<em>It's cold tonight.<br /> Even the daylight has began to fade. The world is growing darker and more desolate. Inside, I think i'm dying...but I must live on. I mean, if I die now, I may not live long enough to make fun of Amp'd Mobile...</em><br />
<a href="http://espn.go.com/media/nfl/2001/0103/photo/a_benson_i.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://espn.go.com/media/nfl/2001/0103/photo/a_benson_i.jpg" border="0" /></a>Well, sports fans, this is the week where each NFL game falls into one of the following categories: the two teams involved have either clinched or been eliminated (read: don’t bet), the two teams involved need the win so desperately their players would sacrifice their first wives for it (read: don’t bet), or (the gambler’s wet dream) one team doesn’t care because they’ve been eliminated or have clinched a playoff spot and the other team is on the bubble and needs the win like Forrest Gump needed Jenny, or like Jenny needed HIV treatment. Whichever you prefer.<br /><br />Anyway, because this is the last week of the regular season, and because my exile from gambling will be complete effective on Sunday, I am going to bet a few games. And I’ll tell you how much money I’m betting and let you know next week how I did. This was my plan when I originally started picking them games, but then, well, I wagered that if I lost a bet against the Texans, I would quit gambling for the year. The football gods hate cockiness in gamblers, and the gambling gods just like watching people lose, and I don’t test fate (much)... But anyway, the exile is over, the playoffs are coming, the USF Bulls are in a bowl game and the doctor said I’m disease free, so I’m feeling pretty damn good, thanks for not asking.<br /><br />Let’s do these picks. As always, home teams in capital letters.<br /><br /><strong>Broncos (+11) over CHARGERS<br /></strong>The Chargers are one of the best teams to ever miss the playoffs. On a related note, I’m one of the best writers never to be paid for writing, <em>Titus</em> was one of the best shows ever to be canceled, and Miller High Life is one of the best cheap beers in America. In other words, who gives a crap? Also, I for one, cannot wait to watch the wheels fall off the Jake Plummer Express in the playoffs this year. I’m expecting no less than four priceless comedy moments from Mister Snake this postseason. Much like George from <em>Seinfeld</em>, Plummer’s always good for a laugh.<br /><br /><strong>Giants (-8) over RAIDERS</strong><br />Before this game, Randy Moss, Warren Sapp, Kerry Collins and Sebastian Janikowski will ingest a combined 4000 milligrams of Rophynol, smoke a half ounce of pot and split a fifth of Orange Liquor (either Tuaca or Grand Marnier—they’re not sure yet). I would have put money on this game but the Giants are in the playoffs win or lose and Eli likes his games like he likes his women: tight, close, and nail biting (I don’t know what that means).<br /><br /><strong>COLTS (-6½) over Cardinals<br /></strong>James Dungy was a student at USF (as was I), he was raised (for the most part) in Tampa (my home), he lived not two miles from my apartment, and he committed suicide. In the interest of retaining some semblance of class, I’m refraining from doing a joke here. Please, remember this when I insult the entire female gender with an upcoming column.<br /><br /><strong>BROWNS (+3) over Ravens</strong><br />Here’s my opinion on this piece of wet garbage: Billick will be coaching the Ravens next year, according to ownership, and so he doesn’t have much to prove. The Browns, however, have a new coach who wants to be back next year. If his players like him in the slightest, they’ll play their collective Brown asses off. And yes, this is the last game for the Browns this year, and thus, my last chance to write the phrase, “collective Brown asses” so I jumped on it. I love the internet sometimes. Sometimes, I really do.<br /><br /><strong>Bills (-1) over JETS</strong><br />I hated the 2005 Bills. They were impossible to predict and thus, impossible to bet on. The Jets, on the other hand, were much easier to predict. They lost… a lot. Also, when in doubt regarding a piece of crap game like this, always go for the newer coach unless rumors of dissension amongst the players and staff are coming from their city. Coach Mike will be back. Herm Edwards will be coaching at Juvenile Offender State next season. By the way, since Herm is so well known for his poor clock managing, do you think ownership got him a watch for Christmas? ‘Cause that would be funny. Imagine Herm sitting and staring at a gold watch and wondering aloud, “Is this some kind of fucking joke?” I smile just thinking about it.<br /><br /><strong>Panthers (-4) over FALCONS</strong><br />I wagered $100 on this. The Falcons are eliminated. The Panthers need a win to secure playoff hopes. As Bill Gates used to say, “Do the math and count the money.” Man, I wish I was better at math.