Observational Humor

Comedy revolving around the people and situations we've all encountered at some point. Commentary, quips, opinions, rants, witticisms and editorials. Submit an article »

Nicholas Hopping's picture

A Modern Report on Old People

Old man hula hooping

Hey, so you know old people? Not for long!! Am I right?!?

...But in all seriousness, my grandfather passed away recently, and it's been very hard on me. He taught me so much, like "righty tighty and lefty loosey." So when I'm operating a faucet like a BOSS, that's all Larry Par. Read More »

Dominic Coats's picture

So Your Daughter's Dating a Muslim Lesbian

Lesbian Muslim women in bed together

Dear Dominic,

When the youngest of my three daughters, Charmander, was 14, she told me she was a lesbian. Being from a small conservative town in Arkansas, this threw me for a loop. My husband and I argued to high Heaven with Charmander for years and years trying to change her mind. It was hard, but eventually we made peace with her lifestyle and learned to love our daughter for who she is. Plus we have two normal daughters so we figure two out of three ain't bad. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

Your Cat Hates You, Guaranteed

Cat with mean face

What's the only difference between a house cat and a Bengal tiger?

A tiger is much less of an asshole.

If a house cat could throw around 230 pounds of muscle, the human race would more than welcome a zombie apocalypse to help with their shitty cat problem. Read More »

Mike Bellinger's picture

Court's a Stupid Name Anyway

Red and white quotation marks inside and outside

Dear "Court,"

Yeah, "Court" who "runs" "Points in Case." Imagine I'm shouting this in your face while really making the quotation marks in the air with my fingers in that obnoxious way they do in America. Read More »

Steve Lewis's picture

Planet Earth: No Vacancy

Planet Earth: No vacancy

It's not really beyond any sort of doubt that the number of people in the world is growing. And despite the seemingly enormous amount of space on Earth—I mean, I can stretch my arms out both ways and everything—there is an awful lot of talk about the fact that there are just too many fucking humans here. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

I Was Good in Bed, Right?

Guy looks up during sex with woman

Can you hear my heaving grunts? Can you feel how slippery my body has become? Don't worry baby, I've got more in the tank. Whether we're in a log cabin, an apartment, or in your incoming nephew's nursery, I can keep the love train rolling. But the truth is, this is more than sex to me. I just want to flop around on you for a while. Read More »

Tim Michaels's picture

Cool, You Dyed Your Hair

Neon pink hair dyed on girl

So you shaved the sides of your head and you dyed the top of your head purple. Congratulations, you are now different! And luckily for you, you're now going to have the love life and popularity you've dreamed of. Now, your biggest worry will be stalkers, people sending you their body parts, and jealous assholes trying to send you anthrax. You are now...officially...hot. Good for you, Miley wannabes. Read More »

Bilal Ahmed Qureshi's picture

Owl Facts

Great Horned Owl

Editor's Note: The following gem of a submission is presented entirely in unedited form. Enjoy.

No doubt Owl is one of the most interesting birds that exist in this universe (excluding any alien birds). If you are an Owls lover then we salute your love for animals, as for loving this animal one have to stay awake in night. This is so because generally owls don't like to follow our 8 to 4 office time and do possess a parallel schedule for eating rats and making weird sounds! Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

It's Monday, And I Want to Fire a Harpoon Gun at Anyone Who's Chipper

Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays. (Office Space)

I'm not a Monday person, and according to Twitter, Gchat, Facebook, and Grindr (?), neither are you. But I loathe to complain about my job and my Monday mornings since my job keeps a roof over my head, which in turn keeps me from having to perform disturbing sexual favors just so I can afford a meal at Rally's. Read More »

Robby Rothfeld's picture

Figuring Out the Origin of the Universe is a Waste of Time & Space

Big Bang Theory + Religion

I count on smart people to make my life easier and protect me from harm. They have their jobs, I have mine. So when smart people waste time on stupid tasks, it doesn't just bother me, it worries me. Read More »

Jerry Landry's picture

I Shop at Target for the Hot Moms

Hot mom pushing a Target cart

Walmart has better prices. Kohl's has better selection. Target has hotter moms. If poetry could also smell like mid-priced perfume, it would be a hot mom shopping at Target. Read More »

Zach Buckner's picture

No, Really, This is Fate We've Been on the Same Subway Before

Girl staring on NYC subway G train

You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt, and you were wearing something that wasn't a DARE shirt, but still somewhat ironic. I think the appropriate word is "kitsch." No bells ringing? Read More »

Leo Handersen's picture

Attention Teenage Terrorists: 72 Virgins are Wildly Overrated

Confused Muslim girl

According to the 72 virgin myth, Muslim martyrs (after whatever barbaric act they may have committed) will go to heaven, where they will have available 72 virgins. I checked the Quran for information about this promising myth, and there is no explanation for the number. Why 72? Read More »

Kerreanna DiMauro's picture

An Open Letter to My OkCupid Stalker

OKC - OkCupid logo

Dear DieselDude91,

How's it going? Remember me? I don't want to brag, but you checked out my OkCupid profile every day for months before finally messaging me with "wink...wink... what's your bra size." Man, you must really detest conventional question marks. Read More »

Mike Bellinger's picture

Hey You, Give Me a Job

Burger King paper crown hat

Look, you. Yes, you! You there, sneering down your considerable nose at me. I SNEER RIGHT BACK. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I deserve a job. I'll take literally any job. Admittedly, I might be abusing the already abused word "literally" there, because when I say "any job," I actually mean "not any job." I know, it's confusing, but bear with me. Read More »

Syndicate content