People express their opinions these days as if arguments can’t have a constructive outcome. Instead, every difference of opinion is seen as a black and white scenario where there’s a vanquished party and a victorious one. This is the equivalent of spooning your own shit into your mouth as you realize that the character you’ve been for the past two years (yet no one had the balls to confront you about) is a shambles who honestly thought extinguishing an electrical fire with water was perfectly adequate.

Both sides are out to destroy, but these days respect seems out the window for the sake of cleverly tearing your opponent’s anus out with witty one-liners and any other way to inflict misery. Unfortunately, none of us are as quick as we think, so by cleverly tearing our opponent’s asshole out, we essentially come up with a bunch of shit. Here is a look at some of the most predictable and cliché lines people use in arguments.

1. "I know I keep doing this, but…"

When there is conflict, all of a sudden being a child is a terrible thing, yet when rolling around naked in snow everyone’s having a jolly ol’ Christmas. In showing their self-awareness of a character flaw, they’re taking out some of the sting of their argument, why they behave the way they do. But if they really cared and saw it as a flaw, they would stop doing it. Fundamentally, they’re blaming you for bringing about the circumstances that make them a bad person, as if to say, "Yeah, I know I keep calling your girlfriend a bitch, but buddy you should take me out for more beers."

2. "Don’t you think…"

Sometimes this can be a helping hand, but to me it suggests that if you don’t think what’s to follow, then your opinion is no longer valid. Instead of simply presenting the idea and having someone agree or disagree, it’s saying, "Why don’t you think this? What was wrong with your upbringing to the point this isn’t the first thing that pops into your head when we’re talking about raping women?" Immediately they put themselves on a pedestal instead of just saying, "I think that raping women is wrong."

3. "You’re an asshole."

If you’re unable to put forward an argument without this tail-end solution (for some, this is the perfect greeting), I suggest you address your primal needs. Try masturbating more; I’d jack off ten times a day if it prevented me from giving someone grief several hours down the line, although I’d be impotent by the time I hit 30.

4. "You’re no better than Hitler."

Vaguely referencing terrible things is a common argumentative strategy. Another is to describe all the horrible torture you’d want someone to experience as consequences for their actions. I don’t think one is appealing to his or her humanity when the latter comes into play; no matter how extreme the offense, saying someone deserves to be set on fire with their testicles in a vice, a hacksaw in their hand, and a bucket of water three feet away isn’t what I would define as compassionate, and well, Hitler had his good points too you know. His more disastrous side was probably a result of growing up around intolerant pieces of shit like you, doncha think?

5. "This isn’t what I asked you to do…"

This is a means to banning opinions that don’t directly coincide with the accuser’s perspective, one way of not taking criticism for their own shortcomings as they transfer the responsibility over to you and deny the creativity that comes from the variety of all that life has to offer. At least I fucking tried, dick. Maybe you should have been clearer with what you wanted in the first place. Maybe I’m just incompetent.

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6. "I have more integrity/creativity in my little finger."

If it was integrity your body was filled with, you wouldn’t need to tell me about it to win an argument. If it’s creativity, you should be shutting the fuck up and doing creative shit. Asserting the dominance is the route here as if to say, "I’m smarter than you," but honestly, I’d take an emotionally attuned dumbass over a genius dickhead any day of the week. The former are the ones who’ll buy you a beer when you’re down and out, the latter the kind who’ll say, "Yeah, you deserved to lose your wife, kids, and only source of income at Quicksave. What you should have done is gone into futures and fucked your wife. Like me."

7. "You’re so immature."

We all have to be children at some point in our lives, it was the foundation to our character, and when it comes to getting what we want, well, kicking and screaming sure used to work back in them days. To rise to emotion is to be immature, infantile. To neglect it is to be dead to the world, but still, you get my drift…. When there is conflict, all of a sudden being a child is seen as a terrible thing, yet when rolling around naked in snow and whacking ourselves with sticks then suddenly everyone’s having a jolly ol’ Christmas. It can’t apply to one and not the other, seeing as it is often the inner child that attracts us to someone in the first place when we see how fun they are, and how full of life they’re likely to be on ten shots of Jager and a handful of dodgy pills.

8. "You’re so self-centered."

