When I was 13 or 14, my mom took me on a weekend trip to go back-to-school shopping and have guided discussions about sexual purity from a man on a cassette tape that read from the Bible and explained things like how boys like girls with large round breasts and why we feel funny urges in our private parts. Read More »

Two weekends ago, at a friend's party, I found myself in the middle of several awkward moments involving a very unattractive man. From the moment he screamed, "Hey redhead! What's yo name, redhead?!" I knew it was fate. I knew I was not going to be able to escape. After several attempts to catch my name, he tried to woo me by making very low pterodactyl noises an inch from my face. Read More »

Ahh Halloween. I love it so much. The only night of the year where girls can go out in the outfits usually reserved only for the bedroom. Outfits that if parents even knew they owned would cause mothers everywhere to sob uncontrollably and fathers' heads to explode and rain down upon the ground in a flurry of rage and where-did-I-go-wrong shock. Read More »

Every man is asked to do it at least once. It is easily the most degrading job in the world, but as a man you are obligated to take it. It can be like a Band-Aid and ripped off quickly with minimal pain, or it can be like an all-expense paid trip to Gitmo. What is this retched and thankless job you ask? Read More »

Dear Evolution,

I know we've been through a lot together, from slime to monkeys to Canadians to humans, but I still have a few gripes to settle with you.

1. First of all, if we just need to have them taken out, why the fuck did you give us wisdom teeth? Shouldn't they have evolutionized their way out of our DNA by now? Read More »

Hey Dude,

As you know, I'm entering the third week of my internship at this office and so far things have been great—everyone has been polite and my boss isn't as big a dick as I originally thought. If I had to complain about one thing though, I guess it would be you. Read More »

Justin Timberlake has just been cast in a new movie called The Social Network, a look at the invention and rise of Facebook. The problem is, it's a little early to pen the history of something that's only 10 years old. Read More »

Hate mail to YOU.

You.

Yes, you.

You, sitting there listening to Linkin Park blasting through your iPod (the newest one of course, equipped with internet, video player, camera album, coffee maker and toilet paper dispenser—oh, and it plays music, too), texting your IM buddy off your touch screen 23MP camera phone with a 360-degree rotating screen. You, trying to find witty phrases for your Facebook status updates, then paraphrasing and Googling them to make sure no one will find out that you didn't make them up. Read More »

"Why don't you say you love me?"

"Why don't you let me piss up your ass?"

That conversation precipitated:

1. A slap of such epic proportions the shockwaves it caused may well have caused Hurricane Katrina. Read More »

Settle down, PETA activists, it's not what you think. I didn't subject cute fluffy bunnies to any sort of cruelty, although I can't say the same for a pink jelly rabbit of the vibrating sort, whose unfortunate fare is the subject here. Read More »

The other day I begrudgingly entered into Satan's opus, a cornucopia of greed and wickedness better known as the shopping mall. I know off the bat that sentence must sound a little harsh. After all, most of us spent our formative years hanging out at our local malls; we all played our unique roles in populating those suburban jungles, and it was a beautiful thing. Read More »

The following is a PIC experiment in group dynamics. Basically, we opened a shared document that anyone on the PIC staff could edit, and then just let ‘er rip. Anyone could contribute, edit anyone else's contributions, etc. No preset topics or guidelines, just an empty page and a bunch of weirdos with sexually active imaginations. This is what happened... Read More »

Every time a group of men under the age of 25 gathers for long periods of time, you can bet your last two cents that one of them (probably you) will be smoking weed. Whether it's a road trip, a concert, or a day spent playing Halo 3, someone is eventually going to bust out the green. Read More »

"I want to get some goddamn sausage on the fucking pizza!"

How often has this happened to you? You've got some friends over, maybe for a football game or a party that you secretly hope will turn into an orgy. Everyone's hungry and someone says, "You guys want to get a pizza?" Hell yeah. Great idea. Who doesn't love pizza? Read More »

With Britney Spears banging her head against a wall somewhere in Burbank and Madonna combing the jungles of the former Belgian Congo in search of fresh babies she can adopt to quench her ever growing thirst for human blood, the last 15 minutes have belonged to pop singer Lady Gaga. Read More »