The doctor enters the exam room.

DOCTOR: Sorry to keep you waiting. I was performing this incredible new type of procedure you were reading about before you dozed off. I’d explain it but the article really confused you.

ME: No problem.

He takes a seat and looks at my chart.

DOCTOR: Anyway, there are many horrible things wrong with you.

ME: Thought so.

DOCTOR: First, your brain. It’s no good. You have a condition known as neuromaniacosis.

ME: And what exactly–

DOCTOR: It means you whine too much.

ME: Is there a cure?

DOCTOR: Nope.

ME: Any options at all?

DOCTOR: I suppose there are some rogue doctors out there who still do old-fashioned lobotomies, maybe in the Baltic states…

ME: Huh?

DOCTOR: I said let’s get you started on the maximum legal dosage of Xanax.

ME: Gotcha.

The doctor looks at my chart.

DOCTOR: Scrap that, let’s try an experimental procedure.

ME: What kind?

DOCTOR: It’s very complicated, but in layman’s terms I’m going to take this reflex hammer and bash you on the skull – one, two, three!

The doctor bashes my skull.

ME: Did it work?

DOCTOR: I’m not sure. It sometimes works on other things – old guitar amps, video game consoles.

ME: I see.

The doctor looks me square in the eye.

DOCTOR: Doctors play video games all the time. For the hand-eye coordination. It’s how we get so good at surgery.

ME: Right.

DOCTOR: Does that make sense?

I consider.

ME: Absolutely.

DOCTOR: Ah-ha! The experimental procedure is working! Nurse, you can come in now!

A nurse enters the room.

DOCTOR: As you can see, the nurse is your ex-girlfriend. She works here now.

ME: Jenna?

DOCTOR: Examine him, nurse.

She puts on latex gloves, straps me to a table, and starts poking at my stomach. 

NURSE: He giggles wildly, like a child.

DOCTOR: I see.

RELATED:  You're Safe in the Arms of Hubert Warren, Jr., Chief of Police

NURSE: He is not a real man.

She takes off the gloves and sets them on fire with a match.

DOCTOR: You know, she’s told me all about that awful little fit you threw during the breakup. She talks about it all the time.

NURSE: I talk about it all the time.

DOCTOR: She tells everybody.

NURSE: All the time.

ME: But–

The nurse exits the room.

DOCTOR: Moving on, let’s talk about your hair. It’s very thick. You’ll never go bald.

ME: What a relief.

DOCTOR: Come over here and let me tousle it.

ME: Right away.

The doctor tousles my hair.

DOCTOR: Ha! Such thick hair! Also, it’s interesting that you didn’t ask me why I would ever need to do such a thing.

ME: Well, you’re the doctor, so…

The doctor writes on his notepad for six and a half minutes.

DOCTOR: Anyway, you’ll have a full mop of hair until you die. At least you have that on your bald dad! Speaking of him, when’s the last time you called?

ME: A week ago, maybe?

DOCTOR: Your chart here says almost a month.

ME: I’ve been meaning to call, I just–

DOCTOR: Your hair is looking thinner all of a sudden. I’m going to refer you to a hair doctor.

ME: That seems like the right thing to do.

DOCTOR: It is.

ME: Great.

DOCTOR: Let’s see your penis.

I show him.

DOCTOR: Interesting.

ME: What?

DOCTOR: Oh, nothing, I just thought of something interesting about your penis.

ME: Is it serious?

DOCTOR: Your penis?

ME: Well–

DOCTOR: No, not at all.

There’s sudden commotion in the hallway.

DOCTOR: Time’s up.

ME: Am I going to be alright?

I look around to see that the exam room has transformed into a dressing room in the theater of my old high school. The doctor is wearing the costume of a king. Jenna rushes in holding a clipboard.

JENNA: You guys are on in two minutes!

DOCTOR: Don’t worry, you’ll be just fine.

I look down to see I’m wearing a jester costume.

DOCTOR: As long as you don’t forget your lines. Like last time.

Suggested Next