When people walk into the room I grew up in at home, they probably first notice it's blue. Or teal. Or 13F-4 Chesapeake Cove, the color between Bristol Bay Blue and Bay City Blue on the 413 color palette. And then, they'll notice flowers, everywhere. My duvet cover: flower-patterned. Read More »

On my list of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced, getting back in shape after an eight-month hiatus from the gym would rank way up there. I wouldn't say it's the hardest thing I've ever done—that would be ridiculous. Second hardest, though?
Absolutely. Read More »

Summer will be over in a couple of months. And not a moment too soon. It feels like Earth has a GPS system, and someone programmed its destination to be the center of the sun. Let's do some recalculating! Read More »

My friend Fi-Town's jobs have varied as much as a midget prostitute's clientele. In college we lived above a Hawaiian bar and restaurant and below drug dealers. We lived in a San Francisco flat that used to function as a whorehouse and, before us, as a ganja-growing den. Across the street, Trader Joe's radiated healthiness, two-dollar bottles of wine, and twenty-four dollar wine cases. Read More »

I'm never one to shy away from important, controversial subjects. So it's time for a look at the health issue that's caused the Grim Reaper to hire a tow truck: obesity.

A word of warning: if you're a fat person and you're offended by this article, I apologize—it's just a joke.... And if you don't accept my apology, I don't care—you'll never catch me! Read More »

"What happened to the nice guys?"  It's a lament I've heard from countless female friends tired of dealing with douchebags and asshats.  Unfortunately, rarely are these women prepared to hear the answer to the long pondered question they present.  I find the overwhelming urge now to answer and finally clarify what happened to the nice guys. Read More »

Even when you have planned on moving for months, DO NOT under any circumstance make any preparations. This includes, but is not limited to, the following.

DO NOT: Read More »

My Experiences in the Most Dismal High School on Earth

I recently completed my atrociously long tenure at Worthing High School, and as such, I think it's time for a fair and balanced assessment of the establishment in question; or, more accurately, a rant involving some unnecessarily offensive jokes. Read More »

I watched a lot of soccer on TV in preparation for the World Cup. Unfortunately, a bunch of channels catering to adult-themed interests were also included in the subscription package. My current schedule doesn't privilege me with much time for leisure, so I have to multi-task. Read More »

While I've been trapped in a bit of a sexless, dry spell for the past two years, I am, however, in a long-term, monogamous, parasocial relationship with popular youth culture due to my chronic failure at livin' it up as a typical teenage girl. I never had a boyfriend. Read More »

In the obligatory pre-marital counseling, a couple learns about what they will fight over once the deed is done. The list really comes as no surprise to anyone, but is still worth noting. Being halfway through year one, I figured this was a good time to see how we are stacking up.

1. Money Read More »

They're hard to find, quality wingmen. Despite this, you are also probably expecting a bit too much from the ones you are using. A wingman's mission isn't to get you laid; that's your job. A good wingman merely secures you the opportunity to convince a woman that a night spent with you is something she won't entirely regret in the morning, or at least make good enough conversation that she leaves her phone number with you before she leaves the bar. However, I feel it's my civic duty to finally reveal the sacred tradition of wingman. Read More »

When I began writing this article, it started as more of an homage to my vagina. After all, my Pikachu and I have been through a lot, whether it was our first orgasmic experience together starring myself as a very surprised 12-year-old and a jet stream in my parents' Jacuzzi, or that confusing time in 7th grade in which only Playtex and a copy of Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margret could solve. Clearly, my fingerhut and I have had our ups and downs. Also, I figured, if I can fake happiness with it, I can certainly write an article about it. Read More »

For the last two months, I've felt somewhat ill. This is incredibly hard for me because prior to this college semester I never got sick. Now I've got stomach flu, mono, SARS. I need a mouth mask thing. Something like that. I am home for now. This has carried over and it sucks. I am convinced that it's swine flu, but it may just be some virus or whatever's floating around. Read More »

Dear Mr. Hobo,

Enclosed in this letter is the most beneficial advice you will ever receive. Some might say I'm being offensively blunt; I call it tough love. Based on the wealth of knowledge I'm drawing on as a PR major, I am confident that I can help you. So here are my "two cents," as you so desperately plea for. Please take these suggestions to heart. Read More »