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"Where Dreams are Crushed for Fun and Profit"
Now Playing: "Hole in the Head" by Sugababes
If there is one thing Text-Heavy is about, it's expressing the
author's irrational love for and fixation with Arbor Day. If there
are two things Text-Heavy is about, then the second is tradition.
Yes, we here at Text-Heavy are proud of our traditions, many of them
dating back 1, even 0 years. It is in that spirit that we proudly
present you with our annual guide to summer jobs, in convenient
online newsletter format. So, without further ado (if there are
three things Text-Heavy is about, the third is a strong dislike for
ados), here's what happened:
-The classified ads in your local
newspaper are a great place to begin your job search, unless of
course you are looking for a job to which you could conceivably be
hired. You should know that all the good jobs in the world have been
filled either through nepotism or by people who are qualified simply
by virtue of not being you. Therefore, the only jobs the classifieds
advertise are "Carpenter with Minimum 15 Years Experience" and
"Escort." And if you're anything like me, you've got a better shot
at the carpenter job. You can fake experience, but you can't fake
cosmetic surgery.
-There is one other job advertised in the classifieds, and that is a
job in telemarketing. Although this job is ludicrously easy to get,
to the point where they'll hire ex-convicts and criminals who are
still incarcerated, you should avoid this job at all costs for two
reasons. First, you get paid on commission. Nobody in the history of
the universe has ever bought anything from a telemarketer, so your
paycheque could just as well be made out of construction paper,
elbow macaroni and paste, validity-wise. Second, if you call my
house, and I find out you're doing it because you read this column,
I will personally saw your balls off. (If you are a girl, I will saw
your boyfriend's balls off, because I in no way condone violence
against women.)
-After you dismiss the newspaper as a potential job resource, and
believe me you will, it's time to turn to the Internet. Yes, the
Internet has changed not only the way we pirate music and snuff
films, but also the way students find summer jobs. In the past few
years, many job-hunting websites have sprung up with
easy-to-remember, catchy names such as "Monster," "Workopolis,"
"WorkopolisCampus," "OnlineJobShop," "FindAJobOnline316,"
"MonstersBallWithHalleBerryNaked,"
"MoreJobsThanMonsterAndWorkopolisCombined," etc. These websites,
provided you are Rain Man and can remember the URL, are an excellent
resource for college students to connect with employers who want to
hire YOU. The best part about these websites is that, due to the
global nature of the Internet, you will be able to search through
jobs in Topeka, Kansas and then whack yourself in the head and cry
out "I wish I lived in Topeka, because this job would be PERFECT."
Then head to the emergency room, because you were holding a fork
when you whacked yourself. My God you're stupid.
-At this point, you've already failed at finding a job through
nepotism, finding a job using the newspaper, finding a job using the
Internet, and applying for welfare. You probably feel like a big old
failure, don't you? Well don't fret! You're not a worthless waste of
life quite yet. Chances are, your school has a co-op program,
wherein, for a mere half of what you pay in tuition, they will help
you find a job for the summer fetching coffee and photocopying,
possibly in Topeka, Kansas. Yes, that's right: You are expected to
PAY MONEY, in the order of hundreds or thousands of dollars, for the
right to work. It's like Soviet Russia but without the funny hats
and monuments. But wait, it gets better: Supposing you pay this
ludicrous tribute to King University, they still WON'T GUARANTEE
THEY'LL FIND YOU A JOB! In fact, on average, only half of the
suckers who pay for the co-op program find work at all! There, NOW
you're a worthless waste of life.
-Once you get talked down from the ledge with promises of candy and
funny stories, your next step will be to hand out resumes in person.
Of course, before you can hand out a resume, you must write up a
resume. There are countless books, websites and experts who can give
you advice on how to write a resume, and every single one of them is
wrong. A lot of this bad advice contradicts a lot of other bad
advice, so it is very difficult to know what the right way to write
a resume is. Therefore, here is a list of resume DO's and DON'Ts: DO
use correct spelling and grammar, unless you are applying to work at
Blockbuster Video or Tower Records. DON'T include an objective
statement that implies your life's goal involves Wendy's. DO list
skills like punctual, dependable and honest, provided you look these
words up first. DON'T make up any volunteer work, community service
or previous job experience, unless it's really unverifiable. DO list
every award you've ever received in your entire life, dating back to
that second-place finish in the 3rd grade spelling bee. Potential
employers really care. Honest.
-Before you can begin handing out resumes, you will also need a
cover letter. This is a letter that you staple to your resume, to
prove to potential employers that you really want to work for THEM
and you're not just in it for the money. As you can see, the cover
letter is just an exercise in how well you can lie. Apparently,
you're not supposed to make a generic cover letter. Instead,
employers prefer that you tailor your cover letter to their
particular store/restaurant/office/place of worship. Nobody has ever
done this, however, which is why nearly all cover letters include
vague language that nobody understands, such as "heretofore." One
trick is to write up a generic cover letter, but then include the
employer's name in strategic places, so you can easily cut and
paste, as in: "This is one of the many reasons I would be a good
candidate for a job at WAL-MART." See? You can replace Wal-Mart with
anything! Costco, Crazy Achmed's Discount Lingerie and Piano Repair,
you name it! Just be sure you don't hand in the wrong cover letter
to the wrong place, especially if you mention your attention to
detail.
-Quote of the Moment: A lot of
people write objective statements on their resumes. These are short
sentences that explain, in a nutshell, why you would be a good fit
for the job. Take my friend's objective statement, for instance,
when he applied to work at McDonald's for the summer: "I want to
make enough money to pay tuition so I'll never have to work at
McDonald's again." Naturally, he got the job, which means either
honesty pays or nobody reads those damn objective statements. I'm
going to put "Hail Satan" in mine just to test.
-So now you have a resume and cover letter filled with hate and lies
(and just a touch of cinnamon), so it's time to start handing them
out. Where should you go? What should you say? And just what in the
heck did I mean when I said "cinnamon"? The answers are: Everywhere,
"I'd like to apply for a job," and nobody really knows but it's
probably dirty. Like the Milkshake song.
-They say you can expect to receive one interview for every 20
resumes you give out. This may be true, except you can bet your ass
that most of those resumes are never finding their way to the store
manager (or overlord). The vast majority of the resumes you give out
are kept by bottom-rung employees, who take them home and laugh at
your pathetic "accomplishments" before they have sex with your
girlfriend in the pimped-out Honda Civic their parents bought them
for graduation while all you got was a monogrammed pen. Just like in
that dream I keep having.
-The interview is the final step on your way to summer-jobdom. Here
you will meet with a supervisor who's younger than you and has a
name like "Skip." He will ask you a number of serious and
thought-provoking questions, such as your name and why your resume
says "Hail Satan." Under no circumstances should you ever tell Skip
that you are looking for a summer job. In fact, don't even tell him
you're in school. Skip hates hiring temporary employees, because it
takes time and money to train them and also Skip is an asshole. Just
pretend you want to be a lifer, and hope to God he doesn't notice
that you get an involuntary twitch whenever you fib. If Skip says
he'll call you when he's made a decision, it means he is a lying
asshole and you'll never hear from him again. Skip never even
learned to use a telephone, and instead communicates through a
complex series of smoke signals, tin cans and yarn. If Skip likes
you, he'll hire you on the spot and you can run home and tell your
mom, or, if your mom is deceased, your legal guardian. Otherwise,
fear not: You can always make a living writing an online comedy
newsletter. Just kidding.
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