>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
May 16, 2007

Inspired by The Dude and Lady Jane

Writing a running log vs. the iTunes Random Play Machine: What I like to call “The Nick Gaudio Sketch-Comedy Rock Show” (where he participates in a disoriented, yet awesome state of jubilation and clever mockery!).

Hey there out there rockstars, it's 12:54 AM in the Tristate area of West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maryland. That means it’s time to jam out with NG Hatfield, internet badass; also known as me, your host.

Yeah, now that we're ready to start a looooong non-stop hour of classic soft rock, let’s well… let’s fucking start.

First we have Todd Ryugen’s pussy show of manliness with his awesome song (I like and don’t tell anybody about): “Hello, it's me.”

A little classic soft rock for you rockstars out there at Tri-County Rentals, thanks for callin’ in. But first, a word from our sponsor: Outback Steakhouse.


(plays tape: gay Outback commercial)

(stops tape)


“Boston's More Than a Feeling may go down as pure fucking love.”

Now on with Todd Ryugen's “G'dady mates, it's me!”


THAT 70S SHOW PLAYED THIS SONG AFTER DONNA AND ERIC KISSED.

Oh, soothing.
….


And now. We've got a special song for a little gal named Anetta in Oregon. Poison.
Every Rose.

Has it's thorn.


(starts tape)


I love this guitar solooooooooooooooo… ooooooo.ooo.o.oo.o. oo.o.ooooooooooooooo. oooooooo.o.oo.o..oo .o.oo.oo.oo.o.o. oooooooooooooo. oooooo. ooooooooooooooooo. oo.ooo.o.o.ooo.o.oo.o.o……………

That was a long ass guitar solo for sure, oh Christ this part… AND TO SEE YOU CUTS ME LIKE A KNIFE
OH OH
OH OH

(stops tape)


I can't help but get into that song.

Number three tonight is Slaughter's classic hit “FLY TO THE ANGELS.” About a number 6 or so on my top ten favorite songs of all time. Yep.
Yep. Let's play it.


(starts tape)



Ohhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaahhh ROCK AND ROLLLLLL.
WHOA OH OH OHOHOH YOU'VE GO TO FLYYYYY
FLYYY TO THE ANGELS.
ALLL THE STARS IN THE NIGHT
GLADLY SCREAM? YOUR NAME?
…nanananana

(stops tape)


We're going to miss you too Slaughter. We're going to miss you too.

Next on our list is the Classic Rock Band, Cheap Trick. Famous for their original smash hit (in Japan), “I want you to bone me” I mean “want me.”

Nahhh, I'm just razzin 'em. Cheap Trick's guitarist (who I don't know and should research but won't).


(starts tape)



AFTER ALL THE RAIN
I WILL BE THE FLAMMMME
I WILL
BE
THE FLAAMMMMMMMMMMME.

(stops tape)


I think what I’ll play next is near and dear to me. It keeps me warm as life goes colder.

(In my life, there’s been heartache and pain. I don’t know if I can face it again, can’t stop now. I’ve traveled SO FAR to change THIS lovely LIFE): “I want to know what love is.”


(starts tape)

God the first parts of this song are so awesome.

A little key-board. ac-tion.

(stops tape)


Hold on, while I rub the goddamned tears from these eyes! These eyes.

Okay to liven the night up we’ve got an interesting display of Bonnie Tyler and some fucking loser who never made it either. Yet, I love it. I love it like a child.

Turn around bright eyes, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”


(starts tape)

I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER. IF YOU ONLY HOLD ME TIGHT. WE’LL BE HOLDING ON FOR-EVER….

…she’s going tooo fasssssssssst.

….

dark…

sparks!…

tonight!…

forever’s gonna start tonight!

Total eclipse of the heart…

(stops tape)


Okay enough with these sappy songs, iTunes has got to choose better songs randomly. Fucking Apple computers and Apply owners… they’re so fucking smug.

(I’m not bitter!)

Next we’ve got Def Leppard’s classic statement about romance; Love Bites.

Well if Love bites, Lust barks. And I’m a yappy little Pomeranian mix breed.


