Wesley Jansen


University of Wisconsin - La Crosse

Class of


At a Glance

One thing I have learned about life is that the best way to impress a lady is to walk up to her and say the following: "I am not a simple man, I am a complex mosaic of interconnected thoughts, feelings, and often conflicting emotions." (Then belch as loud as you can and punch yourself in the face.)


I grew up in a really exciting small river town of 6,000 people. I used to work in a broom factory, and I've had 3 kidney surgeries that I often like to describe in intricate detail at the dinner table. (If you didn't find this information stimulating enough, I'd also like to mention that I have a drinking problem.) For extra comedy articles, short stories, Korea-inspired material, and yes, even some poetry... check out my personal website at wesleyjansen.wordpress.com (or feel free to email me at wesleyjansen80@hotmail.com).

Comedy Articles

How to Survive a Break-Up: 10 Guidelines of Emotional Support
Breaking up with someone can be extremely painful—I should know, I watched it happen on TV once. Here are the realistic feelings to expect and actions to take.
May 15, 2016

How to Survive as a Nice Guy
Being a "nice guy" is very difficult. So I have designed the following 10 guidelines to offer comfort, hope, and advice to all my fellow struggling nice guys.
Dec 4, 2015

A Nitpicky Guide for Dealing with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
OCD is no laughing matter. Your face, however, is a different story. In fact, you should probably get that checked out before you seek therapy for your OCD.
Sep 11, 2015

Bewildering Test Questions Designed to Assess Personal Growth at Every Phase of Life
Test questions for every age group, starting with ones like, "If you were going to get eaten by an animal, which animal would you want to get eaten by? Explain."
Feb 1, 2015

7 MORE Keys for Successful Living
Helping other people, contributing to charity, and fighting to improve the overall quality of the world all sound great in theory. But they won't improve your life.
Nov 2, 2014

8 Steps to Overcoming Your Anxiety, Hopefully
This guide will help you more than therapy, medication, or discussing your anxiety problem with family and friends, who probably need mental help more than you.
Sep 19, 2014

7 Things You Should Know Before You Graduate from College
The good news is, most of what you learn in school will not help you in life. No matter how thrilling you may find academics, it simply won't help you in the long run.
Aug 19, 2014

10 MORE Expressions That Really Piss Me Off
"When things get hard...just put one foot in front of the other." I should probably inform you that I followed this advice when I had sex with your girlfriend last week.
Aug 1, 2014

7 Secrets for Passing a Teaching Interview
We all know that going to a job interview can be very intimidating. Especially if you are a teacher. Since I've been there already, here are 7 successful strategies.
Apr 15, 2014

A Man's Guide to Surviving Heartbreak
Ten guidelines for all the young men out there who are struggling to find a reason to live after losing the women of their dreams. Keep your head up, you tragic cases.
Feb 23, 2014

The Perfect Chain Letter, Part 3
My friend Thomas received this email and sent it to only 4 of his friends. Guess what happened? All 4 were kidnapped and abused by uneducated, drunk carnival workers.
Dec 8, 2013

Four Simple Tests for Assessing Your Life Skills
The following questions, grouped into your four life stages, will serve as an accurate means of assessing the growth of your developmental common sense. Probably.
Oct 31, 2013

A Man's Guide to Surviving Unemployment
Drinking is not going to solve your problems. It will only make you feel better about yourself, lessen your frustration, and reduce your anxiety about employers. Hmm...
Aug 13, 2013

Five FINAL Ways to Get Fired from Your Teaching Job
Your alarm clock went off four hours ago, it's 10:30 in the morning, on a Thursday, and then it hits you: YOU'RE STILL A TEACHER!!!! Fuck, time to get fired.
Jul 3, 2013

The Shortcut Guide to Overcoming Depression
This article will help you a lot more than therapy, medication, or discussing your condition with a loved one because chances are, nobody loves you anyway.
May 11, 2013

10 Things to Look Forward to as You Get Older
Women, you will painfully observe the slow process men go though as they reach the point where they no longer try to win you over. Men, there's always Viagra.
Apr 3, 2013

The Perfect Chain Letter, Part 2
If you don’t have any friends, you must forward this to 80,000 people in 57 seconds or else a horned leprechaun will appear and shoot you in the penis with a nail gun.
Mar 9, 2013

Nice Guys Don't Finish Last, They Win
I have designed the following six guidelines in order to assist nice guys in their quest for happiness and love. It's simple: first let your heart die, then play the game.
Feb 8, 2013

10 Reasons to Quit Drinking
Things to look forward to after you stop drinking: eating crazy meals without vomiting, filming neighborhood pornography, and immunity to previously insulting comments.
Jan 13, 2013

5 MORE Ways to Get Fired from Your Teaching Job
To inspire all of you teachers out there who are on the verge of screaming at your students, punching your administrators in the face, and/or committing suicide.
Dec 19, 2012

20 Realistic Inspirational Quotes for Your Email Signature
Most of the emails you send on a daily basis contain absolutely no thoughts that could be considered "profound." So stop using ridiculously unrealistic inspirational quotes.
Nov 16, 2012

The Worst Pain Your Penis Will Ever Endure
The average male has no idea that a stent removal will be the most painful, emotionally scarring experience in their life. All the best to you and your penis, sir.
Oct 22, 2012

6 Things I Hate About Narcissists
A narcissist never washes his hands after using the restroom because he thinks, "My genitals are clean, not dirty. If everyone could touch my genitals, they would be better people."
Sep 28, 2012

