Captain James Tiberius Kirk, unflappable captain of several Starship Enterprises, developed a reputation throughout the Federation as an intergalactic ladies man extraordinaire. Aside from his sheer numbers of conquests, the astonishing variety of female types and species he was able to bed earned him a sense of awe, and a fair amount of begrudging respect from other high ranking, less laid members of Starfleet.

What is not commonly known, however, is that James T. Kirk was privately referred to as “Captain Herpes” by three quarters of the Admiralty and selected members of the Federation Council, due to the alarming array of alien STDs he contracted seducing females, either for personal enjoyment, or as a tactical advantage in service to his ship.

The following are excerpts from the medical logs of Dr. Leonard McCoy, Enterprise Chief Surgeon, detailing the disturbing venereal diseases endured by Kirk throughout his tenure as master of the Federation’s flagship.

Medical Log, Stardate 4657.5

When aliens, encased in humanoid form, hijacked the Enterprise to return to their home planet of Kelvan in the Andromeda Galaxy, Captain Kirk successfully thwarted the attempt by overloading their senses with new, and unfamiliar stimulation. He humped the bejeezus out of Kelinda, the invaders stunning second second in command, igniting her passions, along with intense jealousy from Rojan, leader of the group.

Although this tactic convinced the aliens to abandon their scheme of intergalactic piracy in favor of a quiet life on a local planet, Captain Kirk contracted a rare form of fulminating trichomoniasis from the encounter.

The symptoms of this particular infection were quite disquieting: five minutes after setting a course to Starbase 4, the Captain began frothing violently from the crotch. The effect was similar to that of of pouring 50 gallons of laundry soap into a high speed industrial washer; the foam, which smelled faintly like old Indian food, quickly filled the bridge, floor to ceiling, causing the near suffocation of Spock, Sulu, Uhura, and others on duty. It was the quick thinking of Engineer Scott, who beamed the bridge crew directly to sick bay where they were treated for uncontrollable vomiting and PTSD, that saved the day.

Kirk himself was treated with a hypo of cordrazine, a course of stimulants, and three months in suspended animation, to spare him the maddening scrotal itching common to that condition.

Medical Log, Stardate 5710.5

Aliens attempted to take over the Enterprise once again. This time it was the Scalosians, invisible due to their extreme accelerated state, who commandeered the ship, and captured the Captain. Kirk to his credit, saved the day by seducing and copulating with Deela, Queen of Scalos, and regaining control of the vessel.

Unfortunately, the coupling left Kirk with an infestation of sentient, highly intelligent, pubic lice, which burrowed deep into his urethra, and founded a Liberal Arts University.

Spock was able to modify the transporter to successfully beam Kirk’s campus of crabs directly into the beard of “Kaplach the Gnarly,” Captain of the “Kardashian,” a Klingon Bird of Prey, on patrol in that sector. Spock’s course of action saved the captain from a life of discomfort, but touched off 500 years of savage hostility between the Klingon Empire and the Federation.

Medical Log, Stardate 4272.5

Using MDMA-filled tears, arrogant spoiled brat in a Cleopatra suit, Elaan of Troyius, seduced Captain Kirk, and rode him into meek submission. Although able to subsequently free himself from her spell, the captain suffered not only a shattered pelvis–easily healed with a hypo of cordrazine, and a course of stimulants–but also a case of alien Lymphogranuloma Venereum, the likes I have not seen since interning on street hooker home-world Floppypussy Mu.

The LV progressed into a case of terror-inducing genital elephantiasis, which, somehow, gained self-awareness just as the Enterprise moved into orbit around Gamma Hydra 4. Spock, fortunately, was able to establish communication with the horrible gelatinous neoplasm–formally known as Kirk’s ‘nads–using the Vulcan mind meld, and subsequently beamed it off the ship into the rectum of Captain Kaplach, who, I surmise, was getting pretty fed up with that mishagas….

Medical Log, Stardate 3614.9

After Kirk spent an amorous evening with three green belly-dancers on Argeleus 2, he arrived in sick bay presenting with a case of genital mycoplasmas that simply staggered the mind. The mushroom-like growths had covered the Captain’s nethers were found to contain a highly potent hallucinogenic, which, after sampling, sent me careening into the maw of a psychadelic delirium which lasted six weeks.

Authors Post Script: The mushrooms were subsequently removed by sticking Kirk’s gonads into the ant-matter chamber. However, due to dormant spores in his bloodstream, they regrew at the end of every August. In an attempt to make the best of this uncomfortable recurrence, James T. Kirk volunteered his nad- shrooms to be ritually consumed by dirty space hippies annually at Moon Burning Man.

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