By contributing writer Alexander Meyers

You have the hunger. You’ve come here for a reason. Oh, don’t be ashamed, friend, for we all feel the need for what you desire. The desire for the deadly. The desire for the destructive. The desire for the rootinest, the tootinest, and by Jesus, the hootinest acts the world has seen since Adolf Hitler made out with Bill Cosby. Well get your pencils ready friends… it’s Xtreme Stuntz Roundup.

1. Vert-Moonlanding

Space: the coolest frontier. Buy a One Way Space Ticket to Space. From space, walk to the moon. You are so hungry! Order Chinese, and note the irony of a woman of Korean descent delivering the food. For some reason, become angry and make a large scene using the Chinese Food/Korean Delivery Woman issue as your topic. (Don’t worry, no one will ever know about your malicious racism. It’s the moon.)

2. Batman V

Be Xtremely Xtreme and pick up some Xtra dough on the side! Promote the upcoming Warner Bros. film Batman: The Beginning by wearing a Batman costume, and running all over New York City for weeks. In your third week of running, suddenly break the general acceptance of the surrealism of your presence by tearing your mask off and flying straight into the heart of the Sun. The jokes on them: you were fucking Superman the whole time.

Lego Maniac: Continue dropping acid and staring at yourself in the mirror until you see this image.

3. Subhuman Fusion

Ski off a cliff onto jagged rocks (unless you don’t mind homosexuals). Fuel your slow, painful recovery with your steadfast homophobia. Drink plenty of water.

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4. Downtown Julie Browning

Here’s a hip new stunt all the Xtreme city folk are doing up:

Spend several years of your life tracking down mid 80’s MTV VJ Downtown Julie Brown.

Hang tight, think loose. At the absolute 11th hour of your quest, serendipitously convene with Downtown while you are shopping at the Gap for a 70-dollar pair of inexpensive looking pants. When Downtown wakes up in your shitty apartment tied to a lawn chair, force Downtown to enjoy six hours of classic pro-wrestling. She will vocalize her sincere thanks for allowing her to watch what is widely known as her most favoritist wrestling match of all time: King Kong Bundy versus Macho Man Randy Savage in a no-holds-barred steel cage match, featuring Mr. T as the special guest referee. At the tail end of hour five, Downtown will ask for a Pepsi. Solemnly apologize for the fact that you only have Coca-Cola. This “fact,” of course, is a poorly disguised lie.

5. Read the Bible

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6. Scorching

Re-forge the forbidden, but long forgotten, Demon Sword “Skalaklia.” Hang tight, think loose. When you feel the sword tweaking just right, beckon the Anti-Christ, and deceive him by offering up your perfect, naked, oiled body on to him. At the moment when the Anti-Christ’s ratty, maggot-ridden facial hair turns to flame, touch the beard and run like a bastard. After 2-3 “Beginners” sessions, you will no doubt want to change things up a bit. You may do so by:

  • Speaking the sacred texts with disdain.
  • Sleeping with the beast without the use of a medically certified prophylactic (Insiderz tip: have an ambulance nearby).
  • Performing the Re-forging ceremony on a Saturday (the Xtremest day of the week).

7. Dystopian Balance

Thoughtlessly offer your recovering alcoholic friend a glass of champagne. (Insiderz tip: hang tight, think loose.)

8. Breakfast for Lunch

You can stop rubbing your eyes, because you’re not dreaming. Are you Xtreme enough for French Toast at two o’clock in the afternoon?

9. Opiate of the Masses

Gradually work your way up the corporate ladder of a prominent company belonging to the Television Industry. Earn the trust and respect of both investors and top-brass execs by constantly bribing everyone you see for no apparent reason. When you’ve finally reached the coveted CEO position, completely phase out TV set production and, in Television’s place, begin marketing a dual-piped hookah with a free six-month supply of black ball opium. Watch the dough/pussy/money come rolling in.

10. Reverse Knuckling

Find Downtown Julie Brown again. Offer her lunch as an apology for the time you kidnapped her. When she wakes up, tell her she already ate.

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