College Quotes
Nina: I could never understand someone robbing an old lady.
Ryan: It's just work, ya know? They have completely different faces, I learned that back when I used to prostitute.
Nina: ...What? You were a prostitute?
Ryan: Yeah, I used to be a prostitute but it was like 5 years ago.
Nina: Umm... so let me get this straight, you were a 15-year-old male prostitute... used to be.
Ryan: Yeah.
Nina: How?
Ryan: I used to finger middle schoolers for like 4 bucks a pop, 6 for fat chicks. And it was a high traffic business too, I had at least 3 regular customers... monthly.
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School: University of Washington
Class of: 2008
Column:
A drunk, R-rated version of Chicken Soup for the Soul from the intoxicating and irreverent mind of a professional frat guy.
How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Limbic System) 0
, 2.5 
Guys' Night Out Rating Scale (1-5 Stars) 0
, 3.8 Hangover Rating Scale (1-5 Stars) 6
, 3.8 The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk, Part Deux 37
, 3.5 The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk 15
, 3.6 When Fucked-Up Things Happen to People Who Kind of Deserve It 19
, 2.2 Drunken Suggestion Box: Beer, Liquor, Friday Night and Penis 4
, 3.4 Police Don't Take Kindly to Attempted Hoboslaughter 1
, 3.0 Equal Rights: An Inspiring Story of One Man's Fight for Women's Equality 2
, 3.0 Cold Beer in Cans (A Dr. Seuss Collaboration) 5
, 3.8 Why Vincent Van Gogh Cut Off His Ear 7
, 2.9 The Medulla Oblongata: Your Brain's Penis 4
, 2.6 Beware the Charging Ram 0
, 2.9 Wasted Opportunities 6
, 2.4 New Book on Drinking Games is "The Shit," Report Old White Guys in Lab Coats 2
, 2.0 13 Fictional Characters and What They Would Do Under the Influence, Round II 3
, 2.8 13 Fictional Characters and What They Would Do Under the Influence 4
, 2.7 Top 10 Lists 8
, 3.0 Ask Mister Drinker Man! 3
, 2.9 Drunk Girl vs. Pregnant Girl 7
, 3.3 Drunken Personality Study: "I Am Not Drunk" Guy 2
, 2.5 Six Everyday Conversations Under Alcohol-Induced Honesty, Round II 1
, 2.3 Birth is Not a Miracle 10
, 3.2 Famous Moments in Alcohol: How the Question Mark was Formed 1
, 1.9 Famous Moments in Alcohol: Why #1 is the Best Even Though It's the Lowest Number 1
, 2.6 Famous Moments in Alcohol: Why Dice Have Six Sides 3
, 2.5 Famous Moments in Alcohol: Awesomely Alcoholic Americans 8
, 2.9 Seven Epic Drunk Dials, Round 2 3
, 2.7 Drunken Drive-Thrus 1
, 3.4
Comedy Articles:
Dear Evolution, I Have Some Important Questions7 comments, 3.9 stars
Dear Evolution, we've been through a lot together, from slime to monkeys to Canadians to humans, but I have a few gripes to settle with you.
24 Hours in the Life of a Neurotic Humor Writer5 comments, 3.4 stars
From 8am cereal to 4am sleeping pills, and every flopping dick, hot girl on a treadmill, and shaken beer in between, it's a minute by minute recap of a day in the life of observational humor on crack.
I'm Here for the Gang Bang10 comments, 3.5 stars
HorseCock stripped down to his bare ass. Everyone at the house stopped partying to watch the spectacle. The practical joke was about to commence...
Six Everyday Conversations Under Alcohol-Induced Honesty6 comments, 3.4 stars
Six conversations college students would have in everyday life if daytime drinking wasn't so heavily looked down upon, from dealing with cops to potential employers.
How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Cerebellum)8 comments, 3.1 stars
Modern research tells us the cerebellum controls cognitive functions like attention, language, and music - 3 key ingredients in getting laid.
Party Barge: The True Story of Noah's Ark1 comments, 3.2 stars
How did Noah gather the animals? How did he feed them all? How did he keep them from reproducing aboard the ship? One answer: BOOZE!
