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KC vs. Bumper Sticker Logic: Dismembering Your Member

By Casey Freeman June 22, 2009 | Comments (9) | Share

I have a saying, "Opinions are like exes. Everyone has them, and they're all retarded and psychotic."

I'm driving more since I've moved to Colorado, thus I'm seeing more bumper stickers. Generally I don't care if you're advertising what kind of stereo is in your car, your favorite shitty football team or where you went to high school. I really, really just don't give a damn.

And it's not even the political messages that annoy me. I'll go ahead and agree that George W. Bush was the worst president of the century...if you agree that Barrack Hussein Obama is the second worst. But I digress.

On my daily trip to the grocery store I saw a Subaru (why does it always have to be a Subaru—who are these rejects?) with these messages:

Now I don't have children, nor do I care to look at other dudes' dongs. I like women. I've been with a few handfuls of them, and never ONCE has a girl taken off my pants and said, "Oh this is as gross as shit. You don't have a foreskin!" My special ladyfriends get mad enough when I don't shave The Twins (that's what I call my balls—which is yet another euphemism for testicles).

On the real other hand, I know a lot of ladies (and nearly all of my gay dude friends) that are generally freaked out by the uncut version of a "man's movie."

Oddly enough, I've seen these anti-circumcision stickers on cars with Pro-Choice stickers. So it's okay to stuff a baby in a Cuisinart but not snip off part of his peen-peen? Now, I'll not get into that discussion, because once again, I don't care.

Now I suppose whatever hippie lady's argument is that an infant boy doesn't choose to have part of his weiner cut off, so you're violating his rights. Here's my argument: "So what?"

Did you ask little baby Moonstone if he wants to speak English? Eat canned turnips or whatever they make baby food out of? Go to school? No. There are just things that you do for your kid. Or don't do. So fuck his little baby feelings.

I don't remember how badly it hurt when the doctor chopped up my then baby-sized KC Junior (that's my penis) but I can imagine it was fucking painful as hell. And that's the point, I don't remember, soooooo who cares? However, I do remember how awesome every blowjob I've ever received feels. And seriously people, that's all that really matters.

If I could get a second procedure done that hurt even more, but made me enjoy getting knobbers even more, I'd fucking get two of them.

So there you go hippie. Paste your next bumper sticker over your eyes and drive really fast into a tree. Because circumcision is awesome and so are blowjobs. I win. Flawless Victory.

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