A news report recently revealed that President Trump's personal lawyer Michael Cohen had his phone tapped by the FBI. Many are wondering, which and how many of his 16 cell phones were tapped?

I can tell you that all 16 were tapped. Each phone is used differently, and so each tap picked up different information.


1. This is Michael Cohen’s main phone. He is the most professional with this phone, yet still answers it with a “hey chief.” There is no music on this phone, no phone case, nothing that would show any semblance of a personality. The background picture is a photoshopped picture of Trump with heart eyes.


2. This phone is exclusively used to call his mother. His father doesn’t believe in talking on the phone, as it is too close to sharing emotions. The ringtone is “Bohemian Rhapsody” because it’s the only song Cohen knows that has the word “mama” in it. Plus, he thinks Freddy Mercury is the best straight, white performer of all time (nobody tell him). The phone background is a picture with his mother. She’s wearing a fake smile, but he can’t tell since he’s not good at recognizing fake emotions.


3. This is Trump’s personal phone line. Trump insisted that he be the third phone number because he has three kids. The ringtone is a fake recording of The Apprentice winning an Emmy. If this phone rings more than once Michael has to answer it and has to immediately give Trump at least five compliments. If he picks up after the first ring he gets to immediately give Trump at least five compliments. The contents of these conversations are classified, but will soon be coming to a theater near you.


4. Michael Cohen’s wife is the only one with this phone's number. Trump insisted that his phone is placed higher than Cohen’s wife. This phone has never rung.


5. This phone is for his mistress. The calls are always outgoing. He leaves a lot of voicemails. So, so many voicemails.


6. This is the phone for his lawyers when he needs legal advice. The ringtone is the Better Call Saul theme. Lately, he’s been calling every lawyer he can think of to get their definition of “flipping.” The background of this is a picture of his own law degree so he can prove it exists.


7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.” The tailors always say “that’s impossible.” The ringtone is the theme from Suits because Cohen is legally not allowed to have an imagination.


8. This is the phone for his client(s). Contents of these conversations are also classified, but I’m sure Rudy Guliani will blurt them out soon enough. The ringtone is a recording of Trump saying that he’s the most important client.


9. Cohen calls the manager of his bank with this phone. The bank has actually created a special automated messaging system for Cohen: “If you’re funneling money to cover up an affair press 1. If you’re funneling money to cover up an abortion press 2. If you’re calling to make a deposit using the money you’ve illegally obtained, please stay on the line.” The ringtone for this is “Bitch Betta Have My Money.”


10. Michael Cohen’s daughter has this number. She actually calls a surprising amount. She’s been worried about him ever since she saw him hanging out with Anthony Scaramucci. She thinks Scaramucci is a bad influence. The ringtone is “Don’t You Forget About Me.”


11. This is his therapy phone. No one knows about this phone because therapy is for the weak, according to his real dad and his other dad, Trump. He only pays in cash because no one can know. He’s been making some progress. At first, his sessions were filled with him going on and on about how great Trump is. Now they're more about jail. His therapist is just happy he's talking about a different topic.


12. This phone is actually a number Cohen gives out to anyone and everyone. Telemarketers call this phone all the time because Cohen actually picks up. It’s nice to have someone be interested in him, for once. We can’t release this number yet, but he will do so during his hearing.


13. He actually doesn’t have a 13th phone because he’s superstitious.


14. Cohen has this phone for various hookers, porn stars, escorts, etc. that he has to pay off. These conversations are, again, classified, but I am authorized to give you some key phrases: “Novelty butt-plug,” “custom tongue ring,” “gimp costume for two,” “weapons-grade stain remover,” “lube by the gallon, “LSD that changes your perception of someone’s face,” “denial,” “Ivanka-esque,” and “money up front.”


15. This is a phone that's only function is to repeatedly call Elon Musk to ask for a custom Tesla. Cohen is begging Musk to invent a Tesla that runs entirely on admiration/fear of Trump. It would be the fastest car ever produced. Musk has never returned his calls. The phone background is a crayon drawing of an orange Tesla.


16. Finally, the last phone. This phone is only ever bought to be destroyed. Cohen has a 16th phone that he destroys in various ways in order to keep his pent-up rage under control. He has gone through about 27 of these since we started tapping his phones. He also uses a different hammer every time. These phones, like most everything in his life, have never been turned on.


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