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I don't know the first thing about birthdays. I never know if I need
to get a present, a cake, whatever. Maybe that's because so many of
my own birthdays have been spent lying in the bathtub listening to
country music and cutting myself, but there you go. This will not,
however, stop me from writing a longwinded column on the subject,
because there might be readers out there who are just as confused
about birthdays as I am. So put on your conical birthday hats and
prepare for 5 to 10 minutes of non-stop hilarity. The comedy train
is leaving the station. Here's what happened:
-Determine the Birthday Person's Gender: This may be the most
important step when planning a friend's birthday party. If your friend
is a girl, she will expect you to make a huge ruckus regarding her
birthday. You will probably have to send out invitations with RSVP
written in calligraphy on them. If your friend is a guy, you can pretty
much ignore his birthday or dismiss it with a sidehanded comment such as
"Birthdays are gay." The guy will never mention his birthday again, for
fear of being labeled a fairy or, worse, a communist fairy. Those are
the worst kind.
-Off-Topic Corner, Memories of Spring Break: Ever notice
how if you're staying at a hotel anywhere in the world, at any time
of the day or night there's always something good on TV? There's
just something magical about hotel TV that was designed to keep you
from leaving the hotel room for any reason, including sightseeing
and fire alarms. How many times have you said "I can't go see the
Eiffel Tower now! Something good's on!" Damn you hotel TV you've
ruined my vacation for the last time.
-I don't mean to harp on this, but sometimes it won't even be
something really good, but rather a show you've always heard about
but never watched before. So you'll be like "I never watched
Everybody Loves Raymond before. It's not bad!" And then you'll get
home and try watching it again and it will be boring and stale just
because it's not on hotel TV and you'll wonder what on Earth you
were thinking.
-Download the "In Da Club" Remix: As those of you with a
photographic memory will surely recall, this column is about
celebrating birthdays. Since I'm assuming you're on a budget
(because if you weren't you'd be able to afford real comedy), I
recommend you obtain a copy of the classic fittycent song by any
means necessary. Even if it means going on Kazaa Lite and finding
the one that says "remix - no loops" but then you download it and
it's got fucking loops all over or maybe after about 30 seconds it
cuts into a really loud static-y sound like what a puppy makes when
you rub #32 sandpaper on its testicles. What the hell is up with
Kazaa Lite these days, anyhow?
-Bake Adult Brownies: Now that you've determined your
friend's gender and illegally obtained hacked music it's time for
you to move on to more traditional birthday activities, like cake
baking. Most
college students hate to cook but
they love to get high, so this solution provides what I think is a
fair compromise. There are many recipes for adult brownies available
on the Internet, all of which share a common bond: They don't work.
Rational people will agree that it is impossible to get high from
eating pot brownies. You know what you get when you mix pot and
brownies? Really crappy brownies. To work around this minor setback,
all you have to do is take a bite, suppress your gag reflex, and
then start acting really high and crazy and shit. The birthday
person will start to believe the brownies actually work and at about
this point you'll realize you could have saved some money by using
oregano instead.
-Purchase a Prank Alcoholic
Beverage: No
college birthday is complete
without the birthday person being forced to drink a prank alcoholic
beverage. I recommend a prairie fire, which contains tequila and
Tabasco sauce and yet somehow tastes even worse than it sounds. If
you think your friend might not fall for that one, you could
purchase a Cat-O-Nine-Tails, which is made up of Silent Sam and
bleach. The goal here is to make the birthday person barf and crap
their pants at the same time, with the hope that the next morning
they won't remember who was responsible for poisoning them, but they
WILL remember who drove them to the ER to get their stomach pumped.
-Give the Gift of Love: I'm not suggesting that you make love
to your friend, although feel free to do that if that's what you're
into. The best present you can give a friend on their birthday is a
hookup. The cool part is, strangers are more likely to have sex with
people they don't know if it's someone's birthday, so use this to
your advantage. All you have to do is go up to a random guy or girl
and announce that it's your friend's birthday so would they mind
terribly to come say hi and maybe later they could rut like weasels.
I'd estimate about 1 in 5 people will say sure. For the other 4, be
sure to carry some pepper spray antidote unless you're like me and
have gradually developed a tolerance.
-Visit a Themed Family Restaurant: You might not be with your
family, but that's no reason to avoid the themed family restaurant.
What you're looking for here is a restaurant where the waiters
embarrass the bejeezus out of the birthday person. If you can find a
place that makes you stand up on the table, wear a sombrero, pull
down your pants and sing "Feliz Navidad" for a free slice of apple
crumble you're going to want to beeline it over there. If you don't
know any such restaurant, just look up any restaurant named after
the owner's first name and his worst quality. "Sneaky Pete's,"
"Devious Dave's," "Dishonest Eddie's," and "Denny's Fried
Assburgers" are all good bets.
-Send a Birthday Clown to Class: Nothing thrills a college
student more than having an important class or exam interrupted by a
singing birthday clown. If you thought your friend was excited about
the free apple crumble, wait until you use your camera phone to
capture the expression on his face as Gertrude the Emaciated
Entertainer sings some public-domain alternative to "Happy
Birthday." Sure, traveling clowns can be pricey, but can you really
put a dollar value on having a friend never speak to you again?
(Note: If your friend is Muslim do not send a clown to his classroom
unless you have already purchased comprehensive life insurance.
Those guys can hold a grudge.)
-It's just that I can't see how those pay-per-view movies in hotel
rooms ever make any money. Why would I pay $8 to watch Seabiscuit
when I get free Cinemax and HBO? Sure, I get those at home too, but
it's never as good as when it's on hotel TV. Don't look at me like
I'm crazy. You know it's true.
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