The Limbic System, known for being the most easily pronounceable part of the brain, includes the nucleus accumbens and hypothalamus, known for making your penis get bigger. They are also responsible for every male who reads past this opening paragraph. Read More »

When guys have a night off from work and the opposite sex, they sometimes like to stay in and watch a movie. I sincerely hope you are not one of those guys.

1-Star Night Read More »

Tired of waking up and exclaiming, "I am fucking HUNGOVER, bro"? Of course you are! You should be telling the girl you picked up some lie about work/school/playoffs and getting the fuck out of there! Read More »

« Back to The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk

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5. Middle of the Quad, Half-Naked, Hospital Bracelet Intact

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Waking up on your bedroom floor? No big deal, you fell out of bed. Waking up on the couch? Whatever, you passed out. Waking up next to a hobo under the Fremont Bridge with your wallet in the crotch of your boxers?

Yeah, you fucked up.

Here goes—numbers 10 through 6. Read More »

Question: When is it OK to inflict harm upon another? Read More »

Beer,

You make me pee too much. One time I had to pee so bad I peed inside a girl while having sex. Peeing with a boner sucks. Read More »

Sophomore year in college TheBlueDragon worked at the Seattle Waterfront Marriott delivering room service and taking naps in vacant rooms. Occasionally he'd get fucked into working the weekend morning shift at 6:00am where he got the pleasure of waiting outside rooms for ten minutes holding a pot of coffee as businessmen hustled their hookers into the closet. Read More »

Penne is at a bar with his friend Blotch, when he is approached by an enormously unattractive girl. A girl that has fallen off the ugly tree, gotten hit by the fat bus, attacked by the pimple wolves and then mauled by the gnomes of unproportional facial features. She is so ugly that Blotch literally starts laughing as she approaches and has to leave the table. Read More »

A Posthumous Collaboration by Dr. Seuss and Allen Waters

After I read the poem below aloud, listeners/fucktards sometimes ask me, "Allen, does this follow the Green Eggs and Ham format to a T? Or did you change some formatting around to make it work?" The embalming fluid practically spews from Geisel's ears in frustration, but I manage to calm him. Read More »

I...am about...to blow your mind.

If you're lucky, I might even deep-throat, but it'll cost you an extra $20.

It's common knowledge that Vincent Van Gogh was a brilliant painter, had an abnormally large forehead, and was out-of-his-fucking-mind crazy.

Or was he? Read More »

Made famous by that one scene in The Water Boy where Adam Sandler tackles his professor, the Medulla Oblongata is responsible for several major autonomic functions of the body. What does autonomic mean? The Encyclopedia Britannica tells us it means "to control homeostasis," which if put into layperson language means "looks like an alien's dick." Read More »

"Here's to watching the sunrise...not because we got up early, but because we stayed up all god damn night." — 2008 Summer Motto

Prelude Read More »

Alcohol can do many things: increase confidence, get you laid, corrode your liver, and make boring people interesting. But did you know it could aid in eternal salvation, save endangered species, and protect otherwise-bludgeoned hobos?

That's fucking right you didn't. Read More »

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a study released earlier this week, social scientists from Harvard University found that when healthy individuals between the ages of 18 and 32 read more than three chapters of The Imbible they "laughed their fucking asses off." Read More »

Dear Evolution,

I know we've been through a lot together, from slime to monkeys to Canadians to humans, but I still have a few gripes to settle with you.

1. First of all, if we just need to have them taken out, why the fuck did you give us wisdom teeth? Shouldn't they have evolutionized their way out of our DNA by now? Read More »

8:00am: Turn off girlfriend's alarm.

8:05: Watch girlfriend eat cereal; potential column about differences in male/female chewing patterns pops into head.

8:10: Fall back asleep as girlfriend goes to shower. Read More »

It was Halloween, and TheAntelope could not be more excited.  Every costume imaginable was there with the word "slutty" in front of it.  Nurse?  Slutty nurse.  Fireman?  Slutty fireman.  Slut?  Slutty slut.  Hundreds of people thrilled that they finally had an excuse to dress like a whore and get away with it.  Sluts were everywhere.

Including the laundry room. Read More »

Everyone lies. Whether it's cheating or stealing or filling your water cup with Mountain Dew and giggling stupidly in the corner of Taco Bell, everybody lies.

Except while drunk. Read More »

In Latin, "cerebellum" means "little brain," but seeing as though something as small as the tip of your dick is more or less the source of all pleasure in the world, being "little" doesn't mean a whole lot. Read More »

The tale of Noah's Ark is as widely known as a story that includes the destruction of all mankind and a 135-meter boat filled with animal poo.  But, like most ancient chronicles of history, its merits are under scrutiny. Read More »

Loud noises, bright lights, and Chingy are just about the worst three things you want to deal with the morning after a rager. Fourth, however, is too many fucking syllables. It seems like after each party night, people have the exact same conversations about girls, drinking, and why their hair tastes like spermicide. Read More »

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand where we have come from. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past.  We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we may realize that although having a gigantic anchor full of booze may sound like a cool idea, we probably shouldn't use it while crossing the Atlantic Ocean. Read More »

Like a wedding, a bar is a gathering of people—some family, some friends—all coming together to get drunk and celebrate something that few people really care about. Read More »

Throughout my feebly short life I've had entirely too much experience drunk dialing. I don’t know what it is about me that makes the idea of ex-girlfriends, Jack-in-the-Box and old hook-ups so enticing at three o’clock in the morning, but even on nights when I tell myself over and over again not to call anyone Read More »