: You’re damn right.

James: How’s your girlfriend?
Me: We broke up.
James: That sucks man. She’s hot.
Me: Thanks James.
James: So what happened?
Me: What the fuck do you care?
James: I’m a caring person, Nate.
Me: Funny, I never noticed.
James: It’s not that funny.

Tony: I been thinking about opening up an ice cream shop.
Bay: I been thinking about eating an ice cream bar.
Me: My thoughts have nothing to do with ice cream at this time.
Tony: Well then, feel free to leave.
Bay: Oh and dude, bring us back some ice cream…

Tim: So why’d y’all break up?
Me: I’m not really sure.
Tim: How’s that?
Me: Well, she has her reasons but she didn’t really figure them out until after the break up and I have what I think are the real reasons but she denies them but then again, she probably should, because they’re pretty selfish reasons but in the end—
Tim: Dude, forget I asked.

Erica: And how’s the girlfriend?
Me: We broke up.
Erica: Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Me: Why is everyone so sure about that?
Erica: Listen to you. Like it’s so hard being good looking and charming. Why do you think? Come on, I’m sure you’re vainer than that.
Me: You’re right. I am.
Erica: There’s that cocky, lopsided smile. You’ll be yourself again in two, three weeks tops. Right back to sleeping with random women and forgetting their names, just like the Nate we all know and love.
Me: What’s sad is, I think this conversation is actually helping.

Bonus Post: Email

It's not every day you get fan mail like this. And I figured I'd share.

As you by now are well aware of, you are fortunate enough not to have your head shoved up your ass. I'd put that in the win column, but you don't seem like the type of person who likes to be told what to do, so do with it what you will. You seem to view the world quite rationally and logically, and for this you will be ostracized.

Trust me, I speak from experience. I guarantee without knowing you that people know you're different almost immediately, and this will generally scare the shit out of them. Though by the same experience I must note that 9 times out of 10 when someone tells you to trust them it is primarily because you shouldn't. You seem like the type of person who pretends to be apathetic as a coping mechanism for how helpless you feel against this aggravating world and the perpetuating cycle of destruction that we call civilization. **Side note - I actually quite enjoy your work and perspective on life. I won't bury you in compliments; you're ego seems quite healthy as it is, as it should be.**

The point of this ramble is as much as you might or might not care, I wanted to tell you that you're right. Not about everything, but about enough to see the world as it is. Only the mediocre are always at their best, which is why you are doomed. You are a lot of things, but mediocre is not one of them. The world will view you as a failure if only as a reflection on your own unattainable expectations for yourself and for society. But on the bright side, all great art comes from powerful emotions, and the pain your lucidity will bring should make for an interesting perspective at the very least . So don't give up, damn the man, and just because the numbers are not in your favor does not make them right.

Salo

I think this is a compliment. But I can't be sure.

Acrostic for some Swiss Doctor

I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only by a change in our world view. We shall have to shift from the materialistic, dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a new consciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate nature and all of creation.

aaaaa--Albert Hofmann (January 11, 1906 – April 29, 2008)


Look.
You can feel the
Synergy and see the
Energy.
Reality is an everchanging,
Growing presence.
Inside this mind we
Can mend the simplicity.

All we ever asked for was one
Creation, one vision, one
Idea to keep us moving forward.
Didn’t happen.

Did they teach us to feel?
Is it their reality and we’re not allowed to look for the truth?
Everyone is in on this, aren’t
They?
Hatred doesn’t make sense.
Yet anger feels good.
Love is
A simple emotion rendered
Mind numbingly frustrating by the
Insane standards of our race.
Dr. Hofmann didn’t mean to affect us. Sometimes
Evolution is more mechanical than organic.