What is wrong with the world today? Do you feel it already? Let me tell you what's wrong: Everything! I don't even know where to start. Science? Inventions? Do you even remember the time when scientists were actually inventing something new? Remember the days when a single guy was able to come up with a light bulb concept? Read More »

This is for all you "I'm a better fan than you are because I was a fan when the team sucked, and I have faith, and I don't give up easily, wah wah wah" people. Get over yourselves. Who are you, the fan police? No one, except others like you, give a shit about your self-seeking interest in pointing out the lesser fans to validate your own devotion to the team, especially the team or team owners. As long as the team is doing well, the owners will make money and the players will make money. It's a business, not Little League; it just happens involve sports too. Fans ultimately pay the players, therefore, when a team doesn't perform, fans can be as disgruntled as they want. Read More »

Gyms are where we go to feel better about ourselves, get healthy and toned, and make us less ashamed when masturbating in front of the mirror. But if you're a noob, or someone who purely does it to stay in shape, some might accuse you of wasting your time. There are rules to follow, after all. Rules set by bigger men. And scary women. Read More »

There are three things I really hate in life: making unprotected left hand turns, Dr. Meredith Grey, and fucking diets. Seriously, I'd rather be stuck in a pack of cyclists going 8 mph on the Autobahn in a Ferrari than diet. I'd rather wear pink polo shirts and frost my tips than diet. Read More »

I've discussed the art of the pregame, both at length online, and minimally ad nauseam in the Twitterverse. But there's something essential that I've overlooked. An idiot's mistake made by someone who once thought they knew how to pregame. Somehow, someway, in my previous ejaculations of cyber-blabber, I've neglected to discuss the "Shower Beer." Read More »

I could write an entire book on political correctness. Unfortunately, people don't read books anymore. Maybe if I put this message on a 30-second commercial during Honey Boo Boo, with a dubstep music bed and flashing bottles of Mountain Dew I could get the retards of America to pay attention for a moment though. Read More »

What is the next level of excess? Well, are you into rum, whiskey, or vodka? What about after it's been poured over the breasts of super models? Then you're in luxury luck, because a German liquor company called G-Spirits is trying to start what I believe will become a new trend. They sell all three liquors, but not until they've cascaded over the enormous bosoms of professionally hot chicks (incidentally, this is also how I like my chocolate milk). Read More »

I have a wife and two beautiful kids. Wait, that's not right. I'm highlighting the word beautiful on the kids but I'm not saying anything about my wife. Let me correct myself. I have a wife and two kids. That's much better. My wife is American and I'm an immigrant from Eastern Europe. Now most of you will think that immigrants in this country have got it going on. Read More »

It's that time of the year again. February makes us remember the range of cruelty and suffering that the world (and especially Americans) put a certain minority through. And of course, we're not talking about black people or Native Americans, we're talking about everyone who's single on and after Valentine's Day. Read More »

I'm not sure if anyone else under the age of 72 watched 60 Minutes the other Sunday, but it featured perhaps the most terrifying expose on the newest threat to humanity: fucking robots...not like, specifically "fucking" robots (sex bots...though they're a threat too I'm sure), but just robots in general, with a "fucking" added for emphasis. Read More »

Game of Thrones has got to be the single most fascinating show on television right now. Not because of the plot or the characters or anything as traditional as those things. No, it's fascinating because no matter how much I stop and think about it, I cannot sum up this show as anything other than, "A bunch of people, mostly assholes, who just stand around talking to each other while wearing fur." Read More »

Well, it's 2013 now, and I'm feeling a little let down. I had hoped that we would be flying around on jetpacks and getting robotic implants or something. (Side note: If Apple ever makes a contact lens computer, I hope they call it the iPatch. Ha. Ha.) I mean, there's a lot of cool stuff out there, but it still feels like the same place. Read More »

Folks, for those of you who may know the heartache (read: the loss of easy sex and sometimes a free dinner) of breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend/insane admirer who used to email how much they wished you would come back to write a little, this one was written for you. For those who have never bothered to wonder why SexyPanties08 doesn't respond to your catcall anymore, this one is not for you. Feel free to stick around anyway; you might find the grammar and spelling errors humorous. Read More »

As we move forward with our human quest to comprehend the many wonders beyond the scope of our Earthly existence, we also look inward and still continue to discover some remarkable aspects of humanity itself. Through research and evolution, we have continued to refine our understanding of the human species and its culture, making important classifications that help distinguish ourselves and provide us with a broader depiction of mankind. And so, I give you, the Butts'n'Betsians. Read More »

Let's get something straight: getting old is awful. Just ask the countless women using buckets full of skin care products or men harvesting the souls of children so that they can live forever (*cough*cough*Webster*JustinBieber*cough*). That being said, I've been 17 for a good four months now and the excitement of turning 18 is causing many things to happen: the flow of time is speeding up, a higher amount of fucks aren't being given, I can consciously feel my cells divide, and I actually have a decent grasp on my plans for the future. Read More »