<br /><br /><strong>Vikings (-4) over BEARS</strong><br />The Bears have clinched a first round bye. The Vikings are out of it. Thus, we can safely say that no one gives a Chihuahua’s little crap about this game. All over Chicago right now, lower income citizens are getting free game tickets from their upper income friends because this one ain’t worth getting cold over. (Wouldn’t that line be great in Fox’s pregame introduction? I can hear it now: “This Sunday, the Bears battle the Vikings in a game that’s not worth getting cold over. Lovie Smith is letting his six year old boy call the plays, Rex Grossman will play five minutes, and all of you fans are just idiots for coming out in this weather. My God, is it cold! Good luck not changing the channel, sports fans. Brrrr! The NFL on FOX!")<br /><br /><strong>CHIEFS (-7) over Bengals<br /></strong>I wagered $100 on this. The Chiefs need this win to earn the slim chance of seeing Dick Vermeil cry tears of joy. The Chiefs probably won’t make the playoffs, but hey, that’s why we have clichés (I mean, that’s why we play the games. That’s what I meant, I swear). Furthermore, the Bengals just shelled out seven billion dollars to retain Carson Palmer’s services over the next six years. So, he and Chad Johnson will probably be watching this game on the Jumbotron while munching on curly fries and sucking down cold beers. And while we’re here, who has the whiter name, Chad Johnson or Carson Palmer? I mean, we all know Chad ain’t white, but I think his name is. Hell, it may be even whiter than Carson’s. And yes, this is the kind of stuff I think about when I’m supposed to be working.<br /><br /><strong>STEELERS (-13½) over Lions</strong><br />My favorite subplot of the entire season didn’t involve a Panther cheerleader, a Terrell Owens hissy fit, a Viking sex cruise, Mike Martz getting fired while on a hospital bed, or a John Madden/Brett Favre romance. My favorite subplot this season involved hundreds of thousands of Lion’s fans all banding together in an attempt to get their worthless GM fired. So guys, please scoot over a little and make room on the bandwagon for me as I join you in chanting, “Fire Matt Millen. Fire Matt Millen. Millen sucks. Millen is killing the Lions. Fire Matt Millen.” Thanks guys.<br /><br />And by the by, nothing pisses me off more than a lousy GM. Do you have any idea how easy it is to be GM? Hell, all you need to do to run a team right is go down to the local sports bar, find two guys arguing about something stupid (like which of the team’s receivers would benefit more from a left-handed quarterback, for example) and ask those guys who to draft, who to hire, and who to fire. An athlete typically sucks when he doesn’t have “it” (whatever the hell it is), a coach typically sucks when he’s either lazy or uninspiring. It’s tough to work hundred hour weeks (like coaches do) and be inspiring. It’s even tougher to play football at a professional level. But all a successful GM has to do is manage skills like basic math and reading scouting reports. How hard is it? This stuff murders me slowly. And you think I’m kidding.<br /><br />Oh, and by the way, I wagered $100 on this one.<br /><br /><strong>PATRIOTS (-6) over Dolphins</strong><br />Yawn.<br /><br /><strong>Saints (+13½) over BUCCANEERS<br /></strong>Make no mistake, the Buccaneers will win this game, but I just don’t think they’ll do it by 14 points. Historically, the Saints have owned the Bucs in Raymond James Stadium (much like I own two migrant workers, and yes Lulu, that one was for you). And while we’re here, what do you think Satan will say to Tom Benson win they meet again? I’ll bet the conversation goes something like this:<br /><br /><strong>Satan:</strong> Welcome back, Tom. Good work. We’ll try to get you back into the sports world as quickly as possible.<br /><strong>Tom:</strong> Thanks, Satan. By the way, my wife loved those sinner-blood-filled chocolates you sent.<br /><strong>Satan:</strong> Aww. She’s too kind. Send her my love, will you?<br /><strong>Tom:</strong> Sure thing, Boss.<br /><br /><strong>49ERS (+2) over Texans</strong><br />I wish I could watch this game with Reggie Bush and his family. I’ll bet his family and friends are all saying things like, “The Texans wouldn’t be so bad if they could get Carr an offensive line” and “well, maybe Dom Capers won’t be there next year.” Poor Reggie. First the Hurricane Katrina victims get sent to Houston, and now he does. On the bright side, well, he has a Heisman trophy. Of course, so does OJ Simpson…<br /><br /><strong>JAGUARS (-3½) over Titans</strong><br />Quite possibly the toughest game to bet on this year. The Titans are out and the Jaguars can gain nothing by winning. However, the Jags just got their starting QB back from injury, and they’ll need to see if he’s ready to play. If he is, this is a lock. If he’s not, this is a loss. I wouldn’t bet on this with your money. Stay the hell away.<br /><br /><strong>Seahawks (+3½) over PACKERS<br /></strong>Brett Favre is unsure if the Packers want him back next season. On a related note, OJ Simpson is unsure if he’ll be invited to Thanksgiving dinner at the Goldman’s next year.<br /><br /><strong>Redskins (-7) over EAGLES<br /></strong>I wagered $100 on this one. And since there’s nothing really funny about this game, I’m gonna take this opportunity to state the five funniest things I heard from my friends about the NFL yesterday. So here they are, in no particular order.