Obviously, I have no problem with the word "cunt." I have no problem Read More »

Today, amidst a large crowd of fresh-faced hopefuls, top officials at the United Intelligence Agency (UIA) announced the annual winner of their rather unknown, nationwide contest dubbed, rather circum-loquaciously, "The Award for Best Paper in Aristotelian Achievement: Specifically, The Greatest Achievement in a Sarcastic Paper About Meta-Stuff." The award serves to commemorate the p Read More »

Part 3 of 3

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Your mother wasn't happy to see you. She made you a cup of tea, asked how it was, then grabbed it from you after a few sips. Within an hour of your arrival, she was on the phone, whispering to somebody. You returned to your room while she was downstairs, to see that she had decorated the room in a safari theme. Huge pictures of zebras and giraffes on your wall, a big treasure-chest-like thing, and your bed a pile of straw and leaves for her dogs. Your mother called up from the kitchen then. You were to meet a Somebody Miss Special You Might Remember, in thirty minutes. Read More »

Part 2 of 3

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You got the job at Sears you had applied to six months earlier when I told you, "Get a damned job." You started selling high-dollar televisions to old lesbian couples who didn't understand what a 16:9 ratio was, even when you got out the special chart that explained it all in kiddy terms, even though you stifled the subtle, ironic homonym sixty-nine. Read More »

Part 1 of 3

You told me that it all started in night school. You said it was in Remedial Art, a Wednesday night class that this attractive young British woman—Mrs. Sharon—taught. You said that this woman was your first love. At first you were vaguely attracted to her. "But," you said, "she treated me like some mutant. Some half-eunuch and half-retard mutant." Read More »

When my sister and I both turned twelve, my father bought us a dog. It was a pretty cute dog, a chocolate lab puppy, and when Melissa opened the box it hopped out madly and tackled her and she fell back onto the carpet giggling and the dog licked her face like you sometimes see in commercials. Read More »

I guess the first thing you should know about me is that I've always wanted to kill an animal with my bare hands. I'm not the most violent person you'll ever meet, either. Most people describe me as mellow, sane, and particularly good-looking. I have to admit it though, because you all are my friends. I have to admit it. Read More »