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University of Wisconsin - La CrosseClass of
2006At a Glance
One thing I have learned about life is that the best way to impress a lady is to walk up to her and say the following: "I am not a simple man, I am a complex mosaic of interconnected thoughts, feelings, and often conflicting emotions." (Then belch as loud as you can and punch yourself in the face.)Bio
I grew up in a really exciting small river town of 6,000 people. I used to work in a broom factory, and I've had 3 kidney surgeries that I often like to describe in intricate detail at the dinner table. (If you didn't find these details stimulating enough, I'd also like to mention that I have a drinking problem.) For extra comedy articles, short stories, Korea-inspired material, and yes, even some poetry... check out my personal website at wesleyjansen.wordpress.com.Comedy Articles
The Shortcut Guide to Overcoming DepressionThis article will help you a lot more than therapy, medication, or discussing your condition with a loved one because chances are, nobody loves you anyway.May 11, 2013
10 Things to Look Forward to as You Get OlderWomen, you will painfully observe the slow process men go though as they reach the point where they no longer try to win you over. Men, there's always Viagra.Apr 3, 2013
The Perfect Chain Letter, Part 2If you don’t have any friends, you must forward this to 80,000 people in 57 seconds or else a horned leprechaun will appear and shoot you in the penis with a nail gun.Mar 9, 2013
Nice Guys Don't Finish Last, They WinI have designed the following six guidelines in order to assist nice guys in their quest for happiness and love. It's simple: first let your heart die, then play the game.Feb 8, 2013
10 Reasons to Quit DrinkingThings to look forward to after you stop drinking: eating crazy meals without vomiting, filming neighborhood pornography, and immunity to previously insulting comments.Jan 13, 2013
5 MORE Ways to Get Fired from Your Teaching JobTo inspire all of you teachers out there who are on the verge of screaming at your students, punching your administrators in the face, and/or committing suicide.
Dec 19, 2012
20 REALISTIC Inspirational Quotes for Your Email SignatureMost of the emails you send on a daily basis contain absolutely no thoughts that could be considered "profound." So stop using ridiculously unrealistic inspirational quotes.Nov 16, 2012
The Worst Pain Your Penis Will Ever EndureThe average male has no idea that a stent removal will be the most painful, emotionally scarring experience in their life. All the best to you and your penis, sir.Oct 22, 2012
6 Things I Hate About NarcissistsA narcissist never washes his hands after using the restroom because he thinks, "My genitals are clean, not dirty. If everyone could touch my genitals, they would be better people."Sep 28, 2012
7 Tips for Living and Teaching in AsiaTeaching English in Asia is a great way to experience a different culture, travel the world, and find adventure. It's also the easiest way to get constant diarrhea and exacerbate your drinking problem.Aug 18, 2012
7 FINAL Things You Need to Know About WomenSurprisingly, women don't mind if you forget your wedding anniversary, and they'd also prefer that you be totally honest about your pornography collection. And that's not all!Jul 12, 2012
6 More Life Lessons They Won't Teach You in SchoolAttention young and naive students of the world: reading is overrated, true love does not exist, and the most self-controlled people are often the most dangerous.Jun 18, 2012
7 Things I Want to See During the ApocalypseIt takes a special kind of fucked up to make the Apocalypse actually happen. You can't just wing a bad disaster and hope it wipes out the planet, you need well-planned chaos.May 22, 2012
7 Keys for Successful LivingLearn to be more open-minded, cultivate some patience, and for God's sake don't say the first thing you think of when a beautiful woman makes random conversation with you.Apr 20, 2012
6 MORE Ways to Make Yourself CoolerIf you've ever been heartbroken or dumped, you know that shitty feeling that feels like you'll never come out from. Guess what? Now's the perfect time to bring everyone else down!Mar 17, 2012
