Thinking about befriending an introvert? Congratulations! This can be an exciting moment in your life, as well as for the introvert if you don’t bring a large group. Whatever you do, this FAQ answers some common questions on how to befriend this reclusive species.

How should I introduce myself to an introvert?

Introduce yourself by saying your name in a hushed whisper, as if you were the radio announcer for an NPR pledge drive. Don’t worry if your introvert doesn’t make eye contact. This is an ancient defense mechanism to ward off small talk about the weather.

How often should I communicate with my introvert?

Probably never. Do note that an introvert needs ample time to recharge after each social interaction. This rest period usually lasts for an entire season of The Great British Baking Show.

If I throw a party, will my introvert go?

No. Centuries of alone time have triggered a permanent mutation in the homo introvertus genome, making beer pong with Chad something that could possibly be fatal.

How should I get to know my introvert?

Invite it out to a secluded place that’s at least one hundred miles away from its apex predator, homo extrovertus. Be sure to ask engaging questions about its feelings or sing ancient Celtic hymns about Sheamus the Shy Swan, the introverts' favorite myth. Do not make eye contact.

Where is the ideal location to spend time with my introvert?

While introverts all have different tastes, many prefer locations far away from large groups, Coachella, or sudden movement. Generally speaking, their ideal habitat is a near a large order of Domino’s Meat Lover pizza tempered with The Great British Baking Show.

Should I introduce my introvert to my friends?

This depends if your friends make eye contact and are named Chad. You can in most scenarios, but exercise discretion. Just remember that if you toss your introvert into a large group, it will have difficulty breathing and likely self-vaporize into the tears of Susan Cain.

Will my introvert get along with other introverts?

Absolutely! When introverts gather, tenderly shepherd them into the nearest pile of decorative pillows. This provides a safe space for them to bond over their feelings or whatever.

I noticed that my introvert is unhappy. What should I do?

Queue up an audiobook of Eat, Pray, Love or a playlist of Enya. Let it fall asleep on your lap. Gently whisper into its ears, “we don’t have to play beer pong with Chad ever again.”

I think I’m falling in love with my introvert. Is this normal?

Absolutely! An introvert’s love for alone time can create an aura of intrigue, often acting as a powerful aphrodisiac for people who are sexually attracted to silence.

I haven’t heard from my introvert in months. I think it died.

It didn’t die, it’s just still recharging from saying hello to a stranger. Do not call.


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