From the witty one herself(Oh, and I've added my commentary):
Bloggers Are So Cliche by Stereotypical Angry Middle-Aged Woman
People have often described me as a blogger.
This is because you generate income from writing on your web log. You are the very definition of a blogger. People are correct.
I generally shy away from the term because, to me, bloggers are boring, self obsessed narcissists who use their website mainly as a means to discuss the inconsequential minutiae of their day to day lives.
And to me, bloggers are devilishly stylish and handsome He-men with the power to make women come by just pointing at them and saying BOO-YEAH. Unfortunately, I'm no Merriam, and you, my good woman, are no Webster, so we can't just change what words mean. Trust me, I've tried a million times, and I still can't make people believe that slag-faced she-cunt is a positive. Ok, you slag-faced she-cunt?
On my site, I try really hard to have a point at least the majority of the time. On the off chance I’m not actively making a point about society as a whole, I am at least attempting to take the piss out of myself.
Here, we kind of agree. I would argue that you kind of take the piss out of yourself whenever you attempt to write, but I see that it's at least intentional sometimes, which I suppose is good. I'm super glad that you try really hard to have points. Sometimes, when I'm drunk, I try really hard to conjure up twenty dollar bills out of thin air. The only difference is that I came kinda close once.
I'm kidding. You do have points, like how about fat people suck, or stupid people suck, or bloggers suck. Groundbreaking societal commentary.
However, it seems to me that no matter how hard I try to distance myself from those who take themselves entirely too seriously, I keep getting lumped in with the group.
See: The definition of Blogger.
So, I have decided to embrace the role right here and now.
Wait, don't tell me. You're going to continue writing on your weblog. Then you're going to post that material, and proceed to draw advertising revenue. *SPOILER ALERT*!
This is how I plan to do it:
Why do I get the sinking feeling that my answer was wrong?
The very first thing I plan to do is write a post proclaiming to the world that I AM A WRITER. I will insist that I do not write my blog for my fans. Nay, I write for me! Because I am a writer! Who needs to write!
I know your like, totally being sarcastic and everything, but this is kinda dumb, even by your standards. You know what a false dilemma is, right? If not, wikipedia it. Go ahead, I won't look down on you anymore than I already do.
Done? Good. Then you realize that it's possible to write for both yourself and your fans. That having fans you help you shape your personal, cathartic writing makes it better and therefore more useful to you. You do realize that, right? If not, see DeGraaf, Nate.
I will claim that blogging is cathartic for me and I will bore the piss out of you with romantic stories of my youth where I claim my grade school teachers fawned all over my mad writing skillz.
I get it! The joke is that nobody's ever told you were a good writer when you were growing up and you felt the need to prove it as an adult in the most juvenile and puerile way possible, right? Right?
When people make the point that if I were writing strictly for myself, I could be typing it all up in Microsoft word, I will ignore them dutifully. When people ask me if I’ve ever written professionally (Or have ever gotten paid for my work), I will insist my big break is on the horizon. After all, writing is my destiny! It is what I was born to do! I will assure you of this, over and over again, until you seriously consider jamming toothpicks into your eyes. Also, I will be sure to use multiple fragments and exclamation points while making these claims. Sometimes, I may even stress words that should not be stressed. It’s my style, yo.
Ok, I'll admit to being a little confused here. For seemingly no reason, she seems to equate being a blogger with using random and poorly placed slang. Perhaps the only blog she reads regularly is wiggeringout.blogspot.com? I honestly don't know what to make of it. Apparently, in her world, having other people see what you're doing is somehow antithetical to doing what you like to do for yourself. I suppose it makes sense when what you love to do is belittle other people in trite and hackneyed ways, though. Or should I say trite and hackneyed ways, ma niggaz.
After I’m finished with that, I will make my obligatory hysterical post bemoaning my recent bout with writers block! All serious writers suffer from writers block and I will be no exception. I will whine that even though I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for hours, I can’t figure out what to write. In a strange, roundabout way, I will hint that my genius usually pops into my mind without warning. But today? Nothing is coming to me!
This is a somewhat decent point, since writing about writer's block is kind of old hat. Acres, however, never deals with writer's block. When you write essentially the same thing every week, inspiration isn't too far off.
I will tell you that each of my posts only took about 10 minutes to write.
This one took me like 20, but 10 of those minutes were spent bemoaning the fact that I will never ever be as super clever as Violent Acres.
I will hope you will be impressed by this fact because it means I am capable of creating a lot of hilarity in a short period of time despite my errors with grammar and syntax. But in reality, you will be thinking, “That’s pretty obvious.” Also, I will pretend my post about writers block does not count as ‘writing,’ even though it did not magically appear on the page.
