To: xxxxxxxxxx
From: xxxxxxx
Hi guys!
Just wanted to give you all the heads up that we're gonna go 4 drinks on Friday night to give the newbies in the team a chance to get to know us all a bit better outside of work.
Not sure of the plan yet but guaranteed it will be wiiillld so bring your best party frock and your drinking hats.
love
xxxx
I stared blankly at the email that had just circulated around the office with dread and not because I don't own a party frock let alone a best one. Drinks with my new work colleagues; this was surely a terrible idea. We're professional acquaintances not friends. I already have friends; too many if I'm honest. I don't think I can manage a whole other group as well. After a few minutes replies kept coming in saying things along the lines of sounds great and can't wait and the occasional whoop! which in my view is just meaningless. Wasn't anybody going to say that this was the worst idea since letting Judas Iscariot into the Jesus club? I bit the bullet. If I was going to be forced to go to this forced evening of fun then I was damn sure going to lay down the law first. I took a deep breath and sent the following email.
To: Everyone
From: Tommy T aka The cool one
To whom it may concern
As many of you are aware we have all received an email inviting us to a evening of forced entertainment in an as yet undecided public house followed inevitably by a shit nightclub. This probably means that by Monday I will be forced to call you all friends rather than just colleagues. I am a great friend. This is proved by the amounts I have. In two of my previous jobs I have made many close friends who I am still in regular drinking contact with today (except Perry; he's a dick). I have 11 male friends who are essentially my family even if I haven't seen them for quite a long time. All in all I know I am a great guy and you are all privileged to have me grace your company this Friday.
However, there are a few rules that must be abided to from the start of our friendship if it is to blossom into a wholesome flower. I need you all to read the following code of conduct and reply to this email agreeing with it. Failure to do so will result in a swift termination of our friendship before it has properly begun and me wiping my genitals over your favourite coffee mug on Monday morning.
Observe the following please:
- Apart from Wags and Habs please do not bring any of your ‘other mates' along with you to our evening. It is one thing bumping into people you know on a night out and a completely different thing to turn up with 5 of your girlfriends ‘because they're just so cool and you guys will love them.' It is hard of me to remember all of your names in the first place without a cruel nickname system being introduced. The last thing I need is extra baggage to have to converse with as well.
- The above rule goes double for anyone who is a bit racist, a bit of a slut or who will punch me in the face because I don't support Chelsea
- Please dress normally. I don't care how ‘alternative' you think you are. Dress like an emo in your own time. All I ask is that we all look alike so when I accidentally meet my real friends in a pub I do not get asked why I'm hanging around with a bunch of goths
- Just as I will refrain from talking soccer in the pub with the lads if you have any photos of your baby/nephew/pet goldfish DO NOT show them to me. I pretend to be interested at work because I am being paid. On my own time your photo will be dunked into your drink accompanied with a swift ‘fuck off.'
- If somebody tells a joke that isn't remotely funny then for Gods sake don't laugh as it will only encourage them to regale us with ‘comedy gold' until I am forced to murder them with a straw
- Likewise do not tell me any ‘hillarious' stories about your friends who I do not know and hopefully never will. I don't care if it is the best story in the world. If I don't know the person it means less to me than you do.
- Other thing I do not wish to discuss include you or your friends new band who are so happening right now, how your ex/current boy/girlfriend is a complete tool, the Olympics and anything to do with work.
- If we enter a drinking hole where people know me and refer to me by any sort of nickname then DO NOT see that as a cue to start using the same name for me either inside or outside of work. It has taken years of friendship for them to verbally abuse me in the way they do and for you to copy suit is frankly rather offensive.
- Inevitably we will meet people who we know outside of work. If you fancy a girl/boy who I am friends with then by all means go and fail to chat her up. If however I text you or have a word in your ear telling you to ‘leave it yeah' then you fucking leave it. Doesn't matter if she is my ex, a girl I've had my eye on or someone banging my friend Steve who happens to be a bit of slag. It's MY friend so trust MY judgement. I would expect nothing but the same of you
- If anyone buys shots then we are doing them. No talk of I don't like tequila or I don't drink shots. I fucking hate sambuca but you know what I do? I grow a pair and get messy.
- Girls; it is something of a tradition that I try it on with my friends when I am drunk. Instead of seeing this as ‘creepy' you should instead see it as both a compliment to yourselves for scrubbing up so well and the bartender for making such potent cocktails.
- If you do wake up in bed with me the next day then the correct procedure is as follows: Sex again in the morning or that evening if I'm feeling vomey. Followed by awkwardness at work the following Monday. A couple of dates and secret meetups. Then coming clean about the whole relationship before breaking up with me several months later.
- When I run out of money then buy me drinks, give me cigarettes and pay for my kebab or face the fucking consequences.
Complying to all these rules will give you a headstart in becoming a successful friend of mine. Failure to comply to any of them will ensure your coffee tastes of penis come Monday morning.
You have been warned
Love
Tom (the small brown one who sits by the photocopier)
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