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Valentine's Day is here, and for those of you who will be spending
this most hateful of holidays drinking Bleach Schnapps and jumping
off fire escapes, I offer you a guide to making the opposite sex a
touch more approachable. After all, nobody knows what makes women
tick, except for me apparently.
(By the way, this column is devoted to David DeAngelo, a writer for
Bullz-Eye.com, who offers spectacular e-books for single men looking
for tips on picking up women...because as we all know you can
unravel just about any mystery with a goddamn e-book. That's how I
found religion.)
Chapter 1: The Look
A lot of men think they need to look like one of those metro tampons
to get ladies. That's not true. Here's what you need: 1. Brass
knuckles. 2. A blood stain somewhere in plain sight. Chicks love
brass knuckles and blood stains, because they love psychos. How many
of you know a dude who's a bit off his rocker? You know, you run up
the score against him at Madden and he turns around and kills a bus
driver? That guy. This tempered bastard is the ultimate ladies man.
Girls love the idea of a man just randomly flipping out and going
ape on the world. It's excitement. Don't let domestic abuse suits
fool you. They love it.
Chapter 2: The Attitude
Women don't really care about personality. They say they do. They
lie. The
key to attracting a woman with your
personality is to have none whatsoever. When she's talking about,
God I don't know...shoes, visibly yawn in her face. They love that,
now they have to change something about themselves. And if you think
I'm lying, read some chick mag. Every page is about change. It's
constructive criticism, and it drives them wild.
Chapter 3: The Sensitive Side
A lot of guys think sensitivity is the key to being with a woman,
and they are right. Girls love sensitive guys. And not just "will
listen to my PMS diatribes" sensitive. Want proof? Start crying
during movies. Even movies that aren't sad. "Boo hoo, I didn't think
Bruce Willis would ever get out of the building, pass me a tissue."
They'll go crazy. Whine and bitch about every facet of life,
regardless of how menial. Have a Stallone-at-end-of-first-Rambo
tearfest when you find out you're out of the brown mustard and only
have yellow. I'm telling you, break out the tears and her clothes
will come flying off.
Chapter 4: The Sense of Humor
Girls always claim sense of humor is top priority with a man. If you
believe that, I've got some ski lodge reservations in Mexico City to
sell you. But you should at least be mildly amusing, like that "Two
and a Half Men" show. Somewhere between a mild chuckle and a funeral
should get the ladies going. And what sense of humor you do show,
make sure it's utterly demented. Just real fucked up, Todd Solondz
style humor. Hang her cat in effigy and laugh like crazy. Again,
women love psychotics.
Chapter 5: Words to Avoid
This is key. You ever
say something to a woman, and she
looks at you like that guy in "Scanners" right before his brain blew
up? You've confused her. Now tread lightly, because women are much
slower than SAT scores and sitcom wives might suggest. Such words to
avoid are "apology," "common sense," and "pay". Experiment with
this. Tell a woman: "You owe me an apology for not having common
sense enough to pay for your dinner." But wear a faceguard.
Chapter 6: In the Bedroom
Years of playing the home version of Whack-A-Mole have taught me
that the best way to sexually satisfy a woman is not even think
about her. Concentrate on number one. Make sure you bust, and as
soon as you bust it's over. Don't wait around for her to finish like
her orgasm is the number 9 bus back home to Palmsville. It's all
about you.
Study these tips, and watch your sex lives unfold like a retarded
boy making origami.
And for those of you who think I'm full of shit, and stuck around
for the rest of the column anyway, congratulations, I just got rid
of a lot of competition. You can thank me later.
Happy Stupid-Ass Valentine's Day.
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