>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
June 5, 2005

McDonald’s is delicious. Go fuck yourself.

I’m really sick of all the negative press McDonald’s has gotten over the past year. First of all, the food is fantastic. Oh, where do you eat? Wendy’s? Please. You know what, just stop reading my column now and go stand in line for “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” you wuss.

Let me clear up a few myths about my friends at the Golden Arches.

1. McDonald’s does not cause obesity. You know what causes obesity? Fat people. It’s the chicken and the egg. You probably know a couple of fat people. How many of them don’t exercise regularly? How many of them always suggest renting a movie as a summertime activity? All of them. Fat people are fat for a reason. They are lazy and should be skinned alive so us folks of moderate weight can wear their skin and stay warm in the winter.

2. McDonald’s is delicious. I hate when people tell me McDonald’s is gross. Are you kidding? It’s amazing. Chicken Nuggets? Mac sauce? Mmmmmm. It’s so good. And who cares if it gives you blazing diarrhea and birth defects even if your a man who isn’t pregnant? Good is good, and you can’t argue with good.

3. McDonald’s does not cause sexual side effects. You know what causes sexual side effects? Ugly chicks. In that movie “Super Size Me,” that Stanley Sprocket boxer stain claims he can’t get it up. Well, the only girls he’s trying to ball are ugly. So, yeah, maybe there’s your solution. Let’s solve ugliness before we feed McDonald’s to the wolves. (Editor’s Note: Justin hasn’t actually seen “Super Size Me.” What he does is hear about a movie, assume he knows what it’s all about, and criticize it from there. If you don’t like it, take off.)

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4. Ronald McDonald does not molest children. Not a very popular rumor, but I’m trying to stop it before it gets out.

Now, with all that said, Mickey D’s is not perfect, so I’ve got some solutions:

1. Bring back super sizing. This sucks. I used to love super sizing my meal. $.39 to make my meal diesel? Where do I sign? But oh no, fatasses bitched because they were fat and I have to suffer. I hate fat people, but not as much as I hate….

2. Foreigners behind the counter. Is it just me or does every McDonald’s have an assigned ethnicity for each location? Near my house, we have two McDonald’s: the Asian one and the Puerto Rican one. Isn’t this segregation? In Burger King, they have like 12 different kinds of races working together and nobody says a word to each other. Good, don’t need them plotting an uprising against the white man. Well done, Burger King.

3. Happy Meal toys need to be improved. I still have a Happy Meal toy from when I was 5: Garfield on a skateboard. That was the dopest toy ever. The other day I noticed the new Happy Meal toy is an Army man covered in a used condom. Where’s the fun in that? No fun.

4. My idea is for everyone going into McDonald’s to stand on a scale. If you’re at a weight where you can legitimately be referred to as a “fat fuck”, you’re not allowed in. Make McDonald’s special and cool for special and cool people like myself.

Yeah, that’s right.

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