Dirty Painties are back. For now.

By Jayceon Taylor

Hey, you guys. Lately I've been sensing just a wee bit of confusion about whether I'm a heterosexual or a homosexual. Well, I thought I'd take this moment and clear the air for anybody that's still wondering:

Jayceon is all about the ladies! Read More »

Recently, my baby-faced Asian pal, KC "Krazy Casey" Freeman wrote his always entertaining series of questions. It's titled Just Curious. You should totally read it and answer his questions. Read More »

(For reference) 

I respect and encourage your beliefs. Read More »

So apparently Halloween is less than a week away. And, in true X fashion, I have yet to find a costume idea.

Any help is appreciated. Comments/emails would be awesome.

If I choose your idea, you get a free signed copy of my book! Right now it's just a collection of used Wendy's napkins with bizarre smiley faces written on them, but signed. Read More »

When they see me on the corner they might not know what it is I do
Well I purchase pharmaceuticals wholesale to resell to you
Yeah I have narcotics
(fancy word for druggy stuff)
Some of them go in your vein
I do it for financial gain
You do it for financial gain?
Mostly for financial gain
Which I can use to purchase things Read More »

Original, for reference: Read More »

31. Not being imaginative enough: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

Ok, first of all, what kind of weirdo are you? Vegetables are ok, but no candle wax? Read More »

16. Undressing prematurely: Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

I don't know what kind of weenies you date, but where I come from, an eyeful of my scrotum equals orgasm number one and it should happen as soon as possible. Read More »

As some of you might have figured out, I'm black. The more clever among you might have figured out that Paul Frank is, in fact white. Apparently, however, Paulie Nonuts is still processing this. In the form of sending me something like 20 text messages in the past couple days. Read More »

1. Not kissing first: Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour, and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

Kissing is for eighth graders. Seriously, it's all they blabber about. Read More »

I'm full of vitriol. The sort of aimless, unfocused vitriol that leads people to strangle stuffed animals for looking at them funny. You might call me a misanthrope, to which I would only say, "real cool Mr. Latin roots. Too good to say peoplehater? You make me sick." Here, in no particular order with no real purpose, is a list of groups currently worthy of massive derision.
Read More »

I don't understand them.

No really, I don't understand them. Like, what are the mechanics? Do I just eat the underwear and keep eating? Do I take them off and just stuff the whole thing in my mouth like a ball? Read More »

The title isn't a ploy to get you to read this. I assure you that you actually don't care at all about what I'm writing. It's mostly inane sports ramblings with only the most fleeting flirtations with relevance or interest. Considering how few and far between these nuggets of salience are, the only logical conclusion is that they are accidental.

Lets move on. Read More »

Characters:

A mild-manned and unassuming celebrity billionaire playboy and philanthropist by day and early evening, Brian Payne is virtually unknown except to his family, a few close friends, and a large portion of the rest of the world. Read More »