(plays tape)

Love bites, love bleeds!

Vaginas bite, Vaginas bleed.

Are you somewhere?

(stops tape)


The National Valentine’s Day song there …well, at least it was in 1983… from… the boys… with a total… of 7… arms?

Gross dude.

What is this?!

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

It’s time for iTunes to make me feel in the mood to live again. Boston’s “More Than a Feeling,” a song that may go down in the ages as the way we, the humans of 2007, see pure fucking love.


(starts tape)

I see my Mary Anne walkin’ awa-ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy… get UP THERE motherfucker. I sure as hell wish you didn’t off yourself. R.I.P. Brad Delp

…trash on it

…trash on it.

…trash on it-it.

…and it’s over.

(stops tape)


Boy do I feel like ice cream now. I can’t get fucking ice cream now, though. Because I’m doing this.

Ah yes, well this song will soothe me. “When I’m With You” by Sherriff. A song made for any motherfucker out there in a long distance relationship. Good luck there buddy.


(starts tape)

….

I’m pretty sure this is best remembered in the scene where Brandy gets off the horse in Joe Dirt…

Mag-ni-fique

(stops tape)


And so the magical iTunes randomly gives me another great song. Is it fucking with me? Is it really fucking with me? I haven’t heard this song since my papa beat me down in Mississippi. Drinkin’ whiskey, I was. Drivin’ a truck cross the border. Wishing my daddy love me. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young(?)’s “Old Man Take a Look at my Life.”


(starts tape)

I really don’t know how to comment on this song, but I dig it. Very soothing and whatnot.

strum strum strummmm

(stop tape)


I didn’t want to say goodbye to this song. A band who has been sorely underrepresented: Journey. Ohhhh, ohhh, it’s not about the city. Ohhh, oohh, it’s not about Sherry. Ohhh, Ohhh, it’s one of their less popular songs…

“Send Her My Love”


(starts tape)

I wonder if Journey is underrated by experts and overrated by regular people at the same time. It doesn’t matter though; they fucking rock (sometimes).

(stops tape)


Next, thank fucking Christ. The greatest rock ‘n roll band of all time. Guns N Roses. Axl Rose’s cover of Bob Dylan’s classic hit had panties flying; it’s “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.”


(starts tape)

I want to type this out, in the honor of GNR but I’ve already missed the first verse and chorus. Nice long guitar solo here gives me time to type this. Let’s try the second verse and the chorus… this is gonna hurt:

Mama put my guns in the ground
I can’t shoot them anymore
That cold black cloud is comin’ down
Feels like I’m knockin on heaven’s door
knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door
hay hay hay hayahahaha
knockin on heaven’s doooo-oooor
knockin ON HEAVEN’S DOOR
KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN’S DOOR
oh yeah
door ooor ooooooorrrr
yeah yeah yeah.

Fuckin right. I can play guitar hero on this keyboard.

….CELEBRATE WITH A SOLO, SLASH.

BAM BAM BAMBMBM…

oh yeah I like this phone call part.

finish it up Axl dude.

(dramatically stops tape)


Alright it’s 1:52 A.M. right now and barring one bathroom break where this playlist stopped, we’re about on time for one last song…

Another Journey classic. And it’s about the city.

When the lights go down, at the end of the NG Hatfield rock show, we all love to party.

Keep it around for Nate DeGraaf’s “What’s Eeking Me SLIGHTLY Today”:


(starts tape)

Get those lighters out kids.

Light ‘em up. This thing is almost done. No encores tonight.

Now wave. Now wave. Now waaa-avvvvve.

(stops tape)


Oh but then it plays one more Journey song…

“Girl Can’t Help It”


(starts tape)

If she showwww him, the letter her heart. Forgot. To send.

WHY?

You live the dreams on their own. They never stop running.

Just listen and appreciate man.

Just listen and appreciate.

(stops tape)


Court check the time on this one, I want to make sure people believe this son-of-batch they call NG Motherfucking Hatfield.

Yum yums, tum tums. Bum bums, why not put it right here: 2:01 AM.

Or, check my last.fm.

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