Films are a form of entertainment. Occasionally, though, between the explosions and valleys of sharknados, there is the occasional life lesson to be found. These lessons are what help elevate film to a higher art form, and can teach us about life, love, and how to correctly dispose of a genocidal alien military leader who has just escaped the phantom zone.
Here is what the films of 2013 taught us.
Iron Man 3: For a healthy relationship, spend less time tinkering with the toys in your basement and more time having sex with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Star Trek Into Darkness: If your buddy risks his life to save yours, then you are probably going to have to return the favor somewhere down the line (possibly in an alternate universe).
Pacific Rim: It is best to leave the piloting of gigantic robots to the Japanese. They have college scholarships for this sort of thing.
Reading, writing, and arobotin’.
The Wolverine: When a woman refers to herself as "viper," it becomes doubly important to find out whether she swallows or spits.
The World’s End: Alcohol cures everything. Even the things that it causes.
Epic: If you are going to rip off Fern Gully then at least have the balls to put giant blue cat people in your film.
After Earth: They may be your kids, but that doesn’t stop them from being a big fucking disappointment.
The Great Gatsby: Most of the time a big fancy pile of shit is, well, still just a big pile of shit.
Movie 47: Combining many great ingredients doesn’t always make for a tasty meal. Likewise, having many great actors in your film won’t make it great if you get them to strap fake balls to their chin and poop on each other.
Elysium: Jodie Foster is the supreme lord of all things evil. If someone had just told Travis Bickle this, it would have saved the world a lot of drama.
"On second thought, what if I just brutally murdered the underage prostitute?"
The Last Stand: Arnold Schwarzenegger is old. We know that because this film spends 96.5% of its running time making jokes about it.
Grown Ups 2: World wars aren’t the only things with sequels that are painful to live through.
Jack the Giant Slayer: There are magic beans in the world that have even worse repercussions than the ones they serve you at Taco Bell.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: Too much candy is bad for you. Too much Gemma Arteron in black leather is probably bad for you, too, but who gives a fuck?
Gravity: Farting in your space suit isn’t the only danger astronauts face.
RIPD: If you only rip off one film to make your own, don’t let it be Men in Black.
The Lone Ranger: Having the centrepiece of your film be a gigantic, out of control train wreck is okay. Probably best if the film itself doesn’t resemble it, though.
Kick Ass 2: Jim Carrey with a baseball bat is funnier than Jim Carrey with a farting penguin.
"You fart a lot so I’m going to call you Stinky. Now, where are your brothers; Stupid, Fatty and Penguiny?"
The Croods: Living in prehistoric Earth was a wacky colorful adventure that in no way involved mammoth faeces or having sex with your cousins.
Monster’s University: If you replace the 1980’s vaginas in Revenge of the Nerds with adorable monsters, then you’ve got yourself a family-friendly film.
The Hangover 3: Sometimes, the third time is a charm. Sometimes, it involves being forced to see Ken Jeong’s micro-penis again.
Man of Steel: It doesn’t matter how many people you inadvertently kill, provided you have a fancy pair of glasses to hide behind. And eye lasers.
World War Z: Don’t get stressed if a zombie apocalypse breaks out—there won’t be any fucking blood, anyway.
Wreck-It Ralph: Video game characters have feelings, too. Try not to think about this next time you flamethrower a hooker in GTAV.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Scrooge McDuck wasn’t the only rich asshole with his own money pool.
"Don’t be such a tightass, just let me dip my toe in or something!"