5 Ways to Get Fired from Your Teaching JobOnly follow this list if teaching has made you suicidal, OR you're a teacher who just wants to have a little fun, and you've been looking for a career change anyway.Feb 15, 2012
The Perfect Chain LetterToday, you have the opportunity to make a difference in somebody's life. While Peter's harrowing 17-story fall may seem too much to bear, your inbox can turn things around.Jan 25, 2012
7 MORE Things You Need to Know About WomenDid you know that women like men who are willing to share their erotic dreams? It's not like it REALLY happened, and women will appreciate your brutal honesty!Dec 26, 2011
How to Win Over a Lady in Five StepsHow many times has this happened to you? A woman eyes you seductively, drinking a glass of milk while purposely letting some spill down her neck and onto her breasts. Never? Read on.Dec 1, 2011
A Conversation with Saint PeterAt the edge of the entrance to Heaven, Frank stops for a casual chat with the always engaging Saint Peter, keeper of the gates and god of the pranks.Nov 9, 2011
6 Ways to Make Yourself CoolerYou've just eaten an entire bag of Doritos out of self-pity while touching yourself in a naughty place and crying for the LAST TIME, because this guide is all about discovering the COOL YOU.Sep 30, 2011
7 Ways to Successfully Interact with Other PeopleEverything you need to know to gain the approval of your boss, that random couple on the sidewalk, the cyclist holding up traffic, and your cigarette smoking nephew.Sep 2, 2011
6 Disadvantages to Being a GuyUrinals, emotional maturity, and job responsibility - don't laugh, women, these are things we men have to deal with every day. Well, that and your misunderstanding of anything that's actually funny.Aug 3, 2011
6 Life Lessons They Won't Teach You in SchoolNo matter how sexually stimulating you may find the academic world, it simply won't help you in the long run. Here are six life lessons worth remembering, including the futility of true love.Jun 25, 2011
7 Things You Need to Know About WomenDid you know that women don't like flowers? I know, crazy, right?! They're also driven wild by indiscreet pelvic thrusting motions and men who maintain a healthy interest in the opposite sex!May 28, 2011
The Relationship Interview with Wesley JansenWesley Jansen relaxes and provides honest responses to a relationship interviewer attempting to match him up with a female applicant. We quickly learn some men lack suitable experience.May 3, 2011
Why Do We Need to Learn This?As a teacher, I often get frustrated when my students ask me the question, 'Why do we need to learn this?' So I finally forced myself to sit down and construct the ultimate answer.Mar 22, 2011
10 Expressions That Really Piss Me OffBreaking down useless, annoying expressions like 'You gotta do what you gotta do' and 'Idle hands are the devil's workshop.' If you use these, STOP NOW OR DIE.Jan 17, 2011
How to Be More Expressive and DynamicEver since I started teaching English, I've been struggling to find ways to get my students more excited about the English language. Then one day, I took it to the next level.Dec 3, 2010
Girlfriend WantedGreetings and hello. My name is Drek Z but my friends call me... Kain. I am a recently single, strapping young man, aged 48, and I am currently looking for a girlfriend. Perhaps you like?Oct 30, 2010
10 Ways to Make Your Life More ExcitingTen ways to spice up your life using the unexpected to your advantage, including a vacation to North Korea and a simple church bombing!Sep 26, 2010
On the Destruction of KindnessInstead of the wonderful Korean language that once filled the teacher's lounge with beauty and dignity, the atmosphere became impregnated with George Carlin rhetoric.Sep 10, 2010
Acceptance Speech By an Award-Winning WriterLadies and Gentlemen, it is an honor that you have all finally decided to recognize my accomplishments this evening. Now SUCK MY DICK, ASSHOLES!!Aug 23, 2010
A Welcoming Letter from the Superintendent of the Perfect SchoolMy name is Mr. Bob. I'd like to welcome you and your child as we begin another exciting year here at "St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness."Aug 11, 2010
20 Brutally Honest Book Titles I'd Love to SeeIncluding a book full of blank, empty pages for lonely, insecure young men titled: 'THE BENEFITS OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.'
Jul 30, 2010
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