Don’t do it, guys. This Mother’s Day, don’t buy a star on Star Registry for your wife.

And if you do buy a star on Star Registry for your wife, don’t name it Cougar15.

And if you do purchase a star on Star Registry for your wife and name it Cougar15, don’t tell your wife that you purchased a star on Star Registry and named it Cougar15 because she is a cougar and you’ve been married to her for 15 years.

Don’t try to convince your wife that you bought her a ball of gas because you thought it would remind her of you.

And if you buy a star on Star Registry for your wife and name it Cougar15, make sure you shouldn’t have named it Cougar16. Take the time to do the math. Use a calculator. Ask someone who was at your wedding to confirm the date (preferably not your wife).

And if you do purchase a star on Star Registry for your wife and name it Cougar15 by accident, don’t pretend like you know you should’ve named it Cougar16 all along. Wives can sense a husband’s fear and the only thing worse than lying to your wife is being caught in a lie to your wife.

If you go ahead and buy a star on Star Registry for your wife and name it Cougar15, or 16, don’t customize and order a t-shirt of a star with your wife’s face on it; at least until you know she likes the idea of Cougar15, or 16.

And if you go ahead and buy a star on Star Registry for your wife and name it Cougar15, or 16, and customize a t-shirt of a star with your wife’s face on it, and she likes the idea of Cougar15, or 16, don’t order a size medium when she’s a small. A wife doesn’t appreciate the implication that you think she’s bigger than she really is.

Don’t try to convince your wife that you bought her a ball of gas because you thought it would remind her of you.

And if you do try to convince your wife that you bought her a ball of gas because you thought it would remind her of you, don’t proceed to demonstrate how well you can act like a ball of gas just to prove your point. Some points are not worth proving.

To avoid any and all of these pitfalls, don’t buy anything for your wife on Mother’s Day.

And if you don’t buy anything for your wife on Mother’s Day, don’t tell her it’s because she isn’t your mother.


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