How are you? Just kidding.

Let's cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.

Oh, hello, I'm a dentist. Read More »

"Life is Wonderful"
By Ron Jeremy

Hello, hello! I understand you are going through a rough time right now. And you will go through many rough times in the future, I'm sure. I've been through rough times, too. I know how to get through them. Read More »

Hey black people. What up?

Listen, I'm at my wit's end here. Please, I'm begging you, stay out of my dreams and nightmares. I've asked you time and time again, but for some reason you will not listen. I've gone up to some of you on the street and asked you sternly to exit my dreams immediately. And to make it snappy. I told you to pass the word on to the rest of your black brethren. Read More »

As I was walking through the University Center today, I walked past two strollers, unguarded, outside of the university store.

I thought to myself...I could steal those babies.

I could steal those babies and we could go play in the sunshine and dance together and have a picnic and make fun of each other and all the other things friends do (...right?). Read More »

We thought he was! We totally thought the guy who burst into the bank with a loaded gun and yelled "EVERYBODY ON THE FUCKING GROUND OR I'LL SHOOT" was joking. But if he insists on one thing, it's that he's not. And "MORE MONEY FASTER FASTER FASTER, BITCH." Read More »

Hey, remember a couple steps back when that homeless guy held out his cup and asked us for change, and you spit your chewing tobacco into it? Read More »

Somebody pinch me, I feel like I'm dreaming! And preferably pinch me in the penis! And preferably one of the waitresses. And with your tongue. Don't walk away! I haven't ordered yet. Read More »

"To condom or not to condom? That is the question." These words from a great philosopher set off a never-ending debate about the usage of condoms which continues to this day. What's little known, however, is that this philosopher didn't just ask questions, he then answered them. And the answer to the condom question was "not to condom." So should you wear a condom? Read More »

Lord Glaxnor beckoned me. He summoned me for a great quest.

What mischievous yet necessary plan had the Great Lord Glaxnor thought of this time?

Two words: The elimination of all old and elderly persons from the planet, specifically those over 50. Read More »

This is what I was born to do. I feel it. It's my passion. It's the greatest thing in the world to me. It's my religion, and I'm the God.

Janitoring flows through my veins like dirty mop water.

My father was a janitor, y'see. And his father before him, too. It's the great family tradition, passed down from Man to Man. And I must carry it on. I want to carry it on. Read More »