<br /><br />“I had Daunte Culpepper and Terrell Owens on my Fantasy Team this year. On the bright side, at least I’ve been productive at work.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Scott, the male secretary, I mean, assistant<br /><br />“You know, Kurt Warner has the highest completion percentage in the history of football. It’s a shame someone didn’t kill him right after his last Super Bowl. Instead of remembering him as an awesome player, we’re all gonna remember him as a fumbling hack with a crazy wife. He’s like the football equivalent of Elvis. He’s stoned, fat, wealthy and sitting on the can, man.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Chris, whose dissertation topic is too tough for me to comprehend<br /><br />“I think people are treating Brett Favre like an old man who was really loved and was a great Dad but now has Alzheimers. It’s like, no one wants to speak ill of him, but at the same time, someone has to take away his drivers license and hide his razors for his own good.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Ronnie, bartender and male stripper<br /><br />“The way Terrell Owens is going, he couldn’t get a job running the NHL Player’s union.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Bob, who can’t remember how he lost that tooth<br /><br />“The Bengals and Bears are in the playoffs. I think I’m gonna start going to church, you know, just in case this is the end of the world right here.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Tony, who stays away from the hard stuff during football season<br /><br /><strong>COWBOYS (-12½) over Rams<br /></strong>Here’s my candidate for Ram’s head coach next year: Martha Stewart. She’s tough, smart, scary, hard-working and dedicated to feeding men. What more could you want from a football coach?<br /><br />I mean, really.<br /><br />Oh yeah, and I put $100 on this one as well.
<a href="http://www.janegoodall.org/assets/homepage/Chimp-Gaurdian/Nani.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.janegoodall.org/assets/homepage/Chimp-Gaurdian/Nani.jpg" border="0" /></a>How come Subway Sandwich Shops call their little sandwiches, “deli style”?
<a href="http://www.newyearfavors.com/image/products/88229-50_250.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.newyearfavors.com/image/products/88229-50_250.jpg" border="0" /></a>To paraphrase Forrest Gump, for no particular reason, I am taking this opportunity to let y’all in on my top ten favorite things about New Year’s Day and it’s even more popular predecessor, Eve. With ideas this original, it’s a wonder David Letterman hasn’t called and asked me to revamp the entire Late Show.<br /><br />Onto the list.<br /><br /><strong>Number 10</strong><br />This is one of the few days of the year when throwing up is actually encouraged, hangovers are expected and strangers kiss me. Honestly, I wish we could celebrate every week this way.<br /><br /><strong>Number 9</strong><br />Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks. Man, I love blowing stuff up.<br /><br /><strong>Number 8</strong><br />As we all know, I’m a huge fan of lists. Nothing inspires lists like the end of the year. (By the way, look for PIC staffer, Chad Chamley, to write an end of the year list that breaks the five thousand word mark. And you think I’m joking.)<br /><br /><strong>Number 7</strong><br />Slumping down on the couch, surrounded by potato chip bags, beer cans and pizza boxes, all while watching a steady stream of college football games. To quote my buddy Rick, “I mean, could you actually get more American without shooting a terrorist?” Answer: of course not.<br /><br /><strong>Number 6<br /></strong>The feeling I get when I break that first New Year’s resolution, typically around 7 PM on New Year’s day. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s kind of like a cross between getting new socks and enjoying a well cooked meal.<br /><br /><strong>Number 5</strong><br />All the bad jokes like, “You haven’t bought me one drink this year” or “Man, I haven’t gotten laid all year.” Not only are these jokes trite and boring, but, like all timeless classics, they never get old.<br /><br /><strong>Number 4</strong><br />Cheese on crackers. It’s not a new year until someone gives me a hunk of cheese on a cracker. If there’s an olive involved, well, all the better.<br /><br /><strong>Number 3</strong><br />This is the year I’ll finally meet Lulu and her boobage. Don’t hate me. I’d rather be lucky than good any day. We’ll get through this together. I promise.<br /><br /><strong>Number 2</strong><br />Yet another excuse to consume champagne. In case you were wondering, there are only four occasions when it is proper to consume champagne: a marriage, a new year, a divorce, or a Formula 1 race. I don’t make these rules up. I just live them and convey them.<br /><br /><strong>Number 1<br /></strong>Enjoying the obligatory cup of pig blood with the pagan elders… I mean, noisemakers. That’s it. I love noisemakers. But who doesn’t, right?<br /><br />Right?
