Take your half-finished Sudokus and throw them away. Numbers and logic won't help you where you're going. Take your word jumbles and your word scrambles and make confetti. You'll need confetti where you're going. Take your crosswords out of the glove box, fill in all the boxes with "Not Today," ‘cause guess when you're doing those crosswords? Today? Read More »

Robots are cool. Unfortunately, pretty soon they'll be able to make mincemeat out of your pansy ass. You think the Terminator was a badass? That pussy couldn't even go back in time and "terminate" his own illegitimate child. I'm talking about drug lord-burning, Pakistani kid-frying, "oh hey innocent Afghani civilian, sorry didn't see ya there"-roasting fuckin' robots. Read More »

Human women are the most emotionally, mentally, and physically weak species on the planet. To overcompensate for past suppressions, they've been given the freedom to do anything and get away with it. Basically put, we have a shitstorm on our hands. I'm just saying, if you gave superpowers to an 80-pound college kid aiming to go pro, he wouldn't use them to excel within the ranks of NBA stardom. Read More »

When I stepped foot onto my college campus for the first time, I had one goal in mind: to bang every single chick that I possibly could. The only problem was that every other guy on campus was thinking the same thing. In my first few weeks of classes, I took a lot of notes. None of these notes had a thing to do with any of my current classes; instead, they were on the methods that other guys were using to successfully pick up girls. I noticed that most of them had a lot more to offer than me at the time. Read More »

1. Why isn't there Mexican food delivery?

Predominantly, we really only have two options for delivery: Chinese or pizza. I've had so much soy sauce this past year my asshole can practically speak Chinese. But why isn't there Mexican delivery? If you think about it, Mexican delivery makes the most sense: you're already in loose-fitting clothing and you're already near your favorite bathroom. Read More »

Bro versus Dude. Dude versus Bro. PBR versus Natty Light. Flannel Shirts versus Lacrosse Pinnies. Classic Muscle Cars versus New Model Year Crossovers. Corn Dogs versus Ramen Noodles. Van Halen versus Deadmau5. So many subjective metrics to evaluate, but only one decision that ultimately can be made. A debate that will determine what makes up Dude DNA and what comprises Bro Building Blocks. Read More »

Our society subscribes to a weird set of rules... and the way we interpret them can be even weirder. One standard set by society (at least when it comes to female anatomy), is the accepted standard that the nipple completes the boob. Without the nipple, there is absolutely no cause for concern. The nipple is what censorship has used as their limit when it comes to upper-torso nudity. Read More »

I think we can all agree that, with the exception of cartoons and cooking shows, most stoners rely on a hefty daily helping of The History Channel, Discovery Channel, and the like. I remember my high school days spending hours either too blazed to care about World War II, or just blazed enough to be fascinated by day four of Shark Week. Read More »

The shopper in the "12 Days of Christmas" was a genius. All the gifts were purchased from either a weird bird lady or on craigslist. Yes, craigslist. Where else can you buy 12 drummers drumming or 9 ladies dancing? Read More »

Unless you're the type of person who doesn't read newspapers or watch television or have access to a computer or talk to other human beings, you've heard that Jerry Sandusky, the assistant coach of the Penn State football team, was arrested for child molestation. This is, more or less, understood to be just about the worst possible crime a person could commit. Read More »

"God, why is that guy is such a dick?!? And why do I always get dicked over?!?" Hmm... how many times have you riddled yourself that? The acts they commit are unspeakable, the actions they execute are incorrigible, and if anyone were to find that these unspeakable acts and incorrigible actions were in any way premeditated, the tolerance for them would be worn even thinner than the nearly tangible membrane that naturally divides what is good from what is evil. The barrier breaker I'm writing to you about today? The "Dick Move." Read More »

There has been a lot of media buzz about the rising trend of obesity in America, and not without reason. As the literal "fat cats" of the world, Americans consume more calories per person than any other nation in the world. Read More »

General elections are coming up throughout the country on Tuesday, November 8th. I only know this because of seeing the big political signs posted on top of one another right where the bums beg at most highway exits across the country. It's an "off-year election" with few nationally held offices up for grabs. Read More »

There is something especially pathetic about the man at the beach with the metal detector. It's not his desperate search for treasure, or his lack of proper beach attire, but something simpler. Look at the way he moves, taking careful baby steps, sidestepping, and proceeding in odd increments which he has determined will smoke out a valuable find. Read More »

The makers of Old Spice recently decided to play a little shell game with one of their popular products. For a long time, the newly revamped brand carried a "soft solid" deodorant/antiperspirant stick that worked—for myself and thousands upon thousands of men—better than any other deodorant had ever before. And at an average price of about $4, it was a great bargain. Read More »