7 Tips for Living and Teaching in Asia
Teaching English in Asia is a great way to experience a different culture, travel the world, and find adventure. It's also the easiest way to get constant diarrhea and exacerbate your drinking problem.
Aug 18, 2012

7 FINAL Things You Need to Know About Women
Surprisingly, women don't mind if you forget your wedding anniversary, and they'd also prefer that you be totally honest about your pornography collection. And that's not all!
Jul 12, 2012

6 MORE Life Lessons They Won't Teach You in School
Attention young and naive students of the world: reading is overrated, true love does not exist, and the most self-controlled people are often the most dangerous.
Jun 18, 2012

7 Things I Want to See During the Apocalypse
It takes a special kind of fucked up to make the Apocalypse actually happen. You can't just wing a bad disaster and hope it wipes out the planet, you need well-planned chaos.
May 22, 2012

7 Keys for Successful Living
Learn to be more open-minded, cultivate some patience, and for God's sake don't say the first thing you think of when a beautiful woman makes random conversation with you.
Apr 20, 2012

6 MORE Ways to Make Yourself Cooler
If you've ever been heartbroken or dumped, you know that shitty feeling that feels like you'll never come out from. Guess what? Now's the perfect time to bring everyone else down!
Mar 17, 2012

5 Ways to Get Fired from Your Teaching Job
Only follow this list if teaching has made you suicidal, OR you're a teacher who just wants to have a little fun, and you've been looking for a career change anyway.
Feb 15, 2012

The Perfect Chain Letter
Today, you have the opportunity to make a difference in somebody's life. While Peter's harrowing 17-story fall may seem too much to bear, your inbox can turn things around.
Jan 25, 2012

7 MORE Things You Need to Know About Women
Did you know that women like men who are willing to share their erotic dreams? It's not like it REALLY happened, and women will appreciate your brutal honesty!
Dec 26, 2011

How to Win Over a Lady in Five Steps
How many times has this happened to you? A woman eyes you seductively, drinking a glass of milk while purposely letting some spill down her neck and onto her breasts. Never? Read on.
Dec 1, 2011

A Conversation with Saint Peter
At the edge of the entrance to Heaven, Frank stops for a casual chat with the always engaging Saint Peter, keeper of the gates and god of the pranks.
Nov 9, 2011

6 Ways to Make Yourself Cooler
You've just eaten an entire bag of Doritos out of self-pity while touching yourself in a naughty place and crying for the LAST TIME, because this guide is all about discovering the COOL YOU.
Sep 30, 2011

7 Ways to Successfully Interact with Other People
Everything you need to know to gain the approval of your boss, that random couple on the sidewalk, the cyclist holding up traffic, and your cigarette smoking nephew.
Sep 2, 2011

6 Disadvantages to Being a Guy
Urinals, emotional maturity, and job responsibility - don't laugh, women, these are things we men have to deal with every day. Well, that and your misunderstanding of anything that's actually funny.
Aug 3, 2011

6 Life Lessons They Won't Teach You in School
No matter how sexually stimulating you may find the academic world, it simply won't help you in the long run. Here are six life lessons worth remembering, including the futility of true love.
Jun 25, 2011

7 Things You Need to Know About Women
Did you know that women don't like flowers? I know, crazy, right?! They're also driven wild by indiscreet pelvic thrusting motions and men who maintain a healthy interest in the opposite sex!
May 28, 2011

The Relationship Interview with Wesley Jansen
Wesley Jansen relaxes and provides honest responses to a relationship interviewer attempting to match him up with a female applicant. We quickly learn some men lack suitable experience.
May 3, 2011

Why Do We Need to Learn This?
As a teacher, I often get frustrated when my students ask me the question, 'Why do we need to learn this?' So I finally forced myself to sit down and construct the ultimate answer.
Mar 22, 2011

10 Expressions That Really Piss Me Off
Breaking down useless, annoying expressions like 'You gotta do what you gotta do' and 'Idle hands are the devil's workshop.' If you use these, STOP NOW OR DIE.
Jan 17, 2011

How to Be More Expressive and Dynamic
Ever since I started teaching English, I've been struggling to find ways to get my students more excited about the English language. Then one day, I took it to the next level.
Dec 3, 2010

Girlfriend Wanted
Greetings and hello. My name is Drek Z but my friends call me... Kain. I am a recently single, strapping young man, aged 48, and I am currently looking for a girlfriend. Perhaps you like?
Oct 30, 2010

10 Ways to Make Your Life More Exciting
Ten ways to spice up your life using the unexpected to your advantage, including a vacation to North Korea and a simple church bombing!
Sep 26, 2010

On the Destruction of Kindness
Instead of the wonderful Korean language that once filled the teacher's lounge with beauty and dignity, the atmosphere became impregnated with George Carlin rhetoric.
Sep 10, 2010

Acceptance Speech By an Award-Winning Writer
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an honor that you have all finally decided to recognize my accomplishments this evening. Now SUCK MY DICK, ASSHOLES!!
Aug 23, 2010

A Welcoming Letter from the Superintendent of the Perfect School
My name is Mr. Bob. I'd like to welcome you and your child as we begin another exciting year here at "St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness."
Aug 11, 2010

20 Brutally Honest Book Titles I'd Love to See
Including a book full of blank, empty pages for lonely, insecure young men titled: 'THE BENEFITS OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.'
Jul 30, 2010