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People. Let’s get serious for a moment. I am not kidding when I say
that I would sell my entire family into white slavery to be one of
The Girls Next Door (I even happen to share my name with a Playmate
from the sixties). Oh, the pink bedrooms, slumber parties, arts,
crafts, gifts, lavish meals, papered vacations, celebrity visitors.
Slap some circus titties on me and point me towards the mansion! Who
cares if I have to sit on Hef’s shriveled vanilla tootsie roll once
a month. (Can he still get a boner? Really? Do they tie a stick to
it like a weak tree?) Sure, between jumping on trampolines and
decorating Easter eggs I may have to change an adult diaper or two.
It’s a small price to pay.
In case
you hate TV, the color pink, sparkly things, and joy, you may be unaware of
the The Girls Next Door, a heavenly program about the lives of Hugh
Hefner’s “girlfriends.” Viewers of this splendid series, now in it’s third
season, are still milling over similar questions concerning the suspicious
nature of their lifestyles; I will attempt to answer these questions using my
wise theories based on nothing.
Who really sits on the old buzzard’s weenus?
We’ve all heard them in interviews, trained like big breasted parrots to say,
“We do everything people in normal relationships do.” Lies! Holly crawls on top
of that old corpse, but it is my belief that the others do not. Have you ever
seen the others give Hef anything more than an insincere “honey” and an awkward
peck with him pursing his lips extra tightly so his teeth don’t fall out? If
brief kiss and a term of endearment are a great effort, there is no way the
girls are receiving
shriveled, decaying pole.
"I love Holly and Bridget. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve
actually dreamt I was friends with them." And another thing, Kendra is a
retard. An ever-loving birdbrain. I’ve seen her take off her helmet
between interviews. It is not right for a responsible adult to stick
it in a mentally challenged individual—unless they’re
unconscious, then it’s romantic.
Furthermore, have you ever seen those girls act even the tiniest bit
lezzie with each other? No. Holly and Bridget act like sisters and they both
detest Kendra but keep it secret, as not to upset His Hefiness.
Another characteristic of people who aren’t getting any is how they overuse
sexual innuendos like middle school aged boys who have never seen a poonie.
Except for mine, when I flash it in the quad for spare change and a round of
applause. God I’m so lonely.
 Does
Hef’s scrotum drag on the ground?
Sometimes I forget how extremely old 80 really is. I have seen a
nude 80-year-old female relative in the flesh. Too much flesh. Things
drooping that shouldn’t. Elbows, knuckles, areola. As the flesh satchel spoke to
me I played dead like a possum in hopes that it would flee and I could retain my
innocence. I have also heard my mother talk in great detail about how my
father’s balls hang so low it’s uncomfortable—and he’s only 55. So I’m
going to say if Hef hasn’t had any scrotal work, then they hit about mid thigh.
I’m sure Holly has bruises in the back of her knees (sickening).
Why is Kendra there?
I love Holly and Bridget. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve actually dreamt I
was friends with them. We were skipping on the lawn in our matching pink track
suits, giggling with delight. Then I awoke to find it was all a dream and found
it hard to get through the rest of my day.
But Kendra, come on now. She’s an obnoxious hood rat who’s messy, and it
looks like her room smells. The girlfriends were narrowed from seven to three,
and she somehow made the cut? I have decided that, since she is in
excellent shape, Hef keeps her around to harvest her organs, so as time
continues to ravage his withered old carcass he can remain vibrant, swinging his
ballsack like a giddy school girl.
Will Hef dump the other two and marry Holly?
At first I thought no way… but now, if you watch interviews that have taken
place after the season’s over, you will see some tension. Kendra and Bridget sit
far away from Holly.
If he did propose, Holly should have a splendid honeymoon phase complete
with bed pans, colostomy bags, walkers, and all sorts of geriatric antics!
Ok, I’m sleepy and out of questions, but send me your questions and I will
answer them with my impressive wisdom and insight.
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