Beyond the Wild Blue

I ship out to Lackland AFB, Texas, on a Tuesday. I had sex on a Tuesday once. Logically, this coming Tuesday is going to be a good day.

My training period will encompass the theatrical releases of Iron Man, Indy Jones, and Speed Racer. It's unfair, really.

Other historical events that fall within this period include the 2nd anniversary of my 21st birthday, Memorial Day Weekend, and the beginning of the Spummer season. Don't know about Spummer? Maybe I'll write a column about it after I finish basic training.

This'll be the last time in a long time that I'll be actively inactive at PointsinCase, so I just wanted to take time in this post to remind everyone to spay and neuter their friends and family.

On a serious note, please remember to keep all US servicemen and women of the armed forces in your prayers. And if you're an atheist, go buy war bonds or something. Or if you're a hot atheist, have sex with a serviceman. Anything to show you care.

Well, off I go into the wild blue yonder! Don't party too hard while I'm off learning how to make my bed and roll my underwear!

Sermon: Shepherd the Sheep

0553 Hours, Fort Lee, Virginia

Can err'body hear me? Yeah? Okay people, let's break it up. I wanna' make this quick so I can get to my first cup of coffee. Err'body get off the curb and ontada' street. Hey! Get back, I ain't got time to piss around wich ya'll. It's too early, I'm too cranky, and if one of ya'll acts a fool, I'll make sure the doctors probe ya' witdey' foot. And don't flap ya'lls jaws while I'm talkin'. It's disrespectful. NOW MOVE! Ya'll wasting err'bodies time.

Aight people, this is the Military Entrance Processing Station. Any ya'll not supposed tabe' hurr? Some ya'll sometimes get the buildin's mixed up. Huh? Speak up. Naw, that's down the street. Here, talk to Sergeant Grubbles while I brief 'dem. He'll show ya' where ta' go.

Where my shippers at? Form up over there on the sidewalk. The rest of you who are processing, get over there. Wha? Huh?--speak up! Taking a test? Get over with 'dem--hey shut up! It's not that hard! Split up, don't mingle and mutter! I ain't out hurr in the da' cold for my healf'.

Now shippers, get ya'lls bony butts up to the front! Good, that's all da' shippers? Okay, head inside, ya'll already know the drill.

Aight, before the rest of ya'll go in, I gotta' ax chu' to be quiet while I go over some things.

Anybody have any knives, firearms, bottle rockets, needles, explosives, shivs, nunchucks, daggers, pocket knives, machetes, or other deadly weapons on dem? Ya'll shouldn't, but if ya'll do, hand dem over to Sergeant Grubbles here after this briefing before ya'll go in. Don't worry, ya'll won't be disqualified if you forfeit 'em now. No, your fists do not count. Shut up.

Also, any drugs, such as mary-jew-wana, hair-win, or crack cocaine need to be forfeited immediately now 'fore goin' inside. If ya'll don't, and we find it, ya'll be disqualified and prosecuted. Your recruiter shoulda' said dis' already, but ya'll apes like to forget occasionally. Nows ya'lls chance to redeem ya'self 'fore we officially process ya'll into the service. No one? Good, saves us time. Nice to know ya'll ain't a bunch of idiots like the last group.

If ya'll got any jewelry or piercings, ya' needa take 'em out before ya'll go over to Medical. That includes earrings, nipple rings, naval rings, tongue rings, and dem rings on ya'lls naughty parts. Yes ma'am, especially dem ones on your privates. Put it in your bags before you go to Medical. Don't want no doctors havin' ta' confiscate your jewelry cuss' ya'll can't follow instructions. And they will take 'em, gone forev', so don't try an' cheat! Ya'll can use the bathrooms to--SHUT UP BACK THERE!--to remove 'em. Hey, I'm watchin' chu. Yeah, you. Don't make me point again, I ain't like ta' point. Just make sure ya'lls shiny bits are off and in your bags before heading to Medical. Ya'lls recruiters shoulda' told ya'll not ta' wear jewelry or piercings for dis', but a lot of times ya'll don't seem to listen, so I'm repeating it hurr' for ya'lls benefit so ya'll don't have to lose nuttin'. Moving on:

When you go intada' door, all ya'll gotta' gotta' empty your pockets into the buckets before you pass the metal detector. Put'cha bags on the conveyor. Who's been to an airport? Yeah, it's juss' like that. Huh? Who said that? Wha? Nah', keep ya' shoes on. Ya'll better move quickly or I'll smack ya'll upside da' head. I ain't got time to be babyin' ya'll. Your recruiter might do it, but it ain't in my job description. Just keep it moving quickly so all ya'll can get outta' da' cold.

