When I die, I don't want to die like every other pussy. I wanna die like Evel Knievel. Actually, wait, Evel Knievel died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. The only way I'll die like that is if I'm driving the ambulance and flames are shooting out of it as I jump it off of a cliff, and the hospital we're driving to is Hell, and three underage virgin strippers are giving me a rimjob while I'm doing copious amounts of cocaine, and God is below me on Earth chanting “Paul! Paul! Paul!” and I'm ignoring Him.

Maybe old people wouldn't need dentures if they didn't eat so much fucking hard candy.

I wonder if there are any reverse Michael Jacksons in the world. You know…people who used to be white but then turned black from a skin disease (cough…Xavier Holland…cough). How weird would that be if you saw someone you went to school with ten years later and they were a different race?

Do you think that the talking baby from the E-Trade commercial, the one that aired during the Super Bowl of commercials: the Super Bowl, will go through a downward spiral like every other child star? Since he started acting so early, at this rate he'll be an alcoholic by nine months and dead at age 1.

Has anyone ever been Hooked on Phonics and heroin at the same time?

If I was a coach of a team, in the huddle I would say “you guys are pussies out there! And I love pussy!” I wouldn't be a very good coach.

If you were going out with someone who was a Siamese twin, how would you cheat on her with her twin without the original one knowing? And sick, why are you dating a Siamese twin? What's wrong with you?

What's better, the book or the movie:

the-bible-movie.jpg

Hahahahahaha

Me: 1 God: 0.

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