College Quotes
Guy 1: Man, I'm so sore.
Guy 2: What'd you do?
Guy 1: I carried a bear out of the woods last night, man.
Guy 2: Get out of here.
Guy 1: Naw, man, I'm serious, went hunting with my buddy and had to heave that thang outta the woods so it's mama wouldn't find it and come kill me.
-Two guys overheard discussing their weekend outside the student center
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How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Limbic System)
By Q May 28, 2009The Limbic System, known for being the most easily pronounceable part of the brain, includes the nucleus accumbens and hypothalamus, known for making your penis get bigger. They are also responsible for every male who reads past this opening paragraph. Read More »
Guys' Night Out Rating Scale (1-5 Stars)
By Q May 13, 2009When guys have a night off from work and the opposite sex, they sometimes like to stay in and watch a movie. I sincerely hope you are not one of those guys.
1-Star Night Read More »
Hangover Rating Scale (1-5 Stars)
By Q May 7, 2009Tired of waking up and exclaiming, "I am fucking HUNGOVER, bro"? Of course you are! You should be telling the girl you picked up some lie about work/school/playoffs and getting the fuck out of there! Read More »
The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk, Part Deux
By Q April 23, 2009« Back to The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk
(Clever intro)
(Flawless transition)
5. Middle of the Quad, Half-Naked, Hospital Bracelet Intact
The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk
By Q April 16, 2009Waking up on your bedroom floor? No big deal, you fell out of bed. Waking up on the couch? Whatever, you passed out. Waking up next to a hobo under the Fremont Bridge with your wallet in the crotch of your boxers?
Yeah, you fucked up.
Here goes—numbers 10 through 6. Read More »
When Fucked-Up Things Happen to People Who Kind of Deserve It
By Q April 2, 2009Question: When is it OK to inflict harm upon another? Read More »
Drunken Suggestion Box: Beer, Liquor, Friday Night and Penis
By Q March 27, 2009| Beer's Suggestion Box |
Beer,
You make me pee too much. One time I had to pee so bad I peed inside a girl while having sex. Peeing with a boner sucks. Read More »
Police Don't Take Kindly to Attempted Hoboslaughter
By Q March 11, 2009Sophomore year in college TheBlueDragon worked at the Seattle Waterfront Marriott delivering room service and taking naps in vacant rooms. Occasionally he'd get fucked into working the weekend morning shift at 6:00am where he got the pleasure of waiting outside rooms for ten minutes holding a pot of coffee as businessmen hustled their hookers into the closet. Read More »
Equal Rights: An Inspiring Story of One Man's Fight for Women's Equality
By Q March 6, 2009Penne is at a bar with his friend Blotch, when he is approached by an enormously unattractive girl. A girl that has fallen off the ugly tree, gotten hit by the fat bus, attacked by the pimple wolves and then mauled by the gnomes of unproportional facial features. She is so ugly that Blotch literally starts laughing as she approaches and has to leave the table. Read More »
Cold Beer in Cans (A Dr. Seuss Collaboration)
By Q February 26, 2009A Posthumous Collaboration by Dr. Seuss and Q
After I read the poem below aloud, listeners/fucktards sometimes ask me, "Alex, does this follow the Green Eggs and Ham format to a T? Or did you change some formatting around to make it work?" The embalming fluid practically spews from Geisel's ears in frustration, but I manage to calm him. Read More »
Why Vincent Van Gogh Cut Off His Ear
By Q February 18, 2009I...am about...to blow your mind.
If you're lucky, I might even deep-throat, but it'll cost you an extra $20.
It's common knowledge that Vincent Van Gogh was a brilliant painter, had an abnormally large forehead, and was out-of-his-fucking-mind crazy.
