Films are a form of entertainment. Occasionally, though, between the explosions and valleys of sharknados, there is the occasional life lesson to be found. These lessons are what help elevate film to a higher art form, and can teach us about life, love, and how to correctly dispose of a genocidal alien military leader who has just escaped the phantom zone.

Here is what the films of 2013 taught us.

Iron Man 3: For a healthy relationship, spend less time tinkering with the toys in your basement and more time having sex with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Star Trek Into Darkness: If your buddy risks his life to save yours, then you are probably going to have to return the favor somewhere down the line (possibly in an alternate universe).

Pacific Rim: It is best to leave the piloting of gigantic robots to the Japanese. They have college scholarships for this sort of thing.

Robot reading
Reading, writing, and arobotin’.

The Wolverine: When a woman refers to herself as "viper," it becomes doubly important to find out whether she swallows or spits.

The World’s End: Alcohol cures everything. Even the things that it causes.

Epic: If you are going to rip off Fern Gully then at least have the balls to put giant blue cat people in your film.

After Earth: They may be your kids, but that doesn’t stop them from being a big fucking disappointment.

The Great Gatsby: Most of the time a big fancy pile of shit is, well, still just a big pile of shit.

Movie 47: Combining many great ingredients doesn’t always make for a tasty meal. Likewise, having many great actors in your film won’t make it great if you get them to strap fake balls to their chin and poop on each other.

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Elysium: Jodie Foster is the supreme lord of all things evil. If someone had just told Travis Bickle this, it would have saved the world a lot of drama.

Jodie Foster in a taxi
"On second thought, what if I just brutally murdered the underage prostitute?"

The Last Stand: Arnold Schwarzenegger is old. We know that because this film spends 96.5% of its running time making jokes about it.

Grown Ups 2: World wars aren’t the only things with sequels that are painful to live through.

Jack the Giant Slayer: There are magic beans in the world that have even worse repercussions than the ones they serve you at Taco Bell.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: Too much candy is bad for you. Too much Gemma Arteron in black leather is probably bad for you, too, but who gives a fuck?

Gravity: Farting in your space suit isn’t the only danger astronauts face.

RIPD: If you only rip off one film to make your own, don’t let it be Men in Black.

The Lone Ranger: Having the centrepiece of your film be a gigantic, out of control train wreck is okay. Probably best if the film itself doesn’t resemble it, though.

Kick Ass 2: Jim Carrey with a baseball bat is funnier than Jim Carrey with a farting penguin.

Jim Carrey holding a penguin in Mr. Popper's Penguins movie
"You fart a lot so I’m going to call you Stinky. Now, where are your brothers; Stupid, Fatty and Penguiny?"

The Croods: Living in prehistoric Earth was a wacky colorful adventure that in no way involved mammoth faeces or having sex with your cousins.

Monster’s University: If you replace the 1980’s vaginas in Revenge of the Nerds with adorable monsters, then you’ve got yourself a family-friendly film.

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The Hangover 3: Sometimes, the third time is a charm. Sometimes, it involves being forced to see Ken Jeong’s micro-penis again.

Man of Steel: It doesn’t matter how many people you inadvertently kill, provided you have a fancy pair of glasses to hide behind. And eye lasers.

World War Z: Don’t get stressed if a zombie apocalypse breaks out—there won’t be any fucking blood, anyway.

Wreck-It Ralph: Video game characters have feelings, too. Try not to think about this next time you flamethrower a hooker in GTAV.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Scrooge McDuck wasn’t the only rich asshole with his own money pool.

Scrooge McDuck swimming in coins
"Don’t be such a tightass, just let me dip my toe in or something!"

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