Look, when ya'll go in after the security checks, put your bags, jewelry, and whatev' else in the locker cubbies. Don't worry, the door's locked. Ain't nobody gonna' steal your iPod or Walkman or what-have-yew, wichu' ain't supposed ta' have anyhows if you'dve listened to ya'lls recruiter. After ya'll stow ya'lls bag, you'll see a row of chairs. Sit in dem and don't move until we call your--YOU! Shut up or I swear to Almighty Jesus I'll get Sergeant Grubbles and make ya' run laps 'round the buildin' 'til ya' blue! I don't want no jokers! Anyone else think dey a joker? Nobody? Good, now lemme' finish so we can go inside.

Dammit, now I forgot where I was. Chairs? Oh righ'. Once all ya'll seated and ain't movin', we'll call ya' up for ya'lls chart, and then ya'll march over to Medical for ya'lls briefing. We clear? Form a single file line and go inside. Single file! Idiot...yeah, you. You hurr'd me. I ain't gonna' be smilin' bright for ya'll, I ain't no Wal-Mart greeter. This is the US military, boy, ya' betta' get use'ta followin'--HEY YOU! Whaddai' say 'bout talkin'?!

I swear, ya'll boys and girls gonna' give me a stroke some day.

Repent, it's Lent!

Lent is here, which to all good Catholics means another season of forgetting not to eat meat on Fridays. Also, it means us true Christians must voluntarily give up something meaningful in our lives, so that we may begin to value said thing after a brief hiatus of fasting. Obviously, your run-of-the-mill American Catholic doesn't care. As we shouldn't--when your religion is over a billion strong, you tend not to care what the other guys think.

Lent is actually a secular Christian observance, but apparently the Protestants didn't get the memos we sent out. I mean, we nailed it to the front of their church doors and everything.

If you're ever in the mood to go Catholic-sighting, they'll be the ones in grocery stores buying frozen fishsticks at 5pm on a Friday night. Or, they'll be the ones at McDonald's buying that rubber band ball they call the Fish Filet. Check the local bars too, especially if you're interested in scoping out the Irish variety--Italians hang around the pizza parlors. You won't see many Poles because they'll be at home cooking pirogies. Trust me on this; my whole family comes from immigrant-rich Pittsburgh, and you'd be surprised how on-the-dot I am about these sorts of things. Fridays barely register as an inconvenience to these people during Lent.

I still haven't decided what I'm going to sacrifice this Lent. I don't eat candy or junk food normally, I don't smoke, I don't drink enough to consider it a worthwhile sacrifice, and since returning to Richmond, my Sunset Valley expeditions have dropped by the wayside due to my excessive work schedule. Bitches don't love guys who smell like Subway. Maybe I'll give up squid-wrestling. Greenpeace has been on my case about that since the Chesapeake Charade.

I'm not even sure I'll go to Mass on Easter. I mean, it's such a hassle to sit through an hour of Bible readings and prayer. I don't know how Protestants do it for two, three, sometimes four hours at a time. Shit is ridiculous. Honestly, how long does it take to praise God?

I asked my friend what he was giving up for Lent, and I think his reply sums up most Catholics' opinions on this holy season:

"I gave up giving a fuck about this whole Lent thing. Does that count?"

Joyous Kwanzaa

If it's the 25th and you're reading this, you obviously got more clothes than toys this year from Santa. So sad, too bad. Get off the computer and go play with your friends' new toys--their parents still love them. And if you're wondering why I'm online, well, read on...

I'm going to be taking more days off from writing PIC columns and blog entries to celebrate Kwanzaa. So, to all my brothers and sisters out there, keep the culture alive and forget about all this Protestant-sponsored Christmas jive the White Man is trying to shove down your throat. Stay strong. Salaam Malakim.

Marine is Funny

Bwahahaha. Marine is funny. And angry. And has a small wang.

Lookie:



Aaaaaand later on:



Sorry, Marine. =(