Points in Case > Blogs > Nathan DeGraaf > Today in the News

Today in the News

Posted August 6th, 2008 by Nathan DeGraaf
3
FAVS

Today here in Tampa, many people are mourning the death of four cute white kids who died in a car accident while racing.  When asked for a comment, someone close to the children said, "I hear McCarthy won't let Favre play.  What an outrage."

On the national scene, presidential candidate Barack Obama was recently accused of changing his stance on oil drilling in America and offshore.  When asked for clarification, Obama stated that he was only fine-tuning his position as a response to immediate oil demand and that his long term position certainly had not changed.  "Furthermore," added the presidential hopeful, "I think Brett Favre really could have handled this whole situation better."

In financial news, prices at the pump fell for the twentieth day in a row as a direct result of decreasing oil prices and Brett Favre's boyish love for the game. 

Also in financial news, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae reported losses that were much bigger than expected.  When asked for comment, Freddie spokesman Pete Weller said, "If the Packers don't start Favre, they'll be the ones facing significant losses."

In entertainment news, the new Batman movie, something Knight or whatever, made boatloads of money that its producers are obligated to share with Heath Ledger's parents, who, when contacted, said that they would trade all the cash in the world just to "get Favre one more year in the NFL."

And in terrorism news (what would you call it?), Osama Bin Laden's driver was found guilty of, well, just generally hanging out with Osama Bin Laden.  In response to news of the driver's upcoming sentencing, Al Qada called for, "The immediate reinstatement of Brett Favre to first on the Packer's depth chart at QB."

In medical news, new advancements in neuron simulation and gene mapping have allowed for what scientists hope will be a great advancement in the treatment and eventual curing of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS).  When asked about the subject, long time ALS sufferer Leon Peek said, "I hope Brett Favre's stools aren't too lose.  A man's only as strong as his craps."

In weather news, Texas suffered power losses and one death when hurricane Edouard defied its French name and actually did some damage.  Hurricane advisory board president, Mr. Helio Jacko said that response to the hurricane was top notch and that, in his opinion, "The game owes Brett Favre the right to play as long as he wants, wherever he wants."

In economic news, unemployment reached a long-time high of six percent as workers are cutting employers left and right with the goal of sustaining profitability.  When asked for a comment, recently unemployed Steve Jacobs said, "Did you hear favre turned down 25 million dollars over ten years not to play football?  They would have paid him to do nothing.  I mean, I'm getting paid to do nothing too but they only give me two hundred fifty bucks a week.  Favre's a crazy man."

And finally, from the world of sports, Brett Favre has been declared a saint by Pope Benedict, who swears that "If Jesus played football, he would have played it like Favre."  

Average: 4.9 (17 votes)

17 Comments

Casey Freeman's picture
Casey Freeman on August 6th, 2008:

How dare you ridicule Brett Favre! The man is a saint, gentleman, scholar and whatever the hell he feels like!

Courtney's picture
Courtney on August 6th, 2008:

Good to see I'm not the only one who could care less what Favre does.

I'm still probably the only one who reads his name like "Farva" from SuperTroopers and has to correct myself every time. Oh well.

Amanda's picture
Amanda (not verified) on August 6th, 2008:

As some one who lives in Green Bay I find this only to be too true.

I appreciate the style of the piece and will definetly be sharing this with my co-workers tomorrow.

Court Sullivan's picture
Court Sullivan on August 6th, 2008:

I'm still unable to process any of this "Brett from Green Bay" stuff because I don't understand why it's not either pronounced FAAV-rah, or spelled "Farve." And I refuse to acknowledge anything other than "he plays quarterback" until such matter is resolved (or at a minimum, explained).

Nathan DeGraaf's picture
Nathan DeGraaf on August 6th, 2008:

Sadly, because coverage of Favre is so damn complete in the football world, I read that he was asked why it was spelled like that and said that where his family was from, a lot of people had the name spelled both ways and no one knew why. He even went so far as to say that maybe somehwere down the line, a forefather of his miseplled it drunk on some important document or something.