Or was he? Read More »
The Medulla Oblongata: Your Brain's Penis
By Q February 12, 2009Made famous by that one scene in The Water Boy where Adam Sandler tackles his professor, the Medulla Oblongata is responsible for several major autonomic functions of the body. What does autonomic mean? The Encyclopedia Britannica tells us it means "to control homeostasis," which if put into layperson language means "looks like an alien's dick." Read More »
Beware the Charging Ram
By Q February 5, 2009"Here's to watching the sunrise...not because we got up early, but because we stayed up all god damn night." — 2008 Summer Motto
Prelude Read More »
Wasted Opportunities
By Q January 28, 2009Alcohol can do many things: increase confidence, get you laid, corrode your liver, and make boring people interesting. But did you know it could aid in eternal salvation, save endangered species, and protect otherwise-bludgeoned hobos?
That's fucking right you didn't. Read More »
New Book on Drinking Games is "The Shit," Report Old White Guys in Lab Coats
By Q January 22, 2009CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a study released earlier this week, social scientists from Harvard University found that when healthy individuals between the ages of 18 and 32 read more than three chapters of The Imbible they "laughed their fucking asses off." Read More »
Dear Evolution, I Have Some Important Questions
By Q October 7, 2009
Dear Evolution,
I know we've been through a lot together, from slime to monkeys to Canadians to humans, but I still have a few gripes to settle with you.
1. First of all, if we just need to have them taken out, why the fuck did you give us wisdom teeth? Shouldn't they have evolutionized their way out of our DNA by now? Read More »
24 Hours in the Life of a Neurotic Humor Writer
By Q November 24, 2008
8:00am: Turn off girlfriend's alarm.
8:05: Watch girlfriend eat cereal; potential column about differences in male/female chewing patterns pops into head.
8:10: Fall back asleep as girlfriend goes to shower. Read More »
I'm Here for the Gang Bang
By Q October 2, 2008
It was Halloween, and TheAntelope could not be more excited. Every costume imaginable was there with the word "slutty" in front of it. Nurse? Slutty nurse. Fireman? Slutty fireman. Slut? Slutty slut. Hundreds of people thrilled that they finally had an excuse to dress like a whore and get away with it. Sluts were everywhere.
Including the laundry room. Read More »
Six Everyday Conversations Under Alcohol-Induced Honesty
By Q September 10, 2008
Everyone lies. Whether it's cheating or stealing or filling your water cup with Mountain Dew and giggling stupidly in the corner of Taco Bell, everybody lies.
Except while drunk. Read More »
How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Cerebellum)
By Q August 6, 2008
In Latin, "cerebellum" means "little brain," but seeing as though something as small as the tip of your dick is more or less the source of all pleasure in the world, being "little" doesn't mean a whole lot. Read More »
Party Barge: The True Story of Noah's Ark
By Q July 21, 2008
The tale of Noah's Ark is as widely known as a story that includes the destruction of all mankind and a 135-meter boat filled with animal poo. But, like most ancient chronicles of history, its merits are under scrutiny. Read More »
Post-Party Morning After Acronyms
By Q July 9, 2008
Loud noises, bright lights, and Chingy are just about the worst three things you want to deal with the morning after a rager. Fourth, however, is too many fucking syllables. It seems like after each party night, people have the exact same conversations about girls, drinking, and why their hair tastes like spermicide. Read More »
Famous Moments in Alcohol: The Titanic Tragedy
By Q June 30, 2008
To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand where we have come from. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past. We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we may realize that although having a gigantic anchor full of booze may sound like a cool idea, we probably shouldn't use it while crossing the Atlantic Ocean. Read More »
