Observational Humor

Comedy revolving around the people and situations we've all encountered at some point. Commentary, quips, opinions, rants, witticisms and editorials. Submit an article »

Eugene Slaven's picture

Black Men Can't Swim

When I finally managed to turn on the TV after several infuriating seconds of struggling to aim the remote in just the right spot, the channel was fortuitously tuned to the Bravo network. I think my wife or mistress watched something on Bravo, so hopefully that explains everything and there won't be any follow-up questions regarding Bravo or my mistress. Read More »

Quinlan Braiwick's picture

Stop Butchering the English Language

English is a living language—I accept this fact. There is a good reason we aren't discovering the Latin slang for "swag" or "YOLO": the language is dead, no longer spoken, and no longer changing. To be honest, based on those two words, I'd venture to guess that Latin is grateful to be dead. Read More »

Adam Trimmer's picture

Why is All Man-Themed Stuff Also Douche-Themed?

Douche guy drinking a PBR beer can

I don't know if this shows my age, but I find myself yelling at the TV a lot more than I used to. My latest outburst occurred after I saw a commercial for a haircut place called Lady Jane's. If you haven't seen the commercial or heard of the place, I'll give you a quick rundown: basically, Lady Jane's is a "man-themed" salon. Read More »

James Boulstridge's picture

8 Years a Slave: An Homage to England

Lemmy of the band Motörhead is a rock-God, an icon, his face-warts run Prada. Having played in Hawkwind, he was told by his doctor that he had done so many drugs that he could die if he didn't stop—he has understood the quanta of cosmos and the infinity of our interconnected molecules over ten times it is safe to say; his skin exudes love, tolerance, and face-warts, and yet even he has said that the only emotion in England is resentment. Read More »

Eric Simon's picture

If There's an Airport God, He'll Seat the Hot Girl Next to You on the Plane

Hot girl at the airport with a designer purse

You hear the most beautiful tone in the world: the text tone. It reads: "Hey man what's up? What are you doing Thursday??" Although this text appears to be completely harmless at first glance, it is not. It is a disguised weapon of mass destruction and it is headed straight for your nerves: your friend is going to ask you to take him to or from the airport. Read More »

James Danson's picture

Why You're a Terrible Person for Complaining About New NFL Safety Rules

NFL quarterback lying down after concussion

Football is one of the greatest examples of everything right and wrong with America. Fuck your sports, we have our own and soccer is stupid (and yes, we will call it soccer). And we hate the metric system; the horribly designed system we have in place is perfectly fine "But it's easier to convert using the metric system!" Stop bringing more math into the equation. Read More »

Matt Fernandez's picture

A Stoner's Translation to the Benefits of Vaporizing

Marijuana vaporizer with tube

As someone who is perpetually high, I get asked a lot why I prefer using a vaporizer as opposed to say, a joint or a bowl.

Translation: I'm high as fuck all the time, and people want to know why I vape instead of packing a bowl or rolling a j.

In this article I will give you a list of reasons why vaporizers are not only more practical, but also healthier for you. Read More »

Kat Ally's picture

The Asian and The Boyfriend

If you knew me, you'd also know that there are basically two people in my life: the Asian and the boyfriend. So if you knew me, you'd be an Asian, or a boyfriend, and I'd have to start out by apologizing for telling everyone who doesn't know me about all the reasons that this is not altogether a bad or irrelevant thing. Read More »

Quinlan Braiwick's picture

Fuck Technology

Gun shooting a laptop.

The guy who invented the cell phone was a fucking asshole. Oh, sure, when the concept of mobile communication was first dreamt up, it was a glorious utopia of total connectivity. The reality, however, is that technology has turned us into a society of downward-gazing, slack-jawed voyeurs. There's a good chance that as we continue to evolve with technology, our elbows will fuse. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

The Pooping You Didn't Know About in Classic Literature

Shakespeare wearing pink sunglasses

Hi, my name is Nick Hilbourn, professional English major. Anyone who watches any of the major TV networks (C-Span, BookTV, PBS) knows that literary criticism is an always-changing field of inquiry. In the past fifty years, all kinds of new fields of study have arisen, such as post-colonialism, queer theory, disability studies, and other useless fields of study. Read More »

Alena Dillon's picture

"Those Aren't My Jarred Feces"

Jar of poop (minimally processed)

"The Texas Senate barred women from bringing feminine hygiene products into the Senate Chambers .... The decision was made because feminine hygiene products could be thrown at lawmakers.... The DPS added that the inspections [of bags] have turned up ‘one jar suspected to contain urine [and] 18 jars suspected to contain feces.'" -Global Post Read More »

Luke Pohjala's picture

The Logistics of the High School Dick Pic

I don't consider myself the type of guy who sends a picture of his dick to a girl, but somehow my friend Danny convinced me otherwise. Dan said he sent one to a girl he liked and she was all over him the next time they hung out. He told me, "Girls just need to see what they're getting into. Or what's getting into them I guess. They don't like to be surprised with a weird-looking dick. Read More »

David Ayala's picture

A Winner's Guide to Acknowledging Losers

Spelling bee boy winner

I don't know about you, but I personally never win anything. And when I do finally win something, it's usually pretty awful. So awful that I have found that it is possible to win something but at the same time be a failure in the eyes of society—which is cool if you don't care about other people's opinions, but for the rest of us popularity sluts, please continue reading. Read More »

Jeremy Gendelman's picture

Justifications for My Irrational Fear of Doing Laundry

Laundry turned pink

I have an irrational fear of doing laundry. To be clear, this is completely separate from my complete and utter revulsion towards doing laundry. I will discuss both here. I use the term "irrational" to describe my fear of laundry because I don't think society would deem any fear of laundry rational. Read More »

Kat Ally's picture

Your Most Likely Roommate Scenarios

College roommate woman screaming

So school is just about starting up, homework is just about starting to be due and overdue, and it's the perfect time to start writing inane comedy. But you don't have to take my word for it—just ask LeVar Burton. Or, if you don't know his private number, read on. Read More »

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