>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
February 14, 2005

Valentine’s Day is here, and for those of you who will be spending this most hateful of holidays drinking Bleach Schnapps and jumping off fire escapes, I offer you a guide to making the opposite sex a touch more approachable. After all, nobody knows what makes women tick, except for me apparently.

(By the way, this column is devoted to David DeAngelo, a writer for Bullz-Eye.com, who offers spectacular e-books for single men looking for tips on picking up women…because as we all know you can unravel just about any mystery with a goddamn e-book. That’s how I found religion.)

Chapter 1: The Look
A lot of men think they need to look like one of those metro tampons to get ladies. That’s not true. Here’s what you need: 1. Brass knuckles. 2. A blood stain somewhere in plain sight. Chicks love brass knuckles and blood stains, because they love psychos. How many of you know a dude who’s a bit off his rocker? You know, you run up the score against him at Madden and he turns around and kills a bus driver? That guy. This tempered bastard is the ultimate ladies man. Girls love the idea of a man just randomly flipping out and going ape on the world. It’s excitement. Don’t let domestic abuse suits fool you. They love it.

Chapter 2: The Attitude
Women don’t really care about personality. They say they do. They lie. The key to attracting a woman with your personality is to have none whatsoever. When she’s talking about, God I don’t know…shoes, visibly yawn in her face. They love that, now they have to change something about themselves. And if you think I’m lying, read some chick mag. Every page is about change. It’s constructive criticism, and it drives them wild.

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Chapter 3: The Sensitive Side
A lot of guys think sensitivity is the key to being with a woman, and they are right. Girls love sensitive guys. And not just “will listen to my PMS diatribes” sensitive. Want proof? Start crying during movies. Even movies that aren’t sad. “Boo hoo, I didn’t think Bruce Willis would ever get out of the building, pass me a tissue.” They’ll go crazy. Whine and bitch about every facet of life, regardless of how menial. Have a Stallone-at-end-of-first-Rambo tearfest when you find out you’re out of the brown mustard and only have yellow. I’m telling you, break out the tears and her clothes will come flying off.

Chapter 4: The Sense of Humor
Girls always claim sense of humor is top priority with a man. If you believe that, I’ve got some ski lodge reservations in Mexico City to sell you. But you should at least be mildly amusing, like that “Two and a Half Men” show. Somewhere between a mild chuckle and a funeral should get the ladies going. And what sense of humor you do show, make sure it’s utterly demented. Just real fucked up, Todd Solondz style humor. Hang her cat in effigy and laugh like crazy. Again, women love psychotics.

Chapter 5: Words to Avoid
This is key. You ever say something to a woman, and she looks at you like that guy in “Scanners” right before his brain blew up? You’ve confused her. Now tread lightly, because women are much slower than SAT scores and sitcom wives might suggest. Such words to avoid are “apology,” “common sense,” and “pay”. Experiment with this. Tell a woman: “You owe me an apology for not having common sense enough to pay for your dinner.” But wear a faceguard.

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Chapter 6: In the Bedroom
Years of playing the home version of Whack-A-Mole have taught me that the best way to sexually satisfy a woman is not even think about her. Concentrate on number one. Make sure you bust, and as soon as you bust it’s over. Don’t wait around for her to finish like her orgasm is the number 9 bus back home to Palmsville. It’s all about you.

Study these tips, and watch your sex lives unfold like a retarded boy making origami.

And for those of you who think I’m full of shit, and stuck around for the rest of the column anyway, congratulations, I just got rid of a lot of competition. You can thank me later.

Happy Stupid-Ass Valentine’s Day.