1. “I’ve been doing some thinking lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this just isn’t the career path I should be on. I’ve decided to go back home for a while so that I can have more time to think about what I really want to do with my life.”

Every individual has to make his or her own decisions. It’s very important to be honest with yourself. If something isn’t going very well, then it’s completely OK to change your mind and try a new path.

I just didn’t expect my academic advisor to say those words when I arrived in her office on my first day of college.

2. “I know this book isn’t on the list of the 10 other really expensive books that I had to purchase for this class, but can I buy it anyway? I want to read it and then compose a well-crafted thesis paper for the sole purpose of fulfilling my own intellectual needs while I try to balance the work-load of having two different jobs as well as an 18-credit semester.”

Don’t be too ambitious during your first year of college. It can lead to burn-out. The manager of the phone sex company who will eventually hire you part-time to talk dirty to old men while they masturbate in stolen restaurant napkins probably isn’t going to care how impressive or intellectual you were during your college years.

You have to realize that being an overachiever is not going to change the fact that you are ugly, stupid, rotten, pathetic, untalented, smelly, embarrassingly imperfect in every way, and hopelessly crippled on the inside. Working too hard at school or anything else in life is nothing more than a sad attempt to escape the harsh reality that nobody loves you.

And why would they? You have a personality that is almost as pleasing and exciting as a frozen dog turd on a stick. The only thing that is going to help you with that problem is alcohol. I also recommend spending some time alone crying at the zoo so that the animals will have something amusing to look at.

3. “Hey Stephanie, wait! I’ll be right out! I just took a massive shit, and I’m having trouble wiping my ass. I also got my finger stuck in my asshole by accident because I tried to wipe too hard, which caused it to break right through the toilet paper. …So where do you want to go for dinner?”

This is probably not something you should say when a young lady arrives at your dorm room right before a first date, but some people are just really honest. Taking a shit is never the most exciting thing to do in the world, and it’s even worse if you have lots of trouble wiping your ass afterwards. Sometimes you wipe as much as you possibly can. But despite your best efforts, you still can’t seem to get everything clean.

In the worst case scenario, you have to use a wet rag and really drive it in there just to get all the poop out before you neatly fold up the rag and put it back in your roommate’s drawer. And even if that works, you still have another problem to worry about. ANAL BLEEDING!

It can be a real inconvenience when you’re about to go on a first date, a hunting trip, or even if you’re just getting ready to spend a typical Friday evening paying for sex in the part of town where nobody else wants to go.

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4. “Would you please put your shirt back on and stop sucking my dick! I’m trying to study for a sociology exam tomorrow, and this isn’t helping!”

I don’t know about you, but I have difficulty understanding the dynamic relationship between the individual and society in terms of modernization and its influence on socioeconomic status when there is a beautiful woman with gigantic breasts licking the head of my penis.

How am I supposed to prepare to write an essay providing a critical analysis on social stratification using empirical evidence when there is a gorgeous brunette on her knees massaging my large and throbbing pecker in between her luscious, massive knockers?

It’s just plain distracting if you ask me.

5. “I think I’ve finally learned my lesson that drinking too much is never a good thing. I feel awful. I did some really terrible things last night. I took a shit in the middle of campus, and then I took advantage of a small, helpless animal that was stuck in between a split tree trunk. I’ve decided to go in for counseling and therapy.”

I’m not sure why my human relations professor decided to confess that during our small-group study session right before the final exam of Spring semester, but I understand that alcohol affects people in different ways.

Drinking too much has tragic consequences because it can really ruin a person’s potential in life. It cripples some of the best and brightest individuals, and it prevents them from achieving the life they could live.

The professor had been planning on retiring two weeks later after the final grades were finished, but look at him now. Such a sad story.

6. “I didn’t mean to cheat on my boyfriend, but he’s really far away, and I have needs. Last weekend, those needs involved letting three fraternity guys take turns fucking me in the ass before getting down on my knees so that the quarterback of the football team could blow his load all over my face. I also sucked my math professor’s cock last night, but that doesn’t count. I needed to improve my grade.”

Things like this actually happen all the time on a college campus, but you never hear this statement from women because it’s embarrassingly disguised as:

“I think we should see other people.”

These are the sad and thoughtless words she will say to her boyfriend on the phone after she gets done cleaning off her stomach with a paper towel. The poor bastard will never even know just how many “new friends” she has acquired since she arrived on campus, and it’s not simply because she is a soulless, self-absorbed, manic-depressive, spoiled, depraved, air-headed, manipulative, controlling bitch who has to validate herself by always having a cock inside some part of her body.

It’s because young people grow and develop in different ways when they get to college. They go on a journey to “find themselves” by doing new and exciting things such as: discussing social issues, fighting for causes, drinking hard liquor, going down on people at parties, taking drugs when campus security isn’t watching, picking fights, contracting STDs, painting their toenails purple, joining cults, hanging themselves in campus chapels, using other people sexually, finger-fucking their roommate’s sister when she comes to visit, and taking philosophy classes.

7. “I was going to call you last night, but the eraser fell off my pencil, and I had to spend several hours gluing it back on.”

This is a rather lame but amusing way for a guy to avoid saying what he really means:

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“You looked pretty attractive last weekend when I was drunk and the lights were turned off, but I felt really sick the next morning when I woke up and saw you next to me. The wretched feeling I had was partly due to the hangover, but most of it had to do with your face.”

Don’t feel too bad if you are a guy who has done something like this. At least you made her happy for a little while. After all, reports and statistics have repeatedly shown that ugly individuals enjoy fucking just as much as attractive individuals do. (And when you look at most of the people around you, it almost seems like they enjoy it more!)

Just relax and take it easy when she calls you later on in the semester to inform you that you will be the proud father of twins.

8. “You guys can go to the party without me. I think I’m going to stay inside and read this fascinating, 400-page book about preconceived notions of theory-based projections on how future generations will externalize the internal rather than internalizing the external. After that, I’m going to shove a ‘compass tool set’ needle into my penis hole and then jump off the science building in such a way that one of the nearby gate posts will actually go all the way up my ass.”

It never hurts to stay inside once in a while. Everybody needs their “alone” time. Partying too much is bad for your health.

9. “This porn is really turning me on! Excuse me. I need to go into one of the shower stalls and spray water on myself as I crank one off while thinking about the really hot girl in biology class who never looks at me.”

The girl from biology class is really hot, and you’d love nothing more than to have her bend over a laboratory table so that you can unzip your intellect in order to show her just how long and extensive your scientific knowledge really is. But that’s never going to happen, so you’re going to have to settle for drinking beer and watching porn on Friday night with the other guys in your dormitory who can’t get dates.

At some point during the porn, one of the guys is going to leave the room. (It will probably be right after a really hot scene that involves two female trainees taking turns peeing on their male gym instructor who is handcuffed to a chin-up rack.)

The guy is going to come back 30 minutes later with a lame expression on his face. The only reason you’re not going to hear anything that resembles the above statement is because it’s going to be pathetically disguised as:

“I had to go check my email.”

10. “Sorry, I’m late for class. My boyfriend came over to visit, and I had to spend a few extra moments cleaning off my mouth.”

They went out for pizza, and the pizza was very messy. Why? What did you think I was talking about?

You. Sick. Fuck!!

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