Brothers and sisters of the community, I'm here to lay down the Word of Tyrone and bring joy unto the masses. Thus, I've secured this fashionable weblog, with Pastor Sullivan's blessing, because writing once a week isn't enough for an insomniac that puts “early riser” on his roommate compatibility forms.
Let's break the ice by listing my favorite movies. Everyone loves movies, and according to Facebook, a person's collection of “Favorite Movies” is a good indicator of whether or not you should “friend” them. So to start, my favorite movie is Army of Darkness, seconded by Starship Troopers, thirded by Doom. If you're a woman and you don't like any of these fine cinematic adventures, I don't want to know you.
Even if you look like Hannah Hilton, sorry.
If you're a man and don't like any of these movies, go to Hell. You're not a real man.
It was my father that introduced me to video games, specifically Wolfenstein 3-D, the grandfather of all first-person shooters. I was eight at the time, and nothing scared me more than to open a door in the game and hear a room full of blue-clad SS troopers shout and fire their guns at me.
My father caught onto this, and he began hiding behind corners and doors around our real-life house, jumping out and shouting those same in-game epithets to purposely scare the shit outta' me. I was eight, for God's sake. I didn't need to sneak out and watch horror movies at “the cool kid's” house. I had my dad, hiding at the top of our stairs, giggling with delight as he listened for my innocent little feet going clomp-clomp-clomp up the steps late at night with the lights off.
I still have a nervous habit of sprinting around corners to knock over any would-be ambushers.
Moral of the story? Early childhood is the perfect time to scare your children into submission so they don't grow up to be pornstars or business majors.
Amen.