Post-Party Morning After Acronyms9 comments, 3.0 stars
15 acronyms to help shorten the same tired post-party conversations about girls, drinking, and wicked hangovers.
Famous Moments in Alcohol: The Titanic Tragedy7 comments, 2.5 stars
To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand where we have come from. That includes studying the alcoholic tragedy of the Titanic.
111 Rules of Bar Crashing22 comments, 3.3 stars
These are the 111 Definitive Rules of Bar Crashing. Use them wisely. Use them often. Use them well. Use a condom.
Seven Epic Drunk Dials12 comments, 3.6 stars
Seven of the most epic drunk dialing and alcoholic answering stories from Alex Bash. This is why phones need late night lock-outs.
Comments:
- I suddenly find myself nostalgic for a place I never knew. - Nov 7, 2009
- 1. When I found out the tooth fairy had HIV, I stuck to blowjobs. 2. Appar - Oct 10, 2009
- The paragraph about the human CAPTCHA is more clever and funny than pretty mu - Sep 19, 2009
- "I still don't talk to Asians, eat sushi or do calculus after SARS." Brill - May 12, 2009
- Well, if you're heading out to the left coast, hit me up and we'll party! - Apr 28, 2009
- All you're missing is the parrot. And maybe a Curse of the Black Pearl dvd. - Apr 28, 2009
- Holy God, that comment had better be sarcastic. If not, well, it's been a - Apr 28, 2009
- Thank you much. I minored in outdated MS applications. - Apr 28, 2009
- "Have been dating one of the random truck people for two years now." Furth - Apr 27, 2009
- "...only guess how the bubble gum got there." Sloppy blow job from a middl - Apr 27, 2009
- Dude, Casey—haven't you seen previews for the new Terminator movie? You're - Apr 27, 2009
- This would definitely have made my list had I heard it before I typed it up. - Apr 24, 2009
- I often find myself supernaturally strong and physically adept while blacked- - Apr 24, 2009
- That first one--about waking up twenty feet off the ground mostly naked in a - Apr 24, 2009
- Awesome. - Apr 23, 2009
- Ever play a little Hungover Detective and figure it out? - Apr 23, 2009
- Nice to have you back. - Apr 21, 2009
- Thank you, thank you. Embarrassing pseudo-assault is our specialty. Winning - Apr 6, 2009
- Indeed it was, indeed it was. - Apr 6, 2009
- I’ve probably read about 200 of these rants of facebook/MySpace/How-social- - Apr 4, 2009
- The Huskies were 0-12 in 2008. We were not a very happy crowd. Drunk, yes. - Apr 3, 2009
- Thank you, Grendel. Give Beowulf my regards. - Apr 3, 2009
- Or he’s masochistic, and got what he wanted. - Apr 3, 2009
- I think it was a day or two after, but still, the jerk really shouldn’t hav - Apr 3, 2009
- Yeah, it was great when security raced down and we all sort of panicked, but - Apr 3, 2009
- Agreed, agreed, and agreed. And yes, taking a page from the Euro football fa - Apr 3, 2009
- Thank you, gentlemen. I think more of me came out as I got drunker. I actu - Mar 31, 2009
- "I also thought about slamming my head into the wall in order to create chaos - Mar 31, 2009
- Haha, nice--indeed it was Save Yourself. The irony being too obvious to even - Mar 14, 2009
- I am more proud than ever to be half-Australian. ***tear*** So proud. - Mar 6, 2009
- Thank you, Mr. Freeman—I hope Mr. Geisel feels the same (he did, after all, - Feb 28, 2009
- I'd wash each sock individually. - Jan 29, 2009
- I never thought an article that used the phrases "mature women in porn" and " - Jan 26, 2009
- Thank you, kind sir. But the credit should really go to Drs. Jeffery Gaia an - Jan 23, 2009
- Hey, don't blame me. I'm not the one chugging Han Solo's cock. (Darth Vad - Jan 10, 2009
- Ditto. - Dec 31, 2008
- Thank you. - Dec 29, 2008
- As long as the drink is an alcoholic one, I don't think The Imbible will mind - Dec 26, 2008
