Jeff Gassen

School

University of Nebraska - Omaha

Class of

2013

Hometown

Columbus, NE

At a Glance

If you play a Justin Bieber song forward, it says, "Baby, baby, baby, oh."

Bio

After a parthenogenetic birth, common to all great men, Jeff spent most of his childhood serving in the Church. After losing his faith and gaining an insatiable hunger for hookers and blow, he spent a short period of time courting Amy Winehouse when he most famously predicted that when she died people would actually remember she was popular once. Today, Jeff spends most of his time systematically killing those who don't use their blinkers, and his recent business, making leather from the skin of people who make fake trailers on YouTube and label them "Ghostbusters III," hitting it big by landing both the Liz Jones and John Boehner accounts. He now spends most of his time making haikus, stealing candy from babies and giving it to strangers, and engaging in prolonged eye contact with fellow patrons in gym mirrors.

Column




Food for thought, if your brain ran on sophisticated overinterpretation, critical drinking skills, religious paradox, and strategems.

Steal These Tweets: America the Absurd

50 tweets highlighting the most ridiculous aspects of American culture. Click on any of them to retweet. Know that you did something funny for your country.
Jul 30, 2014

Country Music is Immoral and Illegal

There's just one problem with country music: it glorifies breaking both the laws of God and men. Here are a few of the worst offenses, including stalking and homicide.
Jul 22, 2014

10 Spooky Two-Sentence Stories

My boss greeted me with a "How are you?" as he walked by in the morning. Before I could catch myself, I answered, "Not much, you?"
Jul 16, 2014

The 4 Most Likely Theories Explaining the Missing Malaysia Flight 370

Could this be a hijacking of both a plane and the American public to try to teach them something about geography? Somebody get Nance Grace on this.
Mar 21, 2014

QUIZ: What Kind of Malaysia Airlines Disappearance Theorist Are You?

A 10-question quiz to reveal your Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 Disappearance Theorist identity Are you the Pilot Suicide, the Catastrophic Failure, or something else?
Mar 15, 2014

Obamacare Horror Stories That Will Scare the Lamination Off Your Insurance Card

Obamacare: the most frightening thing to emerge from the womb of the Communist Obama jihad squad. Here are three real-life examples of the healthcare failure.
Jan 12, 2014

25 Ways Your Super Bro Friend is Trying to Tell You He's Gay

What he says: "Haha, it's only gay if you make eye contact!" What he means: "Staring contest, Brent."
Dec 16, 2013

Shut the Fuck Up, You Did Not See a Ghost

No matter how many Americans believe ghosts exist, shut the fuck up, you didn't see a ghost or anything supernatural for that matter. Here's why.
Nov 15, 2013

5 Reasons It's Kind of a Shitty Idea to Have Kids

There are as many reasons to have children as tear drops on Taylor Swift's guitar, but sometimes you find out, like the tear drops, those reasons are just...gonorrhea.
Sep 28, 2013

Turns Out You Don't Really Have Free Will

People like to believe that they control what they enjoy doing, when in fact most of their preferences can be traced back to their unconscious brain.
Sep 6, 2013

How Rocky IV Ended the Cold War

Some say Reagan's policies helped end the Cold War, others say the Russians just realized how hot their women were. But none of that is true.
Jul 23, 2013

Advanced Relationship Advice with Uncle Jeff

I think you're underestimating how important a layer of mystery is in maintaining sexual seduction in a relationship. No guy should ever know what a tampon is.
Jul 11, 2013

10 Ways to Make Your Facebook Profile Sexier

It's time you embrace social networking, and use Facebook the way all exceptional people do: to get laid. Here's some research to make your profile sexier.
Jun 24, 2013

5 Reasons It's Your Parents' Fault You're Fat

If the conditions that make you fat or skinny, exercise-addict or couch-potato, can be traced back to conditions out of your control, then who's fault is it? Your parents'.
May 8, 2013

5 Ways the Catholic Church Can Survive the 21st Century

Here is how the Catholic Church can ensure that it makes it through the little hiccup that has been the 21st century.
Apr 23, 2013

The 9 to 5 Theses

We realize that we work at jobs we are underqualified for where the only qualifications are being white and MS Word skills. Here's how we keep those jobs.
Apr 11, 2013

5 Reasons Rich People Really Do Kind of Suck

Rich people are fucking assholes, and I have scientific proof. Like, stuff people with doctorate degrees came up with, not Bentley road rage reports.
Mar 6, 2013

Nancy Grace: "The Pistorius Testimony Has Poor Footing"

Famed legal expert, Nancy Grace, is skeptical about the testimony of Pistorius. Here is the transcript from Pete Harding's banter with the author and legal pundit.
Feb 28, 2013

