I am the Inept Geneticist
I’m here to tell my tale
Of protocols I don’t follow
When I get your saliva in the mail

The company at which I work
They charge a hefty fee
For our eager customers
To identify their ancestry

I empty all the packages
And put spit in the apparatus
That identifies one’s heritage
And quantifies one’s status

I calculate percentages
And find one’s place of derivation
And send that back to purchasers
Awaiting genetic validation

I am the Inept Geneticist
Though not so inept as cavalier
For I frequently “adjust” results
So clients hear what they want to hear

For everyone just yearns to know
That their existence is germane
That perhaps they are descended
From a king like Charlemagne

Or perhaps they are the heirs of one like
Lincoln, Jefferson or Kennedy
Perhaps they have some Viking
Or Samurai in their identity

I’m inclined to invent percentages
To make you Roman, Spartan or Greek
I’ve found that people do not care
When their genealogy I tweak

I am the Inept Geneticist
Though I’ve had no one complain
When I tell them their great grandma
Was once the queen of Spain

I’ve alerted scores of patrons
They descend from Queen Victoria
And every time I tell them this
It creates a great euphoria

Who’s to say you’re not related
To that guy Albert Einstein?
Why can’t I be creative
With your genetic timeline?

It’s actually pretty likely
Your grandfather was a Czar
It’s probably also probable
Your aunt was Joan of Arc

I am the Inept Geneticist
While inept, not buffoon nor fool
When I analyze the DNA
Contained in the tubes of drool

All my clients are so satisfied
When I send their dossier
Which inexplicably indicates
They’re 25 percent Bouvier

I see their spirits soar as they
Open up their data
And find they have the same genes as
Al Capone or Manuel Noriega

We are all so very certain
That it’s by now axiomatic
That we are all where we are
Because we’re likely aristocratic

I am the Inept Geneticist
While unreliable I do have worth
As I augment the circumstances of
Our clients’ places of birth

What’s the harm in letting someone think,
Who cares if they get spirited,
Believing they have an Aztec forebear
Who built the Teotihuacan pyramid

Perhaps at the banks of the Amazon
Their grandma shot darts from bamboo
Perhaps she once charmed cobras
Somewhere in Kathmandu

We know we came from somewhere else
So let’s make it somewhere more beguiling
So we can feel superior to all of
Those immigrants we like reviling

I am the Inept Geneticist
And I’ve got spare chromosomes aplenty
To tell you that your grandfather was
Babe Ruth or Roberto Clemente

I also have some DNA belonging
To Julius Caesar
I’ll vouch for its authenticity
For I keep it in my freezer

Perhaps I’ll make you sired by
Hudson, Columbus or Magellan
Perhaps your great great grandmother
Hailed from Troy and was named Helen

Perhaps I’ll decide your ancestors
Schoonered over the prairie
Or maybe your great uncle
Once dated Typhoid Mary

I am the Inept Geneticist
I’ll make your uncle be Beethoven
For all these strands of nucleotides
Can surely be unwoven

And reassembled carefully just so
You’ll be a descendant of Gandhi
Or maybe your great aunt could be
Charlotte or Emily Bronte

I make all of this is possible
With just a tinge of some fine tuning
And suddenly you’re someone new
A cousin of Da Vinci or de Kooning

I can make you be related to
Someone cool like Galileo Galilei
I can also make you long lost kin
Of reclusive Harper Lee

I am the Inept Geneticist
Though I have a college degree
I just like letting people think
Their aunt was Sacagawea

And who’s to say that Rosa Parks
Wasn’t aunt to several dozens?
Who’s to say that Benjamin Franklin
Didn’t have millions of cousins?

I can make you be 100 percent Dutch
Like that Van Gogh guy named Vince
I can make you poised for stardom
As kin to Beyonce, Cher or Prince

If you send me your saliva
You know a good surprise awaits
You’ll suddenly be related to
Henry Ford, Steve Jobs or Bill Gates

I am the Inept Geneticist
So send to me your best spitting
And for you I’ll manufacture
A heritage more befitting

I’ll give you a great great uncle
Who signed the Declaration of independence
I’ll fabricate a Civil War veteran
And make you his descendant

I’ll make Winston Churchill be your uncle
I’ll make Amelia Earhart be your aunt
I’ll make your grandpa a general
Like Patton, Sherman or Grant

For if it is one thing I’m sure
No one wants to be just typical
And the welcome we got in America
Is not necessarily reciprocal

I am the Inept Geneticist
And while precision’s not my forte
When you send your spit to me
What I send back will make your day!

I will tell you that you are noble
Kingly (or queenly) and imperial
But most importantly I will let you know
Your existence is not wholly immaterial

I’ll tell you that your DNA suggests
That you are descended from ones majestic
For every so often we need to escape
Our lives and chores domestic

So while you are condemning
Those illegal immigrants in the press
You can tell yourself that you must be
A real duke or real duchess.


Get 10% off The Second City comedy classes with code PIC. Subscribe to our newsletter for new articles.