Pointing that out is rather self-absorbed too. All of us are self-centered because it’s only from our own personal life experience that we can most successfully draw a conclusion to a conflicting situation. That whole learning curve is progressively reacting to what works and what doesn’t for us personally, acting upon what we think an outcome should be to suit our own needs in a current situation. If two people are at odds, and this is the clever reply offered, I’m thinking it’s time to put the relationship on hold and not cry over spilt milk. Or aim for some make-up sex and continue fighting through the void amidst ongoing uncomfortable silences. Friendly advice, it’s a bad time to "give anal a go."

9. "You’re a screw-up."

Lady, it took me nine pints to get to this stage of telling you what to do, you simply missed a compliment as you were applying the blushing red while lubricating at the thought of my throbbing cock. I think we know whose is the bigger success story.

10. "You’re such a hypocrite."

Essentially the equivalent to saying, "You like breathing air." We’re all hypocrites. Yet this appears a be-all-end-all retort, as if to say someone who says one thing only to do another is the rarest of fucking finds. Newsflash: even the Pope fucks children in the ass. One can understand why he’s against the use of condoms when there’s absolutely zero risk involved, so you’re on your own, Africa.

But what happens when the child is African?

Hypocrisy Catch-22

11. "Do you love me?"

Yes. Yes, I do. But you do this thing when you’re annoyed… or when you’re tired… or you know when you’re hungry? Overall it’s got this real unpredictable, threatening and emasculating aspect to it and, erm… it’s like the walls turn a darker shade, the sun dies and birdsong ceases and, erm… yes, yes, of course I do.

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12. "You’re just like your parents."

Yeah, it’s called an upbringing by your role models. Shame my mom’s a bitch and your dad is such a stand-up guy.

13. "Why can’t I go out for drinks with the guys from work?"

Because each one of them has a penis with an intent to use it, Flower Petal. I don’t want the local’s pinball machine coated in your musk so as to constantly remind me of the time I let you slip away. It’s a film, Rosebud. With Jodie Foster. It’s like Silence of the Lambs. With gang rape.

14. "You never take me anywhere."

Because it costs me money to have a conversation I’d rather have by myself. We can still have sex, though, use some of the leftovers in the fridge, AND communicate over how I’m inserting an aubergine into you the wrong way. Shhh, now. We’ll make it work; stop struggling. Don’t make me cover you in olive oil to thwart your attempts to escape.

15. "Do you think I’m fat?"

No. I think you’re fatter than when we met, but I’m still very much attracted to you. Don’t look at me like that. Come on then, let’s go out to dinner. I’ll substitute the sex for being designated driver and suffering two black eyes. By the way, your vagina tastes of ass when you’ve been drinking and you’re riding my face in the dark with little concern to my muffled pleas.

16. "You think you know it all, don’t you?"

In so far as you’re concerned and where I’d like this conversation to end up (in my pants), then yes, I know everything there is to know. I will repeatedly deviate from the path so as to manipulate your mouth to my cock at this point of our dispute. Someone needs to be disciplined in manners.

Happy man in sunglasses
Balls deep.

17. "Why don’t you find me attractive?"

It might be that your face is all contorted and shooting physical and emotional projectiles as soon as I’m easing my way out of the bedroom because I thought you were asleep and too drunk to remember who introduced us. And no, I’m not on Facebook. What’s an internet?

18. "You came too fast."

Someone was lubricating too much. Maybe if you didn’t demand so much foreplay, I would find my stride once in a while. You don’t understand—it’s my balls throwing my glans a "Welcome Home" party and they just can’t keep it a surprise.

19. "You don’t know me; if you loved me, you’d know me."

Monkey waving goodbye (drawing)

20. "Didn’t you hear me say ‘STOP IT!!’?"

Probably should have chosen a different set of safety words for rape role-play. "Bananas are a good source of potassium" or something. I dunno. No, I couldn’t cum either—your tears were a real turn-off, which is weird because I’m always trying to make you cry. Love you too; now go fix me a fruit smoothie while I watch National Geographic, see how it’s done properly by animals that don’t enjoy intercourse. I know! I do usually cum real quick. Like I said… role reversal? How would that work? Why would you be wearing something like that when looting a stranger’s household of its belongings? It would delay your exit strategy, increasing the chances of apprehension no matter the stocking concealing your identity. You can’t climb through a window when you have… it’s entirely unprofessional, is all I’m saying. I must disagree, I gave you safety words and everything, I don’t see how I deserve something because of a situation that arose through no fault of mine. Baby, go fix me that smoothie.

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