A lot of rabid Mooseheads out there assume that because I spend a great deal of time watching movies that prominently feature exploding-headed Nazi zombies and topless vampire prostitutes that I, their favorite columnist, may in fact be "Mr. Halloween" himself. Read More »

De Palma ripping off Hitchcock was bad enough, but now an even greater cinematic sin has been committed. That's right folks, the guy who's directing Aliens in the Attic is stealing from the guy who directed Ghoulies. Read More »

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, look what you've done. I'm out of the picture for a year or so and you run off and start making ABC Family original movies?! What were you thinking!? And for that matter what were THEY thinking? Read More »

Okay you wisenheimers, I wasn't asking you, "Should Nick Moose reproduce?" This isn't a poll. I will thank you not to post responses like "No" or, "Certainly not if he's planning on using my ovaries."

What I meant was more like, "What kind of a dad do you suppose he would be, should Nick Moose reproduce?" Read More »

Did you know that the word on the street is that some folks don't think of me as a "topical" columnist?

Well I take great offense to this. After all, "topical" has two meanings people. One needs only to glance at its Wikipedia entry. Its medical definition, to paraphrase, is "something that's applied to body surfaces such as the vagina." (Which, I swear to god, I have been.) Read More »

Every man needs to sit through a "date movie" every now and again.  Of course when I say "date movie" I certainly don't mean the movie Date Movie itself, or Dance Movie, or Scary Movie, or any move with the word "movie" in the title or that may possibly feature any number of Wayans Brothers. Read More »

I know you must be worried—it's been about 14 hundred months now and there's been nary a peep from yours truly, celebrated and sexually attractive columnist, Nicholas Kabat Moose.You're probably saying, "What the FUCK! Read More »

Welcome, freshmen!

Yes, I know that's the name of an abysmal early 90's Nickelodeon show, but you couldn't possibly, because most of you just got done being fetuses when it was on. But that's okay! You didn't miss much. (If anything you should be more upset about missing out on Hey Dude!, which featured a young Christine Taylor. Yum!) Read More »

The term dork actually means whale penis, and though I do have a whale penis, I don't consider myself to be dork.

But that doesn't stop me from being a dork sympathizer, and yes, a comic book fan. Read More »

Okay, I confess, I watched The American Mall, but I didn't enjoy myself. Read More »

Way the hell back a long time ago, a lot of people never even thought about having sex with their video game systems (and by "a lot of people" I most certainly don't mean me. Just ask my strangely moist Atari 2600). Read More »

As college-ish age types, many of you have your rituals to kick off the weekend. Some of mine used to include tossing exploding bottles filled with urine off of balconies, or dressing up in my gorilla costume, but now I'm a working stiff. Read More »

The other day, in spite of the fact that I am 25, I attended the Cleveland Ohio installment of the Vans Warped Tour yet again, mainly for the same reason I still go to college: it's still there, I still don't have a real job, and I love having wet girls land on top of me. Read More »

Followers of my musings, or as I prefer, "Moose-ings," are well aware that Lindsay Lohan and I are no longer an item. She's into what she claims are girls now, and as the old idiom that really isn't old ‘cause I just made it up goes, "Vaginas don't just grow on mes" (mes as in me, only plural instead of trees...oh you get it). Read More »

I know what you're thinking folks: "Isn't just reading a Nick Moose brand column reward enough?  Do you really feel it's necessary to have to throw in prizes to sweeten the deal?" But here at Nick Moose® we pride ourselves not only in bringing you Nick Moose's view a good 15% more accurately than any other column, but also in our ridiculously unnecessary over-the-top promotional gim Read More »