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It's that time of year again when it is starting to get chilly, the
leaves are falling from the trees, and guys are finally in the mood
for girlfriends again. I mean, let's face it, summer is a time for
romance; and by romance we mean one-night stands, drunken fondling,
and late night swims, not commitment. Winter however, is a
completely different story. This season is meant for relationships.
Guys want someone to cuddle up with next to the fire, and the extra
effort that it takes to get into a girl's pants—going through
underwear, long underwear, jeans, ski pants, and a jacket—can prove
far too arduous a task to do more than one time, so once they get
their claws in the first girl, they tend to keep them there.
Now that you've got your companion
for the winter though, it's easy to let yourself slide. No longer is
it necessary to reveal 95% of your body in what barely amounts to a
bikini. Holiday meals offer enough food to serve every starving
child in Africa, and for more than half of the winter you are
generally on vacation where some of you are force-fed by your
mothers and your eating disorder of choice is no longer an option.
So while guys do want some one to snuggle up with on those
cold winter nights, keep in mind that they don't want to find
themselves rubbing up against an Anna Nicole Smith, pre-Trim Spa.
Here are some tips to keep yourself (and your man) feeling good this
winter.
Tip 1: SHAVE. Easy to forget or simply ignore, but it can
make a big difference. I know, it's fucking cold, you have goose
bumps in the shower which are pain in the ass to
run a razor over, and you're wearing pants all the time anyway,
but when you really think about it, it is NOT comfortable having
spiky hair rubbing up against your Sevens and guys don't fancy
rolling around in front of the fire with the equivalent of a
porcupine. Plus, the last thing you want to hear from a guy is "It's
about time to mow those motherfuckers." Take my advice, steal your
boyfriend's Gillette Mach 3 and get to it.
Tip 2: GO TO THE GYM. Not all that hard to do, at school or
at home. Now I'm not recommending you get all "gymorexic" like some
of the girls I see there; half an hour on the treadmill and a few
crunches should do the trick. Making the effort really makes the
difference. You've already dealt with the
freshman fifteen. It's called the "sophomore, junior and senior
fifteen" for a reason: you were supposed to learn from the
experience. Also, as far as motivation, there is generally a free or
cheap tanning salon at every gym. Which leads me to tip number 3...
Tip 3: STAY TAN. Before I go
any further with this one, I am in no way promoting skin cancer....
Okay, actually I am, but the choice is yours. Personally, I like
being tan. I like the whole tanning salon experience, I like the
warmth of the tanning bed itself, I like how relaxed I feel when I
get out of it, and I like the way I look with some color. If you can
pull off a Gwen Stefani and pull off the ghostly white hot look then
by all means go for it, otherwise head to the fake n' bake cause
it's calling your name.
A little bit of extra advice, tanning cream is no substitute for a
tanning salon. It took me a
traumatic addiction in my sophomore year of high school to learn
that blotchy hands and feet don't go unnoticed; I recommend you
spare yourselves the embarrassment.
With these three little bits of advice you should be good to go this
winter. In shape, smooth, and vibrant, you'll be feeling good and
ready to cuddle up with your man on those cold snowy nights. Just
don't get too close to the fire, if you know what I mean.
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