Comedy revolving around the people and situations we've all encountered at some point. Commentary, quips, opinions, rants, witticisms and editorials. Submit an article »
You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt, and you were wearing something that wasn't a DARE shirt, but still somewhat ironic. I think the appropriate word is "kitsch." No bells ringing? Read More »
According to the 72 virgin myth, Muslim martyrs (after whatever barbaric act they may have committed) will go to heaven, where they will have available 72 virgins. I checked the Quran for information about this promising myth, and there is no explanation for the number. Why 72? Read More »
How's it going? Remember me? I don't want to brag, but you checked out my OkCupid profile every day for months before finally messaging me with "wink...wink... what's your bra size." Man, you must really detest conventional question marks. Read More »
Look, you. Yes, you! You there, sneering down your considerable nose at me. I SNEER RIGHT BACK. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I deserve a job. I'll take literally any job. Admittedly, I might be abusing the already abused word "literally" there, because when I say "any job," I actually mean "not any job." I know, it's confusing, but bear with me. Read More »
Does hearing the word "bae" fifty times a day piss you off as much as it pisses me off? Does hearing the word "bae" five times a day piss you off as much as it pisses me off? Does hearing the word "bae" once a day piss you off as much as it pisses off? If you answered anything other than "no," then the Bae Drinking Game is the game for you! Read More »
Laughter is an important part of everyone's lives. Can you remember the last time you laughed? What caused you to laugh? Who were you pointing at as you laughed? People all over the world laugh. Laughter, over math, is the preferred universal language. Laughter can break cultural barriers. I know this because every time I've vacationed in another country, the local people couldn't stop laughing at me. Seeing all those smiling faces made me feel as if I was still at home. Read More »
When I was a teenager in the UK, I had no shortage of good advice directed my way about how I should live my life. Like many of my peers across the globe I was constantly told to "just say no" to drugs. There were an endless amount of reasons given for saying no, but the one I remember most was that consuming drugs would diminish my ambitions. Read More »
If you've been on the internet, Twitter, Vine, Instagram, or any type of social media this past summer, you've likely seen references to the smash single "Hot N***a" by Brooklyn-based rap artist Bobby Shmurda. It seems that this song became immensely popular almost overnight, thanks to the endless amount of Vines parodying it and its signature "Shmoney Dance." Read More »
You get a sixer of beer and a four pack of Red Bull. You head down to the "war room," whether it's your buddy's place, or a "home office" you hastily created between your TV and a dying house plant. You peel the seal on the cheese dip and open a bag of chips. The warm smell of dormant potato air breezes by. Read More »
Remember those casual parties we attended during the gentle days of summer? Those cookouts? The golf scrambles? Those ballgames? Remember how orderly you made me look last Fourth of July on that rooftop?
Grand times, friend. Read More »
Betty is a small, fat, hairy dog that lives in the same house as me. There's your backstory.
Betty might walk into the kitchen, tail wagging, ears pricked, and I will greet her with enthusiasm, a smile, and that patronizing, high-pitched voice that people speak to dogs with. After I have greeted the hound, I then look away and pretend to concentrate on other things. Maybe I'm polishing a plate for some reason... it doesn't matter. It's all a ruse, with Betty now believing she is safe. Read More »
Albert Einstein gave the definition of insanity as, "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." If that's the case, I am Norman Bates getting ready to dress up like my mother. And not just because I enjoy doing it. Let me explain. Read More »
Imagine it's 20 years from right now and (miraculously) you're reading a BuzzFeed article. Using completely baseless speculation, I will go full-on Harry Camping and predict the topic of the article you'll be reading on that warm day in 2034. Read More »
Last year I turned 18. It was awesome. I can vote, join the military, and be charged as an adult for crimes! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER! Still, even with all this, turning 18 reminded me that I've gone another year without losing my virginity. And quite frankly, I don't really give a shit. Read More »
If you're a modern man, chances are you hate women. Don't be afraid. It's okay. After all, they use their vaginas to gain an advantage in life—an advantage we have practically forced them to use because we continue to deny them economic equality. Which is strange, because women are our complete economy next to drugs and the military. It's like rain. Rain on your wedding day. Read More »