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The Meanings of Life
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
February 21, 2007
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Nathan: I know the meanings of life.
Todd: You mean, meaning? Not meanings.
Nathan: Dude, let me tell you something.
Todd: Aww man, please don’t.
For years, humanity has searched to answer that most difficult question: What is the meaning of life? Unfortunately for humanity, it was
approaching the problem wrong. You see, living would be rather pointless and boring if life had only one meaning. The question should be, what are the meanings of life? And I’m pretty
sure that because my genius is matched only by my modesty and wit, that I am the man to explain to you, dear readers, the meanings of life.
(What can I say? I’m an amazing human being.)
To Have Sex
Sex is one of the major meanings of life. If not for sex, really, how much more would life suck? I mean I can’t count the ways. Ask
anyone who’s ever had sex and can’t anymore if they miss it and they’ll look at you like you’re crazy. Hell, sex is probably the only reason men have jobs. Without it, I
mean… I just don’t want to think about it. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that sex means a lot.
"We are here to enjoy life and to die. We are not here to fight over green pieces of paper."
To Love
I mean you gotta have love. I’m not saying that you need necessarily tie it in with sex, but you gotta have love.
To Invent
If not for climate control, the George Foreman Grill, and the microwave, I’d have long ago died, either from excessive restaurant food
or starvation. You gotta invent.
To Communicate
Walt Whitman once said that sex
is the ultimate form of communication, but even some of the other forms are pretty fucking awesome if you ask me. I mean, if we couldn’t communicate, who would
get me a beer when they were up? I shudder just thinking about it.
(Oh yeah and music and movies and art and stuff, too.)
Blowjobs
Come on. You saw it coming.
To Reproduce
It’s not enough to just inhabit this spinning hunk of clay, you gotta make sure that you leave a whole bunch of other schmucks just
like you behind to fuck the place up some more. It’s divine right or something. Swear to God.
To Get Wasted
Well, that has meaning for me, anyway.
To Eat
One of the greatest things about this world is that many of the foods which taste so awesome, also help keep us alive. That’s a good
system, and probably some kind of indication that eating fulfills one of the many criteria for the meanings of life.
(And no, I’m not telling you my criteria. That would make this too easy.)
To Die
Hey, everybody does it, right? How much more meaningful can you get?
In the end, we are here on planet Earth to enjoy life and to die. We are not here to fight over green pieces of paper. We are not here to
worry, judge, or take sides. We are not here to form religions and governments. We are here to fuck, to invent, to communicate, to get wasted and get blowjobs, to eat and
to love until finally, we die. In short, we are here for the life of it.
Oh yeah, and the bitches. We’re also here for the bitches.
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11 Comments
defintely for the bitches.
Is this about the meanings of life or shit you like to do?
These are my meanings of life, i.e. why I bother living. I think most people would agree that this is what you want to get out of life, that this is why we're here.
In other words, this is as deep as I get.
And the bitches know that.
You got it! Life is simple. And the simple stuff like sex, chocolate milk, and marijuana make it worth hanging around. BTW, there ain't no god(s).
I'm glad you bother living. It makes life interesting and kills some time.
AWESOME
As one poster commented, I think you misunderstand the premise of the question. You listed things that makes life enjoyable to you. That is great, but it is not a philosophy or belief system, unless you count yourself a simplistic epicurian hedonist/nihilist, which, based upon your article, is unlikely that you would even comprehend without a cheat sheet.
Why reproduce and add to the population if your only concern is eating, fucking, getting blow jobs, getting high and so forth. Maybe your kids won't like that stuff as much as you do, in terms of forming a basis for living, and join some crazy religious cult.
Forget about marriage and the bitches. As you get older you become acutely aware they are not worth it by a long shot. And that is including the sweet supportive ones which are almost impossible to find nowadays. They are all money sucking materialistic whores who will ride you like a mule and keep your balls in a brass jar as long as you are with her. Stay away from marriage at all costs.
What if by the time you are in your 40's and the simple pleasures don't satisfy any more? What then? What about the God question? What about the idea of community?
Are we just organisms destined to eat, fuck, reproduce, work pointless jobs as a corporate slave to pay for huge mortgages, car payments, health insurance, retirement, ect? What is the fucking point in all of that? Is working like a slave for 60 years worth the tiny pleasures you listed? Hardly.
You need to think a bit more about what IT ALL MEANS and if there is any point to it all. I have my beliefs, but they are mine and you can't have them.
wow brent. jaded much?
i realize this is comedy and all, but your article does have truth to it.. the only thing we absolutely have to do is die. so why not get drunk and enjoy the hell out of ourselves. and i'll get you a beer while im up.
i enjoyed this article a lot.
Awesome Nate!
Wow, what an unpredictable article. I wasn't expecting any of that.
Nate, how long are you going to milk this one?
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