111 Rules of Bar Crashing
By Q June 23, 2008
Like a wedding, a bar is a gathering of people—some family, some friends—all coming together to get drunk and celebrate something that few people really care about. Read More »
Seven Epic Drunk Dials
By Q June 16, 2008
Throughout my feebly short life I've had entirely too much experience drunk dialing. I don’t know what it is about me that makes the idea of ex-girlfriends, Jack-in-the-Box and old hook-ups so enticing at three o’clock in the morning, but even on nights when I tell myself over and over again not to call anyone Read More »
- I suddenly find myself - November 7th, 2009
- 1. When I found out the - October 10th, 2009
- The paragraph about the - September 19th, 2009
- "I still don't talk to - May 12th, 2009
- Well, if you're heading out - April 28th, 2009
- All you're missing is the - April 28th, 2009
- Holy God, that comment had - April 28th, 2009
- Thank you much. I minored - April 28th, 2009
- "Have been dating one of the - April 27th, 2009
- "...only guess how the - April 27th, 2009
- Dude, Casey—haven't you - April 27th, 2009
- This would definitely have - April 24th, 2009
- I often find myself - April 24th, 2009
- That first one--about waking - April 24th, 2009
- Awesome. - April 23rd, 2009
- Ever play a little Hungover - April 23rd, 2009
- Nice to have you back. - April 21st, 2009
- Thank you, thank you. - April 6th, 2009
- Indeed it was, indeed it - April 6th, 2009
- I’ve probably read about - April 4th, 2009
- The Huskies were 0-12 in - April 3rd, 2009
- Thank you, Grendel. Give - April 3rd, 2009
- Or he’s masochistic, and - April 3rd, 2009
- I think it was a day or two - April 3rd, 2009
- Yeah, it was great when - April 3rd, 2009
- Agreed, agreed, and agreed. - April 3rd, 2009
- Thank you, gentlemen. I - March 31st, 2009
- "I also thought about - March 31st, 2009
- Haha, nice--indeed it was - March 14th, 2009
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- I'd wash each sock - January 29th, 2009
- I never thought an article - January 26th, 2009
- Thank you, kind sir. But - January 23rd, 2009
- Hey, don't blame me. I'm - January 10th, 2009
- Ditto. - December 31st, 2008
- Thank you. - December 29th, 2008
- As long as the drink is an - December 26th, 2008
- Excellent suggestion. Maybe - December 18th, 2008
- I wasn’t aware Spokompton - December 6th, 2008
- The Man -- I sometimes - November 27th, 2008
- I think I read this - November 14th, 2008
- Also... Lady Astor: “Sir, - November 2nd, 2008
- I read this earlier today, - October 31st, 2008
- Just like when reading The - October 31st, 2008
- Hemmingway had many a great - October 30th, 2008
- Damn! I knew I forgot some - October 30th, 2008
- Ha, this is awesome. I - October 24th, 2008
- 1A. In my experience, hot - October 24th, 2008
- You forgot making an Excel - October 23rd, 2008
- Dammit! I’ve been trying - October 20th, 2008
- Not sure how we’d judge - October 20th, 2008
- Legitimately awesome. My - October 20th, 2008
- Glad to see The Imbible’s - October 20th, 2008
- I laughed so hard my umbrage - October 14th, 2008
- "This wouldn't happen if you - October 8th, 2008
- Also, I have to admit: when - October 2nd, 2008
- 1B. Pecs. Maybe I bench - October 2nd, 2008
- Haha - it's now showing the - October 2nd, 2008
- 33 uses of the word "fuck" - September 4th, 2008
- Hey conveniently - August 28th, 2008
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- Thank you, thank you, S the - July 15th, 2008
- "Is this what I've got to - July 12th, 2008
- youporn, PIC, youporn. - July 10th, 2008
- I like this piece based - July 10th, 2008
- Incredible. Simply fucking - July 8th, 2008
- Between your drinking, - July 3rd, 2008
- I've always felt Mayor - July 3rd, 2008
- KC (to Organs): Okay, game - July 1st, 2008
- I work at a hospital, and I - June 30th, 2008
- Thank you, thank you. I do - June 30th, 2008
- Thanks man, and - June 30th, 2008
- Well, as long as you don't - June 27th, 2008
- I wouldn't have made as - June 25th, 2008
- For #10, you forgot Drunken - June 25th, 2008
- Anything that makes me lose - June 25th, 2008