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/labrary-788340.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/labrary-786707.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Lynne: If you cheated on me, would you tell me?<br />Me: If you asked.<br />Lynne: Good answer.<br /><br />Lynne: I really like you.<br />Me: What about your boyfriend?<br />Lynne: I don’t like him at all.<br />Me: Then why live with him?<br />Lynne: Because I need a place to stay. I could stay here.<br />Me: No. No, you couldn’t.<br /><br />Lynne: I don’t like having sex on beds. There’s nothing interesting there. Beds are for sleeping in after sex.<br />Me: So the rest of my apartment is for having sex?<br />Lynne: Except the kitchen. You really need to clean that up.<br /><br />Lynne: If I lived here, you might have to put up with a lot of craziness. I like to spend lots of late nights out.<br />Me: That’s fine. You wouldn’t have a key.<br />Lynne: Did you go to some kind of Jerk School or something?<br /><br />Lynne: You may find this surprising, but I never graduated high school.<br />Me: Let’s see. You’re unemployed. You live with a guy you hate. You’re at my place at 2 AM on a weekday. And you say you never finished high school? Wow, that’s shocking. If it’s any consolation, I never finished trucking school.<br />Lynne: When did you go to trucking school?<br />Me: Never. That’s what made it so hard to finish.<br />Lynne: That’s not funny.<br /><br />Me: So, I finally found out whose coat that was at my apartment.<br />Sharon: Did you run into her in a bar or did she come to your place?<br />Me: Both.<br />Sharon: And you slept with her again?<br />Me: To be fair, I don’t know that I slept with her the first time.<br />Sharon: Hey look, it’s the Grown Up Bus inviting Nathan to come join the rest of us. Uh oh, Nathan is hiding behind a bush like a fifth grader afraid of his teacher. Will he ever come out of the bush and grow up?<br />Me: I find it interesting that you used the word, bush.<br />Sharon: Seriously. You need to grow up.<br /><br />Sharon: Have you ever considered therapy?<br />Me: Therapy for what?<br />Sharon: For your mind. You have serious emotional issues.<br />Me: Oh yeah, well those shoes make your ankles look fat. There. I said it. Now we both have to live with it.<br />Sharon: You get stranger every week.<br /><br />Dan: The thing is, I hate going to the strip clubs unless the chicks are really hot. Otherwise, I might as well just go to the mall.<br />Me: What? Man, it must be nice living in LA.
New for Christmas 2005
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/subway-769252.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/subway-765156.jpg" border="0" /></a>If you were a New York transportation employee, well, you’d have to be pretty happy with the timing of this transit strike.
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/sullys-736295.jpg"><img style="float:left;cursor:hand;margin:0 10px 10px 0;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/sullys-733377.jpg" border="0" /></a>Meeting fellow PIC people, Court, Mikey and Chad was like meeting people I already knew. And why? Because the internet is weird (I will beat that to death and like it, thank you very much). Mikey compared it to online dating but with no lies about who we really were. If someone asked me what those guys were like, I would say, “exactly how I expected” (with the exception of Chad, who is much thinner than his photo lends credit). Mikey is just as self-depreciating and wry in real life. Court sees life through irony-seeking glasses. He especially loves puns, the irony of wordplay. And, as far as puns go (which ain’t very far, in my opinon), he ain’t bad at them. I would tell you some of them but I had them removed from my brain Douglas-Quaid-Style in an attempt to regain my sanity. And Chad is an observant and quiet guffaw hawk, who sits back and adds up the jokes, occasionally lending a chuckling observation or funny reference. At least I think he was. I always saw him at night and by then I was drunk. Anyway, it was a good time all around and interesting in a lot of different ways. Some highlights? Fine, twist my arm.<br /><br />Court had me eating chicken at a place called “Eats” and drinking beer at a place called “The Local.” I mean, that’s America right there, folks.<br /><br />I got kicked out of a bar with two quasi-strangers (not PIC staffers or founders, by the way) for sticking my arm between two elevator doors (from the inside) to hold it for a man named Fred. It just ain’t a weekend if someone doesn’t kick me out of somewhere. But this time… well, it just seemed unfair. I still don’t know what the hell I did.<br /><br />I freestyled a poem in an Atlanta bar. And the people who heard it seemed to enjoy it. That was nice.<br /><br />I was approached by a lot of people who seemed to think that I had money and was in the mood to share with strangers. I wasn’t.<br /><br />I was the first of possibly ten and impossibly thirty people to yell “crackwhore” as a suggestion for an improv theatre group. They worked it in twice, too. Gotta give the audience what they want.<br /><br />I learned that Court Sullivan has a color system whereby he can tell (at a glance) which of the many items on his to-do-lists can be accomplished only in the daytime (like going to the dentist, for example), so he can plan his early afternoon accordingly. What a life.<br /><br />And finally, the real kicker, as I was driving home, my Mom called to say that she was happy that I hadn’t gotten in an accident or wound up in jail. It’s nice to have people in your life that know you, ain’t it?<br /><br />Yeah, well, most of the time it is.
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