- Excellent suggestion. Maybe next week. I'll call it "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome - Dec 18, 2008
- I wasn’t aware Spokompton was capable of breeding Onion material. However, - Dec 6, 2008
- The Man -- I sometimes wonder if Mary had a nice ass. Thoughts? Mr. Cain - - Nov 27, 2008
- - Nov 14, 2008
- Also... Lady Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your dr - Nov 2, 2008
- I read this earlier today, and about every 30 minutes or so since then someth - Oct 31, 2008
- Just like when reading The Onion, the title alone made me laugh out loud. - Oct 31, 2008
- Hemmingway had many a great quote regarding booze, but if I followed his advi - Oct 30, 2008
- Damn! I knew I forgot some people/places/events, but Hemmingway?! He’s li - Oct 30, 2008
- Ha, this is awesome. I always knew my sales professor had the KISS acronym s - Oct 24, 2008
- 1A. In my experience, hot girls have been better in the sack, but maybe I jus - Oct 24, 2008
- You forgot making an Excel spreadsheet your screen saver. - Oct 23, 2008
- Dammit! I’ve been trying to appropriately incorporate alcohol, cocaine, ec - Oct 20, 2008
- Not sure how we’d judge the most drunken visitor, but I’d happily sponsor - Oct 20, 2008
- Legitimately awesome. My favorite kind of humor. More! - Oct 20, 2008
- Glad to see The Imbible’s intended outcomes are finally coming to fruition. - Oct 20, 2008
- I laughed so hard my umbrage "denoted" my staid liable. - Oct 14, 2008
- "This wouldn't happen if you didn't wear underpants. How come I always gotta - Oct 8, 2008
- Also, I have to admit: when I first read this, I drew a turkey using my hand. - Oct 2, 2008
- 1B. Pecs. Maybe I bench press too often. 2. Journal of Pediatric Health C - Oct 2, 2008
- Haha - it's now showing the same alcoholism ad, but instead of scientology th - Oct 2, 2008
- 33 uses of the word "fuck" in one form or another...I'm (*tear*) so proud...s - Sep 4, 2008
- Hey conveniently Anonymous, Beirut is a country you visit to meet an untim - Aug 28, 2008
- The problem with comments that don’t warrant a response, is that to let the - Aug 14, 2008
- One of the best things about the internet is its ability to reconfirm how muc - Aug 12, 2008
- I don't think I've ever laughed at every single paragraph in an article, even - Aug 7, 2008
- I tried to pick a few that were my favorite, but they were all too fucking fu - Jul 18, 2008
- There's nothing I'd like to do more, Mr. Freeman. - Jul 17, 2008
- Thank you, thank you, S the D definitely has a way of catching on, thank you, - Jul 15, 2008
- "Is this what I've got to look forward to? Chatting with my boring white-bre - Jul 12, 2008
- youporn, PIC, youporn. - Jul 10, 2008
- I like this piece based soley off the title. - Jul 10, 2008
- Incredible. Simply fucking hilarious. "...and an affinity for ventilation - Jul 8, 2008
- Between your drinking, reading PIC, and hating guys with feelings, I think I' - Jul 3, 2008
- I've always felt Mayor McCheese deserved a greater say in world politics. - Jul 3, 2008
- KC (to Organs): Okay, game time. JUNK: On it. Pure comedy. More! - Jul 1, 2008
- I work at a hospital, and I gotta say the visitor convos were perfectly hilar - Jun 30, 2008
- Thank you, thank you. I do what I can. - Jun 30, 2008
- Thanks man, and unfortunately the iceberg did not jacked the fuck up. Althou - Jun 30, 2008
- Well, as long as you don't look too closely into Rule #37, it's going great! - Jun 27, 2008
- I wouldn't have made as many, but the Wedding Crashers had 111 (at least the - Jun 25, 2008
- For #10, you forgot Drunken Trivia Night Hosted by Thirty Year-Old Guys Who P - Jun 25, 2008
- Anything that makes me lose my excrement is worth $30. - Jun 25, 2008
