Adam Hornyak


Pennsylvania State University

Class of



Backwoods, WV

At a Glance

I'm a handsome, (relatively) disease-free virgo, looking for that special someone to make my toes curl. My perfect woman would be tall, slender, and preferably have no taste buds. Oh wait, this isn't eHarmony is it? Dammit, I do that all the time.


I live in a dumpy little town in West Virginia and typically spend my days contemplating which would be easier: running to the grocery store or committing suicide. The fact that I'm still around probably has something do with not being able to figure out how to work a gun.

Comedy Articles

I Steal Breakfast
All I wanted to do was to use the bathroom and get back on the road, but a lovely woman working the breakfast station approached me and said, "Come grab a bite."
Jan 30, 2013

Stop Posting About Your Kids on Facebook, Part 3
I've done my best this year to try and avoid the Facebook narcissism that endlessly infiltrates my news feed, only to find that it is physically impossible, thus Part 3.
Dec 15, 2012

I'd Like to Return This Inflatable Doll, Please
What do you do when your highway porn store inflatable woman won't hold 'her' air any longer? Well, you can clean the dried cum off her face to start with.
Jul 14, 2011

A Basic History of Florida, America's Dick
Florida has provided the world with jerk-off sports teams, early bird specials, hurricanes, and plenty of illegal Cubans. Unfortunately, the adult film "Hung Chad" was never made.
Apr 27, 2011

Stop Posting About Your Kids on Facebook, Part 2
After Part 1, I still have several Facebook "friends" left that I'd like to alienate, so I will make my point again by ripping apart more annoying posts about kids I've seen recently.
Apr 12, 2011

Dear, You Could Use a Guy Like Me
Dear, I think it's time I join your piece of shit website. I was put on this planet to change your ugly member stereotype forever, which is why I'm requesting a free membership.
Mar 29, 2011

Stop Posting About Your Kids on Facebook
I don't have any children that I know of, and I obviously don't understand the fraternity of parenthood, but come on, nobody wants to hear about your kids on Facebook.
Feb 9, 2011

Don't Go to New Orleans Until You Read This
As a New Orleans travel veteran, I have seen many aspects of The Big Easy. Now I offer to you my best tips on cajun food, prostitutes, cops, and the 100-ounce daiquiri.
Dec 11, 2010

A Basic History of the Great State of West Virginia
I feel the need to dispel the misconceptions about the theme of what was once my favorite John Denver song and currently the state that I call home. Please enjoy a basic history of the great state of West Virginia.
Nov 7, 2010