Michael Winston

School

Brock University

Class of

2009

Hometown

Omicron Persei 8

At a Glance

I am a huge nerd. But not the smart kind that makes money inventing new internets, the kind that has no friends. Sometimes I see funny things or are involved in ridiculous situations, so I write about them. This is an impressive feat for someone who can't read.

Bio

Born on a desert planet orbiting two suns. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.

Comedy Articles


My First Day at Prison
I will never forget my first day at Kingston Penitentiary. It didn't take more than a second or two for my fears to be validated, as inmates started pointing and whistling at me.
Sep 18, 2012


How to Create an Enticing Online Dating Profile (Female Edition)
I submit to you ladies a list of suggestions to streamline the online dating process so we men don't have to resort to dating multiple people while trying to find you.
Aug 13, 2012


Casino Blue Balls
After gassing up the car and withdrawing the rent, I set out white knuckled on the open road seeking easy fortune and cheap thrills at the nearest casino I could think of.
Jul 22, 2012


The Four Cocksmen of the Rapeocalypse
The lamb with seven horns and seven eyes (and probably seven cocks) is breaking the seals and unleashing the four riders of the Rapeocalypse. Happy is the man who reads this prophetic message.
Jun 8, 2012


The First Ever Honest Dating Profile
I will outline all the terrible attributes that make me a bad person and suggest the underlying psychological reasons why I am perpetually alone. This will save us time I promise.
May 25, 2012


The Painful Reality of Waking Up Hungover on a Work Day
I wake up to the fifth and final alarm set on my cell phone: 10:45am. I have to be at work in 15 minutes, where the fuck am I and why is there no god?
Apr 26, 2012


How to Ruin Music in 12 Easy Steps: Madonna's MDNA Album
I used to really enjoy listening to music until I heard Madonna's new album "MDNA." Every fucking song on this record sounds the same: terrible.
Apr 15, 2012


How NOT to Order at a Sit-Down Restaurant
If you participate in one or more of the following 8 actions or behaviors, you are a monster, and you are cordially invited to eat fast food for the rest of your pathetic life.
Mar 23, 2012


The Uncomfortable Luxury of Fitness Clubs
I would gladly exercise if it weren't for my burning hatred of physical activity, compounded by the wretchedness of the fitness club environment.
Oct 22, 2011


The Stages of Facebook Withdrawal
They say the first step to recovery is the admission of a problem. Well here it is, and here I am: I am addicted to Facebook. The following are the insurmountable consequences of trying to quit.
Jul 31, 2011


Fuck the Kids: Confessions of a Crotchety Codger
The world around us is going to shit and yet we choose to ignore the sleeping giant that will one day destroy everything we know and love. I am talking about the young people of today, the Internetters.
Jun 14, 2011


Canada: Still a Democracy, Barely
Stephen Harper's majority government has been running Canada for over two weeks now and I’m still using the metric system, so I guess the world didn't really come to an end.
Jun 2, 2011


A Blog About Every Topic Bloggable
I was searching for topics that people usually blog about when I came upon this list. So I decided to blog about everything. Strap yourself in, it’s about to get universal in here.
Apr 22, 2011


The #2 Guide to Public Washrooms
Public washrooms and the wilderness have a lot in common. They are both uncomfortable, scary, and teeming with microorganisms. Luckily, you have toilet paper on your side.
Apr 4, 2011


Restaurants are People, Too
A realistic assessment of you, the asshole customer, from the perspective of the most under-appreciated people in a restaurant, the kitchen staff.
Mar 2, 2011


Acceptable Faggotry
Homosexuality fascinates me. It's right for all the right reasons and only wrong in the eyes of the Lord our Savior, Amen. Unfortunately, being gay is not a choice.
Jan 26, 2011


What Points in Case Means to Me
My name is Michael and although I have only been part of the PIC community for 1/20th of its existence, I already feel like part of the family.
Jan 10, 2011


How to Find That Asshole Who's Not on Facebook
The following is a simple tutorial on how to reconnect with old acquaintances who refuse to participate in our era of rapid digital communication and constant connectivity.
Dec 28, 2010


Greatness Thrust Upon Me
Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone?
Dec 6, 2010


Dear Call of Duty: Black Ops, Thank You
Dear Call of Duty: Black Ops, I have taken this precious time away from PwNz0R1ng N3Wb5 to write these words in the hopes of conveying my enormous appreciation for everything you represent.
Nov 13, 2010


I Hope They Don't Show "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" in Hell
No physical pain or psychological embarrassment can compare to the discomfort and agony caused by watching the worst movie ever made, in my personal pseudo-Hell.
Nov 4, 2010


The Worst of Back to School
By the beginning of the fall semester, or 'cunting season,' the prospect of going out on a Friday night seems like a chore. Eventually, everyone plays right in to their stereotype.
Oct 19, 2010


The Glory of King Tut
Arbitrary waiting has become my drug. I feed my addiction by going to grocery stores and lining up without anything to purchase. Sometimes when I'm really hurting I go and camp out for the next Harry Potter movie.
Oct 1, 2010


Habitat for Inhumanity
I don't claim to be the cleanest person on the block, but I do believe in a basic minimum inalienable standard of acceptable human living conditions. And Shanty Town doesn't qualify.
Sep 19, 2010


How to Be the Worst Drive-Thru Customer Ever
I make minimum wage at a dead end job. Part of my job includes interacting with you. This means my job fucking sucks. Here's how you can make it worse.
Sep 5, 2010


My Mother's Guide to Moving
Lesson #5: Once progress has been made, bring any momentum to a halt with breaks, even though you've only been standing for 23 mins and accomplished nothing in that short time.
Jul 18, 2010


Which is More Fake, Soccer Injuries or Porno Orgasms?
Imagine how stupid you would look if you fell on the ground flailing and crying, accusing a guy 20 meters away from you of foul play. The same goes for sex.
Jun 23, 2010