"All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left." - Matthew 25:32 Read More »

I should preface this with the fact that I've had 5 cups of coffee and have only been up for an hour and a half and have no plans to make sense or organize this logically so reading it might make your brain implode but really you should just be grateful that you aren't stuck living in mine.  Read More »

Lately a group of over-Prozaced girls on campus decided to start a campaign to leave positive messages on sticky notes on the stall doors in all of the women's bathrooms. Read More »

I can't remember the last time I left my apartment for something other than class. I've been playing Xbox for the last 9 hours and now I'm sitting in the dark writing about why the Mass Effect 3 controls bug me and eating Froot Loops without milk because I'm too lazy to go to the fridge. I don't know why I'm single. Oh wait. Yes I do. Read More »

I recently found out that I need glasses. Read More »

Sunday

Mild and sunny, with occasional snoring from the guy passed out on the upstairs balcony. Prepare for mid-afternoon bellows after his girlfriend lumbers over to use his phone and discovers naked pictures of her now-former best friend on his phone.

Monday Read More »

Volunteering sucks. I know this because I was in the honors program for all of a year until I deemed it a pointless waste of time, and one of the program's requirements was volunteering—because there is no better way to help a community than by forcing the nerdy kids to feed undercooked gruel to the overcoked homeless. Okay, cool, I need to find somewhere to donate my time. Read More »

I'm home for break, but was told I would have a new neighbor when I came back. I'm mildly excited because he or she is replacing the guy I've not-so-affectionately nicknamed the NRApist. I'm hoping that the awkward hallway conversations with my new neighbor suck less. Read More »

Visits home are a constant censor-fest. I have to pause for a few seconds before I speak to make sure I’m not about to insert an unnecessary but gleeful “fuck” into a sentence.  Swearing is out, but there are 3 words and phrases that are also banned for reasons I’m not entirely sure of. Read More »

My very first pet was a puppy. He was a black lab, and I got him in kindergarten. I named him Bagel, because he looked like one when he curled up in a ball and it made perfect sense to five-year-old me. I was too scared of dropping him to hold him, and then he got really big and energetic and I don't think I actually interacted with him again until I was 9 or 10. Read More »

College apartments are made out of paper, shitty music, and broken glass, but what really makes them suck is the other residents. I've compiled a list of the worst traits of my worst neighbors. The only neighbor who's behavior didn't make the list is the one who got arrested for dealing cocaine because at least she didn't fucking annoy me. Read More »

1. Read HOWL by Allen Ginsberg, and know why having read it makes you superior to the rest of campus. Read More »

Look, when I agreed to get in your van, your sign said you would give me candy and a puppy. Raisinettes aren't candy, they're healthy and disgusting and these taste like you bought them a decade ago. By the way it's rude to offer people candy from your back pocket, because god knows what you've done to it. Also, where is the puppy? Read More »

Going to a beach school means that at least once a year we deal with a hurricane. This year, it happened to get here on the third day of classes, which meant a voluntary evacuation at noon. It seemed pointless to go back home a week after moving in, so I decided rely on my kickass survival skills (read: after years of training, I am capable of opening Pop-Tarts without getting hurt) and stay. Read More »

So, you're a stalker magnet. Way to be stalkable! Now, I know your initial reaction is probably something along the lines of fear or annoyance, but calm down. This isn't about you. Your stalkers work hard to keep tabs on you 24/7. While you lie in your comfy bed dreaming of a world without them, they're 6 inches below your mattress wishing you weren't too cheap to install carpeting and fighting exhaustion to stay awake just to listen to you breathe. Read More »