I have never seen a blog that somehow “pretends” that writing about having writer's block isn't writing. But good call on catching those hypothetical grammatical and syntactical mistakes. I could learn from you Most of my papers come back filled with hypothetical red ink.
Once all of that is out of the way, I will finally be able to get to the good stuff. I’ll start off by telling you what time I woke up this morning and what I plan to accomplish today. I may or may not post a picture of what I am wearing. I will make special note of any ridiculous bathroom habits I have in the hopes that they will make me seem quirky and lovable to the audience I repeatedly insist I have no use for. Then, I will taxi my children around to various places in a sad, pathetic attempt to make it seem like I have a really busy life, even though the only ones who are actually doing anything are my kids. Later in the day, I will visit a restaurant whereupon I will document each and everything I had to eat. I will include a picture of said meal. I will announce that you simply have to try it! I will insist my fans are interested in this tripe and claim they depend on me for advice! My loyal subjects would have no idea how delicious Indian food was without my blog! For dinner, I will cook a meal all by myself…only this time I will include the recipe with my picture. Later in the day, I will make note of the fact I failed to accomplish the majority of my daily goals. Isn’t that funny how life just gets in the way? Am I not more relatable now?
In case you misunderstand, her general theme here is that most bloggers are losers who write about unimportant things that nobody cares about enough to read. Nobody except, apparently, her. Far be it from her to go through an entire post without making a jab at people who blog about their children. When will these people learn? Children are to be seen and not written about. That's just some basic Emily Post shizznit right there.
Directly following any post I make about food, I will write another about my body issues. I will melodramatically relay to you my struggles with anorexia or bulimia and the heart wrenching effect it had on my life. I will call myself a fat cow and then post flattering self pictures so you can all tell me how beautiful I am in my comments section. After that, I will start a new work-out routine because I am so worth it! Every time I walk around the fucking block, I will be sure to document it online.
Not like that anti-blogger Violent Acres. She's way too cool for that sort of insecure nonsense. Nope, she justs sits there, securely making fun of hypothetical people who blog about their lives. Yup, Mrs. Acres is Secure McCoolerson from Self Love, Ohio.
I will spend more time taking pictures of my bike than riding it. Furthermore, I will spend more time taking pictures of my kids than actually spending time with them.
Apparently, these hypothetical bloggers are physics whizzes who have figured out a way to
photograph their children while being nowhere in their vicinity. Either that, or paparazzi with telescopic lenses. They totally love to blog about Indian food.
Also, there will be no picture ‘off limits’ to the public. Should my child be sick with the flu and utterly miserable, I will still mercilessly jam a camera in her face and post the results on the Internet.
I can only assume Mrs. Acres is less than stunning. I can't otherwise understand her seemingly personal attacks on the institution of photography. I, on the other hand, love cameras. I dated one for 9 months until it got too attached and starting getting jealous of the mirror.
I will have a wishlist. I gave my fans a great recipe for salsa; I deserve free stuff in return. Should I run out of money to pay my bills, I will slap up a paypal button and proceed with the begging. All those pictures I took of my children looking miserable will definitely come in handy now.
You do realize that people donate of their own accord? And that sometimes, people enjoy giving things to their friends? You remember “friends” right?
Should anyone insult me or find fault with anything I do or write, I will ignore their arguments and insist they are a jealous troll or a bully. I will call them losers because they have nothing better to do with their time than make fun of me. I will totally ignore the fact that I have nothing better to do with my time than write long, tedious blog posts about people who make fun of me. If the trolls persist, I will claim they are stalking me. I will pretend to be really frightened and lament the fact that there is so much evil in this world. After all, anyone who doesn’t worship me must be evil, right? Right?
No, actually, what YOU will do if people insult or find fault with you (by posting things unrelated to you on YOUR internet – how dare they?) is post unflattering pictures of their children online. You will then make a lot of noise about “fans” and “traffic”, which doesn't really address the point that you're kind of pathetic and your writing reads like a tipsy homosexual trying to impress a gaggle of fag hags.
Periodically, I will ‘take a break’ from my website. I will assert that it’s easy to get caught up in the blogging world and I will publicly chastise myself for doing so. Afterwards, I will vow to start paying attention to the things that are really important in life. I will follow up this comment with a heartwarming picture of my family.
If only you WOULD take a break. I know, I know – those Ambien don't pay for themselves and you have to sleep at night somehow, right?
Then, and only then, can you accurately call me a blogger.
Then I could accurately call you a blogger. Or, now I could accurately call you a blogger. See, words have these funny things called definitions, you slag-faced shecunt.
Labels: Blogwars, Hollie, Violent Acres