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Why is it during a bar fight that all the guys involved find it
necessary to alert all the chicks in the room as if their life's
safety depended on it? "All women and children please disregard the
display of masculine insecurity to your left. Several punches will
be thrown and we're all secretly hoping that someone's going to get
a bloody nose. Just stay in your seats, enjoy your drinks we'll be
right back." Then they all go outside and flip a coin to see who's
going to come back a winner and who's going to go home pretending to
have gotten the shit kicked out of them. That's why I think chick's
views are always blocked from the actually punches.
But I'm not going to lie, watching
guys lose their temper and begin to throw punches is super hot.
Especially when they sweat and take off their shirts and are all
sweaty. Except when it's one of those white trash fights where the
guys take off their shirts and big bling-bling jewelry pops out from
their pasty white necks. And they're so skinny but their pants look
like they could house the Russian Circus and five medium-sized
Vietnamese children. Just save it for the Springer Show. If I wanted
to watch white trash and their entire entourage fight, I'll just pop
in my 8 Mile DVD and watch Eminem get the shit kicked out of him
while attempting to freestyle.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Sometime I'd like to see
a rumble between two frats be choreographed like it was in West Side
Story. "When you're a PIKE you're a PIKE all the way from you're
first shotgunned beer 'til you're graduation day! Be Coooool Real
Coooool." While snapping their fingers in four equal rows, all
shifting their weight to the left foot.
Shuffle to the right, shimmy to the
right, ring around the rosie, ashes, ashes, they all fall down.
Curtain.
Okay maybe I'm the only person that'd ever like to see that or would
ever buy the
soundtrack.
There's a new freshman on our campus who is a total meathead. You
know Joe College? Let me introduce you to Joe Meathead. He likes to
start shit with everyone. EVERYONE! His new buddies, his old
buddies, his drinking buddies, sophomores, juniors, seniors, chicks,
bouncers, elementary school children, newborns, pregnant women. The
guy doesn't discriminate, he just enjoys picking fights, sober or
drunk. And he's just a huge set of guns on his arms, which makes him
slightly menacing, but then he has a feminine face like William
Defoe dressed in drag during Boondock Saints. So the
scariness factor...yeah, not so much.
One night, the kid started talking smack to everyone, even me. This
was exactly how the conversation with him went.
Me: Hey turn that song back
on! We were listening to that.
Meathead: Shut the fuck up. I'll play whatever the fuck I
want.
Me: That's great but you're not the fucking DJ just replay
the goddamn song.
Meathead: Calm the fuck down and get the fuck out of my
house.
Me: This is a frat house. You're a freshman. You don't live
here. You live in the ghetto freshman dorm with your gay stuffed
animals now move I'm putting the song back on.
Meathead: Don't you fucking touch the playlist.
Me: Or what, you're going to hit me?
Meathead: No I don't touch girls.
Me: Oh so you only touch guys? I'm down with that—
Meathead: No I don't fucking touch guys!
Me: No, no, no it's cool I won't say anything 'til you're
ready.
Meathead: Ready for what?
Me: To come out of the closet. Secret's safe with me spanky.
I promise.
Meathead: You don't want to start anything with me you son of
a bitch. I'll kick your ass so bad.....
That's when I walked away and told on him. I wish I could say it
ended there, but it didn't. Somehow he was able to get into the bars
and started trying to fight with everyone there. It was so funny
watching him walk up to one guy who wasn't even looking or talking
to him and say, "Hey you want to fight me?" They guy looks at him
and says, "You may be able to kick my ass, but after you do that
there will the 20 guys behind you that got my back and will wail on
your ass as soon as you're through with me." And still he wanted to
fight.
Joe Meathead is the guy on campus who even likes to start fights
with Canadians. Our peaceful, loving neighbors of the North. What
kind of sick fuck does THAT? All that meat, and no room for a brain.
That's not to say chicks aren't equally as crazy when they start
shit. Have you ever seen a chick fight in a bar? It's rare, but when
it does happen get the fuck out of the way. It's always the crazy
chick who just snorted cocaine in the bathroom and comes out ready
to break a bottle of Bud Light on another chick's head. And the
fight is always over the Eminem-looking fucker in the corner who's
freestyling into his cell phone.
Would I ever fight a girl? Fuck no. The one time in seventh grade I
actually attempted to fight a girl (over a hair clip she stole from
me, might I add) I got my ass kicked. I went to bitch slap her, but
she ducked and punched me in the head and I went down, fast. Keep
the three dollar scrunchie woman! I'll buy another one at Claire's
Accessories this weekend. Oh, and while I'm down here on the
concrete, how much do you charge for protection? You see, I'm gonna
know this meathead in about 8 years and he's going to try to take
the Black Eyed Peas off of a playlist—maybe we can work out a
payment plan when my concussion's gone.
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