You ever notice how you’ll always put a gun in your mouth but never pull the trigger? You ever notice how you’ll put your head in the oven but pull it out before the oven’s even done preheating? Want a way to let out your self-hatred and sadness without being such a pussy?
Cry yourself to sleep.
Actually, that’s still as pussy-ish, but it’s not as cowardly as jumping out of a three-story window and then pulling the parachute you put on your back just in case you change your mind mid-jump and want to continue living your horrible existence.
Crying yourself to sleep is an art form perfected only by those deeply emotionally scarred. Those who perfect it probably aren’t proud of this feat, either. The better you get at crying yourself to sleep, the less you’re proud that you’re getting better at it. It’s kind of like an oxymoron paradox.
We’ve all heard the lines before. “No, I don’t want to go to that party tonight. I’m going to put in an old Jewel CD and cry myself to sleep. Thanks for inviting me, though. I’d love to go on a date with you, but I have a busy schedule tonight. I have two hours of crying myself to sleep followed by several hours of sleep. You’re cute as fuck, though.”
Crying yourself to sleep shows the world your emotional side, and we all know emo music has gotten popular lately. Plus, chicks dig dudes with a soft side, right? Chicks get wet for guys who can’t make eye contact, mumble incoherently, and burst into crying fits.
Here’s how you can be crying yourself to sleep tonight, instead of not crying yourself to sleep.
1. Pick a spot to lie down on.
The cold basement floor works best, but your normal bed will work as well. Next, close your eyes. Don’t worry, you’ll be opening them later to let the tears out. That’s if you do everything right. And if you don’t do everything right and fail at crying yourself to sleep, God help you.
2. Think of how horrible your life is.
This is actually an easy part. Think of how the only girl in your cell phone contacts list is your mom. Think of how the kids would call you names like “Abercrombie & Fitch shirt” and “pretty nice guy.” Think of how Rosie O’Donnell is famous and you’re not. Don’t think of things like ‘your computer skills will land you a great job in today’s society and at least you’re not an asshole. Those things are simply not true and will only hinder your efforts to cry yourself to sleep.
3. Dig deeper into your scarred soul.
I know there’s even more horrible things you have hidden deep in the cave you call your heart. Think of the most wretched memories you have. Make it fun, like maybe a Top Ten list or something. Think of how you peed your pants in the sixth grade. Nobody pees their pants in the sixth grade. That’s like first grade shit. Maybe kindergarten.
Think of that time you were giving a presentation with that girl Jenny, and she was bending over and the whole class saw you checking her out. She was fifteen, you fucking perv! Yes, you were fifteen, too, but that doesn’t change things. It’s still rape.
Think of how the only girlfriend you ever had cheated on you with your brother and your dad (at the same time…that was probably the most awkward threesome someone could ever walk in on).
Think of your lack of social skills, nervousness around people, and awkward strings of words put together that you try to pass as sentences.
Think of how your life can only get worse from here on out. You’re not magically going to become a social butterfly. You’re not going to get a girl the more you masturbate. You’re just going to get sadder and sadder, eventually turning into either a rapist or serial killer (or both).
Those tears coming yet’ Good, good. Wash away the sadness. Congratulations, pussy, you got the crying part down. Don’t smile. I didn’t mean it when I said “congratulations.” What I meant was “hey everyone, look at this guy—he’s crying. What a d-bag!”
4. The actual sleep part.
While not as emotionally heart-wrenching, it still can be just as fun. The sleep comes from being exhausted from pouring your heart out, the need to rest your tear ducts and eyes, and the urge to not be conscious anymore. It helps you forget about all the terrible things you just thought about, although your dreams probably will pick up where you left off.
Anyways, you’ll wake up in ten or so hours, ready to start the cycle again. You probably won’t be able to fall asleep again for a while, so go through your day crying sporadically to get ready for the big one: the crying yourself to sleep that will come later at the end of the day.
That’s all you need to know. Now stop reading this article and start reading your subconscious. Start remembering all the things you suppressed your whole life. You’re pathetic. I’m only trying to help. Crying yourself to sleep doesn’t come from being happy, you know. Actually, you probably don’t know. You’re dumb. One would think since you’re not attractive that you’d be smart or have some other good qualities. I guess one would be wrong if they thought that.