Jeff Gassen's Highly Unconventional Super Bowl XLVII Drinking Game

What you need: one drink per person, one hurricane cocktail for every table, and residual enthusiasm from when you initially learned Tom Brady wasn't in the Super Bowl.
Jan 29, 2013

How to Know If Your Neighbor is a Psychopath

Have you ever wanted to burn your neighbor's fucking house down? Here's how you can tell if you have to worry about one of them doing the same.
Dec 13, 2012

4 People the Catholic Church Tells You Should Be Excommunicated

Throughout history, the Catholic Church has been burdened with the daunting task of becoming the world’s buffer against our primitive savagery, the collapse of morality, and non-whites from smiling in public.
Nov 30, 2012

50 Things I've Learned from the Election Year (With Links)

The difference between Rick Santorum and my dog is that one humps random guys' legs and the other is a cocker spaniel named Betsy.
Nov 20, 2012

The 10 Spookiest Scenes in Spoooky Movie History

Sometimes a movie's terror creates a vortex of fear that spins you until the force sends you flying off into the depths of the cold, lifeless abyss. Fuckin' shit's scary.
Oct 21, 2012

Warped Sex Education: Admiration for Abstinence

The extent of my sex ed at private school was this: "You have this dangly thing between your legs. You pee out of it. Girls don't have that dangly thing. Sex feels good."
Oct 4, 2012

Getting Laid with Science

Fortunately, we now know what cues women are unconsciously driven by, as well as some of the situations that are more conducive to the release of your inner Bonaduce.
Sep 7, 2012

Gay Shit Straight Guys Do

Turns out a lot of the seemingly innocuous activities we do as straight men are as gay as fruit cup substitutions for hash browns at Denny's.
Aug 31, 2012

Love the Feminism, Hate the Feminist

In the face of exorbitant infringements on the rights of women in America recently, neo-feminists have become a convenient distraction for those aiming to control women's rights.
Aug 24, 2012

Isn't It Auroranic?

I say "who the fuck cares" because nobody really cares about people dying. If they do they're exercising an irony that would rival Alanis Morissette riding a Dodo bird to Greenland.
Jul 30, 2012

Taking Ecstasy: What You REALLY Need to Know

Everything "The Man" won't tell you about using ecstasy safely and to maximum effect, including what to listen to on ecstasy, and what over-the-counter drugs to use with it.
Jul 25, 2012

Strategy for Eliminating Cats from the World

Although I once believed in the impregnability of my foe's defenses, I became cognizant of a few strategies for conquering humanity's greatest nemesis: CATS.
Jul 6, 2012

PIC PSA: Protect Yourself from Drugs

The entire "it's bad because it's illegal" argument is futile at best, but more likely irresponsibly dangerous. Marijuana is only the most salient example because of its widespread use.
Jun 27, 2012

Rapeocalypse Now: A Twat Thought Experiment

Few people know the real physicist Sam Beckett behind the show Quantum Leap. But what I have here is his chronicling of an alternatively sexual alternate universe.
Jun 8, 2012

Prepare for the Rapeocalypse: Rape Don't Hurt

Sex is over a billion years old and our ultimate drive; one way or the other it's going to happen. This is the enhanced coercion and irresponsible justification of sexual deviance with John Dalton.
May 24, 2012

Four Signs of the Rapeocalypse: The Intercepted Letter

They can call what we'd done whatever they want: rape, molestation, fucking-kids-in-asses, but we know we did what we had to.
May 10, 2012

4 Signs of the Rapocalypse

Rap today uses the poetic license as an excuse to string together more lines of shit than The Human Centipede and make insane amounts of money saying essentially nothing.
May 3, 2012

E=MCsaved

We have to scour history for the oldest, boldest, turn-the-other-cheekiest son-of-a-bitch we can. Only then, using the PRETEND function, can we can spot the next Jesus in our midst.
Apr 24, 2012

Village of the Amsterdamned

American cinema deceptively portrays Amsterdam, but not in the way you may think. All that we've seen and heard have actually been diluted versions of the truth.
Apr 19, 2012

Shut the Fuck Up, You Were Not Abducted By Aliens

Disregarding the Fermi paradox, the cosmic silence we perceive, and the fact that we're too boring for aliens to hang out with, you still didn't get abducted. Here's why.
Apr 10, 2012

48 Things You Didn't Know About Easter

Turning bread and wine into flesh and blood is perfectly plausible and happens every Sunday. It's also not creepy at all that it's later ingested. Long live Jesus!
Apr 5, 2012

Comedy Articles


Five Reasons You Should Never Trust Cats
Throughout history, cats had an uncanny ability to lull people into their graces with the innocence of kittenhood. Now we know they're sexual deviants that are full of shit.
Feb 18, 2012


Modern Day Robot Asskickery
Robots will soon be able to make mincemeat out of you. Think the Terminator was badass? That pussy couldn't even time travel and terminate his own illegitimate child.
Feb 2, 2012