I can't tell you how sad I feel for knowing that. Not that it's an answer but well... I have no point.

Court Sullivan's picture
Court Sullivan on August 6th, 2008:

I feel better at least knowing that Brett knows it's stupid. If he would've tried to defend the ridiculousness somehow, I would've given him less respect.

Alex Bash's picture
Alex Bash on August 7th, 2008:

I don't think I've ever laughed at every single paragraph in an article, even though each one was essentially the same thing.

Maybe I have a primitive mind, maybe this was fucking hilarious.

Either way, props must be given for somehow creating a smooth transition between the phrase “strong as his craps” and observing the stereotyped irony of a hurricane’s name.

Casey Freeman's picture
Casey Freeman on August 7th, 2008:

I've officially lost all my respect for Brett Favre today. I feel weird. It's like if GI Joe moved to Canada to avoid a war. I feel so abused.

LCD's picture
LCD on August 7th, 2008:

I never had any respect for Brett Favre at all. First of all, he can't spell/pronounce (which is it?) his own fucking name. Second, he's a sissy crybaby bleeding vagina. Football players don't fucking cry, particularly over broken thumb. He's just a douchey loser, albeit an extremely athletic douchey loser, but a douchey loser nonetheless. I wish he'd actually retire.

Grandpa Tom's picture
Grandpa Tom (not verified) on August 7th, 2008:

I just added this link to the most popular Southern Miss message board.

Good post Nate. Thank goodness football 'off season' is ending.

Nathan DeGraaf's picture
Nathan DeGraaf on August 7th, 2008:

Favre has no idea how protected he was in Green Bay by the media and by the Packers. I can't wait to watch the sports media's favorite slob-balls get kicked.

This football season'll be fun.

Oh and thanks.

tdhurst's picture
tdhurst on August 7th, 2008:

Favre was a god in a backwater market. The LIKE his interceptions because they make his touchdowns all the more dramatic.

NY fans just seem to hate everyone except just after they win.

Heather Robinson's picture
Heather Robinson (not verified) on August 8th, 2008:

Mr. Favre is a pussy. yeah, i said it. He should have stayed retired. It annoyed the crap out of me that he was getting more coverage than..well...anything.

Don't tell the Senator Obama fans though.

Casey Freeman's picture
Casey Freeman on August 8th, 2008:

Here's my humble thoughts on Favre:

He's been playing since I started watching football, not that a big deal, but he played for the SAME team for 16 years. He's not the best, but it looked like he tried his hardest and really seemed like one of the good guys.

He retires, everybody is impressed.

Then he pulls this rinky dink bullshit. He's made himself and his fans a mockery. Now I never "worshiped" the guy, but I respected him, and I don't have too much respect for pro athletes. Now I have no respect for him.

It's like if AC/DC recorded an acoustic Christmas album with Clay Aiken.

Powderhound's picture
Powderhound on August 11th, 2008:

"It's like if AC/DC recorded an acoustic Christmas album with Clay Aiken."

Brilliant analogy! I was so dissapointed by this move - the guy may love the game, but what about his legacy? What about when ESPN does their retrospective on his career (an hour-long piece that will come out in about 5 years and then be played on a loop during the football off-season)? He's going to look like a complete asshole - "Well, he played for Green Bay for 16 years and shattered all the career records and was seen not only as one of the great players, but also one of the great sportsmen... but then he sold out his old team when he 'un-retired' and went to play for whoever the hell would take his old ass".

Grandpa Tom's picture
Grandpa Tom (not verified) on August 8th, 2008:

Favre is God!!!!! All hail Favre!!!!!

The Jets are now a playoff team, and the packers are idiots!

He owns all of the NFL career passing records, so he's not coming back to break more. It's also not about the money. He just loves the game. He's healthy and still has his arm. Why not hang around for as long as you can?

USMfan's picture
USMfan (not verified) on August 10th, 2008:

LCD.....well, your filthy mouth says it all......thanks for the worthless post...

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